Ladies, would you settle down with a man who wants to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Sure. My husband is a SAHD. That wasn't his goal but it is what worked out. He does do all the daytime childcare, and cleaning, and cooking. No "lazy bum" over here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

I have never heard a woman swoon over a man because he was a teacher or worked at an NGO or found lab coats dashing...

Have you ever heard of women falling in love with painters, artists, dancers, actors, screen writers?

Only because they believe they will make it big in those winner-take-all field. If they knew thei 'actor ' was going to basically be a waiter who does community theater the rest of their life, they would flee. With a teacher, you know there is no pot of gold at end of rainbow.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

I have never heard a woman swoon over a man because he was a teacher or worked at an NGO or found lab coats dashing...

Have you ever heard of women falling in love with painters, artists, dancers, actors, screen writers?

Only because they believe they will make it big in those winner-take-all field. If they knew thei 'actor ' was going to basically be a waiter who does community theater the rest of their life, they would flee. With a teacher, you know there is no pot of gold at end of rainbow.

Nobody knows if they will make it big. Sure there is hope. Women who fall for those men fall for that passion and fire in their eyes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So, SAHM is ok and SAHD is not?

It's awful how many people think so ....

They do though and until this changes, I do not see why educators are spending so much time coaxing girls into higher education over boys. Yes, there should be opportunities for girls that include STEM careers and the like and girls should be encouraged to go to college, but when study after study says it's the boys who are failing school and are the ones getting laid off during recessions, it should be a wake up call for the country to do something about educating boys better for manhood. The problem is that most educators are female and they generally prefer teaching girls.

[Anonymous]

And there are some amazing passionate teachers. I had a wonderful history teacher who was in every expedition possible.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Not sexy.

He'll watch internet porn all day. You'll bust your ass then come home and bust it some more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. Not sexy.

He'll watch internet porn all day. You'll bust your ass then come home and bust it some more.

+1
Not sexy is correct

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting double standard here.

I agree. It's pretty remarkable.

Disagree. Most men don't want SAHMs either.

Yes, but some men who are high earners want SAHMs. And it works for their families. Isn;t it great that the world is full of all kinds of people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I make plenty so it's financially feasible and I do want a family, but I feel like more and more men are using the "I'm a feminist and I'd like to raise kids" excuse to cover for their lack of ambition and success.

+1 There was a study that came out about 15 years ago that showed that women that stay home to raise kids were happier than women who worked (no judgment, just repeating what I heard on NPR) while men who stay home were miserable compared to men who work.

I don't believe this study. Most Stay at home moms are very unhappy and miserable. Oh and entitled.

Uhhh, I think the study done 15 years ago reflected the fact that there were few SAHDs back then and as a group they tended to be looked down on by both men and women.

SAHDs were often excluded or made to feel awkward in "Mommy and me" type classes and generally the SAHMs preferred to get together with other moms for play dates leaving the SAHDs (and there kids) feeling isolated.

I think that has gotten better now - SAHDs are a little more accepted now.

Maybe in California but not here in DMV. But at least we have Daddy and Me groups.

Did you see the thread where moms wouldn't have play dates of the dad is hosting, or not call or text them but always go through the wife. It's like they think Dynasty is real life and something explicit will blossom over games of chutes and ladders.

Yeah, unless the guy is a good personal friend of the family it's usually easier to just meet at a playground, nature center, pool or other public place (like a ball field) for a play date. Or the kids can play together during a class or activity. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. Not sexy.

He'll watch internet porn all day. You'll bust your ass then come home and bust it some more.

Or he'll take the kids to the ball field and teach them how to pitch or hit baseballs. Maybe he'll teach them how to change a tire or oil on the car. Maybe he'll teach the kids how to tile a floor or plant a garden....

We get so hung up on what SAH parent's duties are "supposed" to be.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple where the wife makes $$$$ and the husband is a SAHD. He is a very involved dad and also has his own money (pension?). Anyways, it has worked out beautifully for them and their family. So, it can work .

I have no issues with my daughters marrying such men, as long as they are supportive of my DDs ambitions and do what needs to be done to make sure that the kids thrive.

[Anonymous]

Yes. If I make $$$ then it will be worth it to have a partner who can be a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting double standard here.

I agree. It's pretty remarkable.

Disagree. Most men don't want SAHMs either.

Yes, but some men who are high earners want SAHMs. And it works for their families. Isn;t it great that the world is full of all kinds of people.

Yep! My high earning husband loves me being at home as it makes our house happier and healthier. I have my own trust fund to protect my interests. Not all men resent their SAHM wives, many, especially those who travel a lot, crave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. Not sexy.

He'll watch internet porn all day. You'll bust your ass then come home and bust it some more.

Yikes, sounds like you married a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. Not sexy.

He'll watch internet porn all day. You'll bust your ass then come home and bust it some more.

Or he'll take the kids to the ball field and teach them how to pitch or hit baseballs. Maybe he'll teach them how to change a tire or oil on the car. Maybe he'll teach the kids how to tile a floor or plant a garden....

We get so hung up on what SAH parent's duties are "supposed" to be.

+1. My SAHD spouse takes my kid to the pool and the playground every day, goes on play dates, takes them to their doctors appointments, drives them to school, keeps the house clean, does the laundry, and cooks a hot meal almost daily.