Ladies, would you settle down with a man who wants to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

I think we have evolved since caveman times to desire a man who can materially provide. I have no problems with a SAHD, but would I have been attracted to/desired a man with no drive to provide for his family? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

My sister is married to a SAHD - she is the breadwinner and fine with that - he runs the household (two kids), volunteers at church and school and does most of the cooking, shopping etc. He also works out a lot and has many hobbies. They both spend equal amounts of time with kids on weekend activities, etc. Seems like a nice arrangement.
THAT SAID - she constantly judges me as a SAHM!!! She makes comments about how if she were in my shoes she would have gotten another degree by now, etc. I guess she thinks my activities as a SAHM (2 kids, all activities, shopping, cooking etc. Also work out a lot and have hobbies. ) are not as significant as her spouse? Difference is my DH works many, many more hours than she does and therefore doesn't even participate in most weekend activites.....I cannot win with her. She is just very judgemental.

[Anonymous]

The double standard included my own mother. I am a SAHD, and my sister was a SAHM. My mom was totally fine with my sister doing that, after all, my mom did that for years, giving up teaching to raise a gaggle of kids in the 1960s/70s. But when I let her know that I'd be staying home with our little one, supporting my wife's $$$$$ career and most importantly providing a parent at home with our child, you could sense her uneasiness. She often made comments about was I looking for any part-time work, have I given any thought to this job or that job, etc. Comments she *never* made to my sister. So it goes .... I have to admit it bugged me a lot at first, but I learned to just shake it off after a while.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHD, I frequently was involved with a church playgroup, and yes, I hosted it at times, and yes, I had several mothers with young kids come to our house. It was never an issue with my wife, or as far as I know, the husbands of the women who stopped by. Are there people who honestly think one of the mothers and I are running off to a bedroom and jumping bones while the kids do Play-Doh downstairs? How come five mothers -- with kids in tow -- visiting for coffee/playgroup is perceived as some sort of major marital threat, but the woman who works in a conference room, or takes a business trip with 4-5 male colleagues, is not? I get sick of the double standard, and honestly, the idea that women or their DHs wouldn't feel comfortable with a SAHD hosting a kids playgroup seems ridiculous to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to a SAHD - she is the breadwinner and fine with that - he runs the household (two kids), volunteers at church and school and does most of the cooking, shopping etc. He also works out a lot and has many hobbies. They both spend equal amounts of time with kids on weekend activities, etc. Seems like a nice arrangement.
THAT SAID - she constantly judges me as a SAHM!!! She makes comments about how if she were in my shoes she would have gotten another degree by now, etc. I guess she thinks my activities as a SAHM (2 kids, all activities, shopping, cooking etc. Also work out a lot and have hobbies. ) are not as significant as her spouse? Difference is my DH works many, many more hours than she does and therefore doesn't even participate in most weekend activites.....I cannot win with her. She is just very judgemental.

How sad for your kids especially, but your husband as well. No amount of money or career success is worth what they are all losing.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHD, and I have to say that I think my wife loved the idea at the time, and still loves a lot about it, but it has created some strain in our marriage. She won't admit it, but I honestly think she has lost respect for me because of it. That hurts a lot, as it was a mutual decision we made for me to stay home. We have talked about me trying to return to work, but with two small children, I (and she says it as well) believe having a parent home is the best option. I guess maybe not if it hurts the marital relationship though ... That's an aspect to this that I haven't seen anyone mention. And yes, I don't look forward to trying to explain my career gap to potential employers, who I assume will look at that gap much differently for a man than for a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably not.

While I think it is admirable to take over the childcare duties full-time, I also would want my husband to possess a certain amount of drive + ambition.

I realize there is very little logic to what I am saying, but it is the way I genuinely feel.

So are you saying sah have little drive or ambition or are you saying you want someone to provide for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHD, and I have to say that I think my wife loved the idea at the time, and still loves a lot about it, but it has created some strain in our marriage. She won't admit it, but I honestly think she has lost respect for me because of it. That hurts a lot, as it was a mutual decision we made for me to stay home. We have talked about me trying to return to work, but with two small children, I (and she says it as well) believe having a parent home is the best option. I guess maybe not if it hurts the marital relationship though ... That's an aspect to this that I haven't seen anyone mention. And yes, I don't look forward to trying to explain my career gap to potential employers, who I assume will look at that gap much differently for a man than for a woman.

I think it's a lot if time the wife just wants to be the one who stays home and they get very upset about being the bread winner. Let's face it, most women value men only in what they bring in in terms of money to the relationship and feel that men should be excluded from any child raising. They will still complain that the husband does not pull his weight, but would never let him do childcare(a man could never do that). It the whole Disney prince fantasy thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make plenty so it's financially feasible and I do want a family, but I feel like more and more men are using the "I'm a feminist and I'd like to raise kids" excuse to cover for their lack of ambition and success.

Holy crap - if you want kids having a person who is related to them and loving towards them is a huge gift.

This man is s prize - but he should pick a better life partner than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHD, and I have to say that I think my wife loved the idea at the time, and still loves a lot about it, but it has created some strain in our marriage. She won't admit it, but I honestly think she has lost respect for me because of it. That hurts a lot, as it was a mutual decision we made for me to stay home. We have talked about me trying to return to work, but with two small children, I (and she says it as well) believe having a parent home is the best option. I guess maybe not if it hurts the marital relationship though ... That's an aspect to this that I haven't seen anyone mention. And yes, I don't look forward to trying to explain my career gap to potential employers, who I assume will look at that gap much differently for a man than for a woman.

My kids went to preschool with a SAHD of two boys. He was great, his wife (the higher earner) was great about it. The kids were nurtured and are now off to college. He went back to work once they were both in school and he finished his masters degree (helps to refresh). I have tons of respect for that whole family.
It all depends on who you marry. A wife who is critical of you when you have small children at home had rocks in her head, sorry.

[Anonymous]

If I made a lot of money and I thought he would be good at it, hell yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to preschool with a SAHD of two boys. He was great, his wife (the higher earner) was great about it. The kids were nurtured and are now off to college. He went back to work once they were both in school and he finished his masters degree (helps to refresh). I have tons of respect for that whole family.
It all depends on who you marry. A wife who is critical of you when you have small children at home had rocks in her head, sorry.

Funny you should mention that. I am a SAHD who will be starting a master's program this fall now that my kids are school-age. I don't know if I will get ever back to my old job level/salary, but I am excited about the challenge of the work and will reinvent myself if need be, all the while keeping my family No. 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting double standard here.

I agree. It's pretty remarkable.

It's not a double standard. It is a lack of faith in an SAHD actually meeting the same standard as a mother. 10:14 hit the nail on the head. Most men aren't programmed that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHD, and I have to say that I think my wife loved the idea at the time, and still loves a lot about it, but it has created some strain in our marriage. She won't admit it, but I honestly think she has lost respect for me because of it. That hurts a lot, as it was a mutual decision we made for me to stay home. We have talked about me trying to return to work, but with two small children, I (and she says it as well) believe having a parent home is the best option. I guess maybe not if it hurts the marital relationship though ... That's an aspect to this that I haven't seen anyone mention. And yes, I don't look forward to trying to explain my career gap to potential employers, who I assume will look at that gap much differently for a man than for a woman.

I think it's a lot if time the wife just wants to be the one who stays home and they get very upset about being the bread winner. Let's face it, most women value men only in what they bring in in terms of money to the relationship and feel that men should be excluded from any child raising. They will still complain that the husband does not pull his weight, but would never let him do childcare(a man could never do that). It the whole Disney prince fantasy thing.

I am the poster from 10:12 that was quoted first here. I don't know that my wife ever wanted to stay home, but I do wonder whether there is some jealousy or resentment over how much I get to do with the kids and how they respond to me. But to be clear, as the one at home I am also the bad guy who more often tells them no, puts a stop to certain behavior, has to scold them, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting double standard here.

I agree. It's pretty remarkable.

It's not a double standard. It is a lack of faith in an SAHD actually meeting the same standard as a mother. 10:14 hit the nail on the head. Most men aren't programmed that way.

Standards of a mother? Programmed????