Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

When your private secrets affect or harm someone else, they are no longer just "your" own truth - it affects(affected) the entire family. I am a strong supporter of LGBT rights, but the line is drawn when your choices affect others. OP has every right to tell their daughter, though I think her husband should be the one to tell the truth. If he does not, it's OP's responsibility.

No it is NOT the OP's "responsibility" to tell her daughter. And BS you're a strong supporter. A strong supporter would never claim outing someone is the right thing. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH and you not informing your DD would result in your DD believing a lie about YOU that is bigger anecdote significant than your DU being gay. She will believe that you value your family so little that you are willing to abandon it when things are just meh. To me, one of the most important things I teach my kids is that we as a family have each others' backs and are committed to each other. We don't just walk away. Absent your kids knowing the reason you are breaking up the family, they'll quite reasonably think you aren't committed. Of course a spouse being gay is a very, very good reason for both parents to want to divorce. Without explaining this to an adult child, however, she will naturally assume you were just staying together for her sake until she was launched (bad for her), that one of you engaged in cheating or other bad conduct (also bad for her in term of trusting romantic partners), or that you left because the otherwise seemingly happy family hit just wasn't important enough to you. Also, when she learns your DH is gay, which she will at some point, don't you think it will be pretty damaging to have been essentially lied to (or at least left wondering if she was at fault)? And isn't it just terribly thoughtless to treat being gay as something bad, as though it is something to be ashamed of?

OP here. Thank you for putting it so clearly. I have gay friends who are out. I brought my child up to believe it was ok to be gay But I did not want to marry a gay man I am not gay. Lying and blaming me has gone on long enough. I am really sad. But this was his doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH and you not informing your DD would result in your DD believing a lie about YOU that is bigger anecdote significant than your DU being gay. She will believe that you value your family so little that you are willing to abandon it when things are just meh. To me, one of the most important things I teach my kids is that we as a family have each others' backs and are committed to each other. We don't just walk away. Absent your kids knowing the reason you are breaking up the family, they'll quite reasonably think you aren't committed. Of course a spouse being gay is a very, very good reason for both parents to want to divorce. Without explaining this to an adult child, however, she will naturally assume you were just staying together for her sake until she was launched (bad for her), that one of you engaged in cheating or other bad conduct (also bad for her in term of trusting romantic partners), or that you left because the otherwise seemingly happy family hit just wasn't important enough to you. Also, when she learns your DH is gay, which she will at some point, don't you think it will be pretty damaging to have been essentially lied to (or at least left wondering if she was at fault)? And isn't it just terribly thoughtless to treat being gay as something bad, as though it is something to be ashamed of?

OP here. Thank you for putting it so clearly. I have gay friends who are out. I brought my child up to believe it was ok to be gay But I did not want to marry a gay man I am not gay. Lying and blaming me has gone on long enough. I am really sad. But this was his doing.

So, OP, has he admitted to YOU that he is gay?

[Anonymous]

Why not ask your husband what he wants to do? If he's closeted he may not want it known.

How about irreconcilable differences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what happens when DD is blindsided when she catches her dad with another man in a romantic way? You think that's a better way of her finding out, than her parents letting her know her dad is gay?

It's 2016. Hopefully we've all been raising un-bigoted children who are accepting. And if OP didn't do that, well, that sucks for her.

DD will be hurt by the divorce and surprised (maybe) by her dad being gay if she finds out now. As opposed to hurt by the divorce now, and blindsided and PISSED OFF when she happens upon it on her own later that her dad is gay and no one bothered to tell her.

WTF people. Seriously. Can you imagine someone else seeing the father and telling DD about it? Telling DD isn't about badmouthing the father (because being gay isn't bad) or casting aspersions. It's about making sure DD knows what is going on. She's 20. Not 12.

It's not OP's truth to tell. There's no other rationalization here. Being gay is her's husband's truth and it's up to him, and him only, to tell his children.

When your private secrets affect or harm someone else, they are no longer just "your" own truth - it affects(affected) the entire family. I am a strong supporter of LGBT rights, but the line is drawn when your choices affect others. OP has every right to tell their daughter, though I think her husband should be the one to tell the truth. If he does not, it's OP's responsibility.

No it is NOT the OP's "responsibility" to tell her daughter. And BS you're a strong supporter. A strong supporter would never claim outing someone is the right thing. Disgusting.

I liken your position to that of an anti LGBT legislator, consistently voting against LGBT rights, but is privately gay.

You forfeit your right to privacy when your choices affect others. I'm not talking about being gay - that's not a choice. But getting married, starting a family, and continuing the facade is absolutely a choice.

It's DH's responsibility to tell DD. If not, it's the mom's. Doesn't mean mom should put DH being gay on blast, but within the family? Dad has a responsibility to be honest to DD about why the marriage is ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone "deserve" the truth about someone else's marriage? Unless ex has been engaged in dangerous or criminal behavior, why does DD "need" to know anything?

Can you really not foresee the problems that could happen if the daughter were to find out about her dad being gay any other way than one of her parent's telling her? If one of my parents were gay, I'd want to know as soon as they told anyone else, or someone knew, or they began dating someone, etc.

Why does it make any difference whether she hears it from Mom or from someone else? Really, the only person it makes a difference with - unless you think that being gay is something to be ashamed of - is with her father. It would be much better for her to hear it from her father than from anyone else (including mom).

Anonymous wrote:People talk on here about the wife being the last to know when their husband cheats on them. Imagine a daughter being the last to know that her dad is gay, meanwhile everyone around her knew.

I don't see why it would be so crushing...I mean, unless of course, it's something you're ashamed of...deeply ashamed of.

I posted earlier about how my mother was toxic and bad-mouthed my father a bunch. One of the many not-too-subtle accusations was that he was gay. I have no idea and I don't honestly care; I do know that after the divorce, he stopped saying negative things about her to anyone, and she was happy to blame him for things to anyone who'd listen. I hear a lot of that in this discussion.

But..but..but..her father IS ashamed. That's why he's closeted.

No one is advocating keeping a secret from DD that everyone else knows. The presumption is that OP is the only one in their family/circle of friends who knows.

OP here. I think some of our gay friends know They go in and out of the closet in a strange way. Sometimes it seems like I am supposed to know they are gay. Sometimes they pretend they aren't gay. It's a nightmare

[Anonymous]

OP, do you still love your husband? I think it is important that someone lives an honest life. The two of you should sit down with her and explain that your DH has come to terms with who he is and despite the complications it has created, you both still love her, love each other, and will always be dedicated to her. Children want to know they will be cared about, no matter the age.

[Anonymous]

Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

[Anonymous]

If he's gay and that's why you're divorcing, maybe that would be easier for your daughter. It's kind of a no-fault reason, where neither of you is the "bad guy." What does your ex say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So here it is....

1. He may not actually be a closeted gay man because there is no evidence of this. It is simply her "reason" for a divorce.
2. Her accusation of the PP is "a gay man that hates women" is clear evidence that the PP has a bigoted anti-gay attitude which means she is incapable of having a non-biased conversation with her daughter about her husband. She will most likely talk about his alleged sexual orientation in a derogatory way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So you only suspect he's gay? Why is this? What makes you suspect he's gay? Why would you want to tell DD your suspicions as truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several of the posters above have asked a very valid question. Specifically; HAS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLICITLY STATED TO YOU THAT HE IS GAY?
THE OP HAS CHOSEN NOT TO ANSWER while she has answered other questions.

Because she has chosen NOT to answer this more than likely means that she has no proof that he is gay or that he considers himself gay. The OP is simply using this as an excuse for the divorce. If the DH was actually GAY the OP would have some sort of proof and be able to answer the question.

OP here. He Is closeted as I said why are you so angry? He is still gay. He doesn't need to admit it for it to be true. Also I don't need an excuse for a divorce. My daughter cares about her father and isn't going to confront him. She is very gentle. But she still needs to know. You sound like a gay man who hates women

So you only suspect he's gay? Why is this? What makes you suspect he's gay? Why would you want to tell DD your suspicions as truth?

Because it is an easy way to scapegoat the LGBT community putting the blame totally on her husband making it "not her fault" so that he is the bad guy. Bottom line - end of story....

[Anonymous]

I can't read 6 pages. I would both sit down together and explain this to her. This is a vital part of her dad's identity, she must know this, and he should have the dignity of telling her. Ideally you can still be a family and support him as he comes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't just tell her you guys are divorcing because you've evolved as different people and it's no longer working. Why does the specific reason have to be given? Yes, she's your daughter and she's going to be affected by this, but she's 20 and really, it's not the kid's business why. If she was 12 would you tell her why? Or 6? Probably not.

And do not force him to tell her if he's not out. You should never force anyone to come out. Yes, some people are forced to come out and there's no way to avoid it, but this is not one of those situations.

This is lame. Lame. And frankly damaging to a young adult who has a right to believe that her parents take marriage vows seriously. You don't just get divorce because you have evolved and it's not working...at least people with integrity don't. Assuming her mother has done all she can to or serve the marriage, it is very fair for her daughter to understand that the marriage is ending because her dad is gay. Not because either of them is at fault or did t try hard enough or didn't take the commitment seriously. His sexual orientation is incompatible with marriage to a woman, and that is no one's fault (except, perhaps, for him for entering into marriage if he knew, but most of us would give him a pass given the lingering stigma that he might have felt.