Ladies, would you settle down with a man who wants to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make plenty so it's financially feasible and I do want a family, but I feel like more and more men are using the "I'm a feminist and I'd like to raise kids" excuse to cover for their lack of ambition and success.

+1 There was a study that came out about 15 years ago that showed that women that stay home to raise kids were happier than women who worked (no judgment, just repeating what I heard on NPR) while men who stay home were miserable compared to men who work.

I don't believe this study. Most Stay at home moms are very unhappy and miserable. Oh and entitled.

Uhhh, I think the study done 15 years ago reflected the fact that there were few SAHDs back then and as a group they tended to be looked down on by both men and women.

SAHDs were often excluded or made to feel awkward in "Mommy and me" type classes and generally the SAHMs preferred to get together with other moms for play dates leaving the SAHDs (and there kids) feeling isolated.

I think that has gotten better now - SAHDs are a little more accepted now.

Maybe in California but not here in DMV. But at least we have Daddy and Me groups.

Did you see the thread where moms wouldn't have play dates of the dad is hosting, or not call or text them but always go through the wife. It's like they think Dynasty is real life and something explicit will blossom over games of chutes and ladders.

[Anonymous]

I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man with a SAHM wife. It works well for us.

However, I can understand the non-double standard for women not wanting a SAHD. Men, in general, are not as good at the details necessary to be a very good home-maker. The cooking and cleaning, sure. What about the art projects, the thank-you cards, the holiday event planning, the clothes shopping. That is also the role of a good SAH parent. It's not just about babysitting.

Even if he was good at all the above, I could see a woman finding this all too emasculating.

But, every family should do what works for them.

So women are only good at those tasks???? That is so sexist. There are many 'mommy' roles I better than DW and 'daddy' task DW does better than me.

I think your experience as a breadwinner is reinforcing social prejudices; I don't think there is a gene for holiday planning....

How much do you do with your kids and at home? Are you living. 1950s life with slippers and martini at the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe in California but not here in DMV. But at least we have Daddy and Me groups.

DC is and will always be a hardship post compared to Glorious California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe in California but not here in DMV. But at least we have Daddy and Me groups.

DC is and will always be a hardship post compared to Glorious California.

+1 (Cali PP)

Especially now in swampy time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm old and married, but if my DH wanted to drop out of the grind, I would be thrilled. Even though I would probably have to leave my fed job and jump into private practice to support us. I'm so tired of the grind and the juggling. Even if I had to join up as a relatively junior associate somewhere, I could probably double my current salary and dramatically improve our quality of life with him at home. The work would suck but I think it would be worth it.

For me. He would never go for it, sadly.

The work would suck and you could never divorce him. bad deal.

well, we've been married for 15 years, and together 6 years before that, and have two little kids; so I'm okay on the not divorcing bit. The work would suck. But the tradeoff for the more demanding job is that someone else could look after doctors appointments, sick days, playdates, daycare field trips, house contractors, teacher conferences, kids clothing, most dinner prep, etc.

And you would feel like you never see your kids and have only a passing involvement in their lives, a feeling that I find hard to deal with as a woman.

You think men -- good men -- like that any better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting double standard here.

My DHS would have never married me had I lacked career ambition. He's hardly unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

+1 This. And this is how it worked for us as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

Indeed. He might be a scientist and she is a partner at big law, or he might be a programmer and she is a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

I have never heard a woman swoon over a man because he was a teacher or worked at an NGO or found lab coats dashing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is that he's aiming to SAH and you aren't even married and do not have children yet. Red flag to me & I'm a SAHM. I was a professional when dating, first married & with one child. After that, we decided together that having me at home works best for our family. This decision took place well into our marriage with kids. I cannot imagine someone actually setting a goal of staying home. It's great if it works for you when faced with a variety of circumstances and choices. But I find it disconcerting that he's saying this is his "goal" from the outset.

Many women express that wish and are clear they are seeking a breadwinner DH. This is the flip but clearly does not work.

Most women are seeking ambitious husband not nessesary a breadwinner one.

What's the ultimate end goal of all that ambition, then? "Ambition" is a means, not an end. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't thought their life through very well.

Not really, they may want to save the world and may become a teacher, police officer, work in a lab (to cure cancer), or a non-profit helping the universe... ambitious not breadwinner.

I have never heard a woman swoon over a man because he was a teacher or worked at an NGO or found lab coats dashing...

Have you ever heard of women falling in love with painters, artists, dancers, actors, screen writers?