Ladies, would you settle down with a man who wants to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm pretty sure most men wouldn't be interested in a woman if her goal was to be a SAHM either. It usually happens bc circumstances or a mother doesn't want to leave her baby to return to work, which is a completely normal feeling.

But a man whose aim is to be a SAHD? LOL. What a lazy ass!

Wow, how fucking daffy can you be? Stay-at-home parenting is perfectly normal, you admit, but only if you somehow accidentally stumble into it... because actually intentionally planning out a massive life change is apparently so terrible, instead it should happen without thinking about it?

You're probably the sort of person who could never discuss engagement and marriage directly with your partner, you preferred to be "surprised". Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, and I definitely have a double standard. I wouldn't marry a man who wanted to be a SAHD, but I also wouldn't marry a man who wasn't open to me being a SAHM.

I don't see any issue with that double standard. I'm interested in political and social equality, but in my relationship, I'm interested in creating a life we both love. Fairness and equality aren't the same thing. I wanted someone who shares my values, so it would be stupid to marry someone who didn't share that double standard.

[Anonymous]

Ladies, if your BF/fiancé/DH tells you he WANTS to be a SAHD, believe him. And if you are okay with that, make him define in writing what a SAHD does before you reproduce with him. I speak from experience: the awful 18 mos that my ex was working on his third MA while I worked two jobs, ran errands, cooked dinner, did laundry, 100% of HW supervision and driving to extracurriculars, and was expected to enthusiastically initiate mind-blowing girl-on-top sexy times 5-6 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know some parents that chose this route versus having a nanny raise their kid. It isn't that the man isn't ambitious, it is that they chose to prioritize their family and the wife happened to be the primary breadwinner. It works for them, similar to how men with stressful jobs find it helpful to have someone who takes care of the household, kids, and everything else to allow them to focus on their career. It wasn't necessarily the husbands goal in life- it just worked out that way. Both kids are well educated, well loved and amazing people.

This could be me/us. At age 25, I was a go-getter, and in a million years would not see myself as a SAHD. In the end, I married a very successful woman who made $$$. We agreed early on that it would be in our kids' best interest for a parent to be home, and it made the most sense that it was me. I will admit giving up my career was a massive adjustment, and I endured plenty of snickers, jokes, and clueless remarks (At the grocery store with the toddler, clerk looks at son: "Oh, are you having some Daddy time today?" Well, it's actually Daddy time every day, as a matter of fact...). Anyway, I was not always happy, and I have tried hard to at least keep some part-time/freelance work on the side, but I have to say it's the best thing I ever did. I strongly believe my kids, who are highly successful and at the top of the charts academically, would not be where they are without that strong parental presence at home in the early years. Sure, plenty of high-achievers have nannies, I get that. But the bottom line is we felt it was in the best interest of our kids, so we did it.

I wonder sometimes whether my wife privately resents that I don't work out of the house, or haven't shown greater ambition, or climbed some career ladder, but she has never said that and has reiterated that we are a team. She also knows she will come every night to well-behaved, loving kids and (almost always) a home-cooked meal, and that she never has to scramble if there's a snow day, or an early dismissal from school, or a kids' doctor's appointment, etc.

So to frame the original question, I never, when dating my wife, told her, "I really want to be a SAHD." After we had kids, it made the most sense, and it's worked for us, and I have loved it. I feel so sorry for those workaholics who miss out on the kids childhood. Blink and they will be grown, and you will have missed the chance. I have not missed the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, if your BF/fiancé/DH tells you he WANTS to be a SAHD, believe him. And if you are okay with that, make him define in writing what a SAHD does before you reproduce with him. I speak from experience: the awful 18 mos that my ex was working on his third MA while I worked two jobs, ran errands, cooked dinner, did laundry, 100% of HW supervision and driving to extracurriculars, and was expected to enthusiastically initiate mind-blowing girl-on-top sexy times 5-6 times a week.

Yeah, that sounds like less of an issue with him being a SAHD, more of an issue with him being bad at being a SAHD. What should his 3rd MA matter to him if his primary priority is raising the kids and making the house livable?

[Anonymous]

So, SAHM is ok and SAHD is not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, SAHM is ok and SAHD is not?

It's awful how many people think so ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, if your BF/fiancé/DH tells you he WANTS to be a SAHD, believe him. And if you are okay with that, make him define in writing what a SAHD does before you reproduce with him. I speak from experience: the awful 18 mos that my ex was working on his third MA while I worked two jobs, ran errands, cooked dinner, did laundry, 100% of HW supervision and driving to extracurriculars, and was expected to enthusiastically initiate mind-blowing girl-on-top sexy times 5-6 times a week.

Yeah, that sounds like less of an issue with him being a SAHD, more of an issue with him being bad at being a SAHD. What should his 3rd MA matter to him if his primary priority is raising the kids and making the house livable?

That's why I said make him define it. I knew when I married him that he fantasized about it, but he never took any steps to take over running the household so I thought it was just a fantasy. When he lost his job after 9/11 and decided to go back to school, he said it was his chance to SAHD. He did the SAH part okay, but no actual "Dadding" occurred during that year and a half. Interestingly, he used the same ploy with wife #2, but she had fertility issues before they split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we could afford it, and he showed great aptitude for homemaking and childrearing, absolutely. I'd love it (have always said I needed a "wife")!

Totally agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, SAHM is ok and SAHD is not?

I dont care at all how other people set up their families. I'm glad my husband has ambition and a drive to be a high earner. He is glad that I have the skill set and desire to be at home with our kids and running our house. Works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know some parents that chose this route versus having a nanny raise their kid. It isn't that the man isn't ambitious, it is that they chose to prioritize their family and the wife happened to be the primary breadwinner. It works for them, similar to how men with stressful jobs find it helpful to have someone who takes care of the household, kids, and everything else to allow them to focus on their career. It wasn't necessarily the husbands goal in life- it just worked out that way. Both kids are well educated, well loved and amazing people.

This could be me/us. At age 25, I was a go-getter, and in a million years would not see myself as a SAHD. In the end, I married a very successful woman who made $$$. We agreed early on that it would be in our kids' best interest for a parent to be home, and it made the most sense that it was me. I will admit giving up my career was a massive adjustment, and I endured plenty of snickers, jokes, and clueless remarks (At the grocery store with the toddler, clerk looks at son: "Oh, are you having some Daddy time today?" Well, it's actually Daddy time every day, as a matter of fact...). Anyway, I was not always happy, and I have tried hard to at least keep some part-time/freelance work on the side, but I have to say it's the best thing I ever did. I strongly believe my kids, who are highly successful and at the top of the charts academically, would not be where they are without that strong parental presence at home in the early years. Sure, plenty of high-achievers have nannies, I get that. But the bottom line is we felt it was in the best interest of our kids, so we did it.

I wonder sometimes whether my wife privately resents that I don't work out of the house, or haven't shown greater ambition, or climbed some career ladder, but she has never said that and has reiterated that we are a team. She also knows she will come every night to well-behaved, loving kids and (almost always) a home-cooked meal, and that she never has to scramble if there's a snow day, or an early dismissal from school, or a kids' doctor's appointment, etc.

So to frame the original question, I never, when dating my wife, told her, "I really want to be a SAHD." After we had kids, it made the most sense, and it's worked for us, and I have loved it. I feel so sorry for those workaholics who miss out on the kids childhood. Blink and they will be grown, and you will have missed the chance. I have not missed the chance.

Different. That is making life choices as a couple.

And no, I would never have married a man whose GOAL was to be the SAHP. But the biological urge for a man to want to care for his family, be the provider and protector I think is really there. Just like the urge to care for her family, nurture and protect her kids is there for a woman. They play out differently. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I made a lot more money, yes, during the early years. If he wants to stay home perminantly? No way! I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed too. I would judge any parent that stayed at home full time when kids are in school.

Unfortunately the double standard extends to the workplace too. SAHM can probably return to the workforce, but employers will view a DH with a 6 year employment gap 'staying home' as cover for an inability to work, and SAHD will likely never return to professional work (daddy blogs notwithstanding)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, SAHM is ok and SAHD is not?

It's awful how many people think so ....

Then women complain about the double standards in society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we could afford it, and he showed great aptitude for homemaking and childrearing, absolutely. I'd love it (have always said I needed a "wife")!

Totally agree!

+1. My DH is a SAHD, not by choice, and doesn't have a great aptitude for homemaking. He views the D in SAHD as his only role. Not ideal for me, but otherwise good to have someone with the kids while they are tiny.

[Anonymous]

Biology isn't a double standard, its a fact. The day my husband can grow and nurse the babies my feelings on this may change.