Found out my son is not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, am I reading this incorrectly?

OP broke up with his girlfriend, so presumably moved out, and is still broken up, due to concerns that his gf had cheated on him and child was not his.

He finds out (from girlfriend?) today, while still broken up and not living with girlfriend or son, though we don't know how long he has been broken up/away, that the child is definitely not his but his girlfriend wants him back.

Why would the girlfriend call her ex with the news that the child is not his and want to get back together? With the bio dad in the picture?

Perhaps bio dad wants to be in the child's life but not live with/be DH/partner/ etc of the mother. Perhaps bio dad was a casual hook-up who looked better than the boyfriend , the OP, as a prospect. Bio dad could even be married. The child had a paternity test - at whose request?

Terrible situation. OP deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Was there actually a paternity test done or did this woman simply announce that the child was not Op's when their relationship hit the rocks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. What a messy situation. I'm so sorry, OP.

Despite your emotional turmoil, I think you need to consult a lawyer ASAP on what that means for your financial obligations to this child as well as your parental rights.

And what retribution your ex owes you for intentionally misleading you.

Did you see the proof that your son isn't yours? Were you ever married?

Is your name on the son's birth certificate?

[Anonymous]

this is why you don't stick your dick in crazy

[Anonymous]

To be clear, being a "son" and a "father" is a lot more--a LOT more--than biology. Ask any adoptive family.

There are probably some legal issues to work out. But if you feel like his father, and if your son sees you as his father, then... well, work something out. See a family lawyer for all the ins and outs. The biological father may have to relinquish his rights as father, and you may have to adopt, even if that means marrying and divorcing mother.

One other thing: Families are and have ALWAYS been complex. The myth of the "traditional family" is just that. Death, divorce, remarriage, adoption, and all that has been happening for a long time. Just ask my grandmother: She considered herself as having three mothers, one father, and one nasty uncle/father. All because of who was raising her at the time.

That's just how things go. So, just in case you feel "unusual," rest assured, whatever's happening to you and your family has happened to thousands before. Be glad that you can be open about it, and how great that this little boy has THREE grownups who love him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you can not trust a word this woman says. She's an admitted liar.

Get a DNA test done to verify that you are not the biological father. She might not be telling the truth.

Get a DNA test done. If she was a terrible GF, then stay away from her she will be a terrible wife.

In any case, lawyer up, as a law-talking type will be necessary for ordering DNA tests, forcing Biodad to be involved, and whatever nuances your state/locality calls for.

Biodad might be happy to visit 1-6 times a month on his terms, but may cut and run as soon as either (1) a DNA test is asked for, (2) $$$ is asked for, or (3) more time is asked for. In that case, welcome back to fatherhood (since OP is on the birth certificate.)

If Biodad runs off then future GF's need not even know the entire story on dates 1-3. Existence of the kid? Sure, that's gotta be mentioned on or before date 1. But the whole dirty story? Not until later, when a woman's decided she likes OP and will be more forgiving of wrinkles in OP's life.

If anything, a guy who treats a kid that's not his biologically as his own is more attractive to women (well, as attractive as a guy with a kid can be) provided the baby mamma causes a minimal amount of drama. Many women will just assume "U ABANDONED UR BABBY!" without caring to know the story of the relationship but they'd be against you from the get-go regardless of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the best interests of the child are what matters and you are legally his father once you take resposibility for him and assume the role of father (which you have). You hare a legal right to be this child's father and a moral obligation, and it sounds like you love him as a son. He will have two fathers in his life.

You don't know what you're talking about. The law will side with the biological parents the second they decide they want to assume a more active role in the child's life. If the biological father wants to assume his parenting role and takes the OP to court, the OP will have no chance in hell, none at all. The bio dad will be entitled to make every single decision in the child's life. OP won't be able to make a single one. So stop talking about legal rights because OP will have NONE once the biodad decides to step in.

Key word, IF. Biodad is liable to cut and run the moment DNA, $$$, or time is asked for. Right now it's visiting a cute kid a few times a month with no obligations or maybe a spare $100 slipped to the mom every now and again.

If biodad steps in and agrees to assume a paternal role, you are right, OP won't have many rights at all. At 2.5, this is young enough that the kid won't be *too* negatively affected unless bio-dad/mom are a pack of nutters, but that'd be damage done if OP stays in a paternal role.

If biodad actually agrees to assume a paternal role, OP's best course is to gracefully exit stage right, with a possible "uncle" role if the mom/bio-dad can agree to it over the long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you saying it is not your kid blah blah blah.

How do you feel about step kids? Do you really feel that a person cannot love a child who is not biologically related to them? What about adopted kids?

This is a terrible screwed up situation but OP has loved this child for almost 3 years. If you have kids can you really imagine walking away from your child? What if the hospital showed up at your door and told you your child was switched at birth and the kid you have been raising isn't your child. Would it be so easy to walk away?

Whether he stays in the life of the child or not OP will always be thinking about the child.

OP whatever you decide you should get some therapy. It is going to be tough.

What about step kids? What does this situation have to do with step kids? You seem to be forgetting that people are different. Some are more open to parenthood through adoption or donation, some are less. Some willingly marry partners with children from previous relationships, some see it as a deal breaker. I can't imagine walking away from my child. But my child's blood line is written all over him--he is the spitting image of my father. Comparing their photos taken at the same age gives me pause. I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if the genetic tie between me and my child was ambiguous. I think it's up to OP to figure this out. In any case, nobody is in the position to judge his decisions. It is very unfair to throw the adoptive families into the mix, because this is not the situation we're discussing.

Will OP be curious about the child? Of course. It's normal. But as life goes on, and OP raises his family, the daily grind will take over. His genetic children will take over and fill the void in ways he never thought possible. Nobody implies it will be easy, but walking away now sounds like a sane thing to do, considering the legal and moral aspects of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Get paternity test!!!! If you truly are not father, move on. Sorry, it hurts I am sure but there is no way your relationship with Ex will be stable--she is crazy. And given that his biological dad does want to be his "real" dad, you are in for a lot of hurt playing second and third fiddle. I think in the long run you are giving your "son" less confusion/stress by letting him bond with his biological father. So hurtful though - sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's truly frightening how many people on this site advocate for the abandonment of a very young child by his parent. And then probably would complain when that child displays behavioral problems in public. And call the mother a slut?

You reap what you sow.

That's the problem. Some other dude did the sowing. Why reap that?

[Anonymous]

That was great practice for a real wife and a real son.

Now go make it happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, when I was 2, I met the girl my dad thought was his DD. It was only once and my mom didn't know about the introduction. Soon after, my dad found out he wasn't the bio dad and he never saw her again. When I was 5, I drew my family for school and included my "sister". What an uproar! I remembered every detail. The red patent leather shoes she wore. My parents flipped out.

So don't assume he won't remember.

[Anonymous]

Move on. Or u will spend your lifetime miserable. She would never change why? all she has to do is say sorry and you would be there to pick up and cleanup after her. You will spend a life time running after her. To her, you are a boring, girl pleaser cushion. The sad part is that you would never let yourself achieve your true potential or do and build what you really want. You will be too busy doing stuff trying to impress her, you would not quite get there only to do more to top your last selfless act. It's a vicous Circle.

Now really ask urself, do u truly love her for herself or becos u have been able to conquer the unconquerable ? Get over that and remember not all prizes are worth keeping. Look at ur kid's meal gifts.

[Anonymous]

How is it this woman has seemed to have found two decent men and I can't find one?