Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

This comment makes men sound really narcissistic and kind of stupid. Men enter a lifelong legal partnership with someone just because they want a friend? Then they are surprised when their wives have their own goals for their lives besides making their husbands happy? Maybe there are a few men out there like this, but I don't think many men are this shallow and naive. Most couples talk about hopes and dreams for the future and share mutual dreams.
Political candidates pivot because they are two dimensional characters who can be seen as all this or all that and only in relation to what I need. If you see your spouse that way, instead of as a whole person with their own wants and needs, then of course they are going to dissappint you.

What they did together early in the relationship or whenever it was good was the basis of the Future and mutual dreams. Unhappiness in sexless marriage nobody signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

Troll

Obvs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

This comment makes men sound really narcissistic and kind of stupid. Men enter a lifelong legal partnership with someone just because they want a friend? Then they are surprised when their wives have their own goals for their lives besides making their husbands happy? Maybe there are a few men out there like this, but I don't think many men are this shallow and naive. Most couples talk about hopes and dreams for the future and share mutual dreams.
Political candidates pivot because they are two dimensional characters who can be seen as all this or all that and only in relation to what I need. If you see your spouse that way, instead of as a whole person with their own wants and needs, then of course they are going to dissappint you.

What they did together early in the relationship or whenever it was good was the basis of the Future and mutual dreams. Unhappiness in sexless marriage nobody signed up for.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:societal pressure. hormones. lack of support from DH. working mother's guilt.

take your pick. be honest. talk to her. go to counseling. don't be an asshole.

+1

The young kids stage is so hard. I make an effort to connect with DH, but I am so bloody tired all the time. I work long hours, commute, and handle 90% of the kids' lives. DH is great in helping with housework, and is also very tired! It just pray life gets a little less exhausting down the road.

[Anonymous]

I didn't expect to love my children more than my husband. It's just happened. I didn't want kids - he pushed for it. He was talking babies as soon as we got engaged. I actually considered aborting my first pregnancy - I was so reluctant. Now we have two and I can't imagine life without them. DH on the other hand is jealous of my attention towards them and also not sympathetic to how much attention and energy they require from me. I think he saw kids as a possession you acquire and never considered sharing his love with me and them ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

This comment makes men sound really narcissistic and kind of stupid. Men enter a lifelong legal partnership with someone just because they want a friend? Then they are surprised when their wives have their own goals for their lives besides making their husbands happy? Maybe there are a few men out there like this, but I don't think many men are this shallow and naive. Most couples talk about hopes and dreams for the future and share mutual dreams.
Political candidates pivot because they are two dimensional characters who can be seen as all this or all that and only in relation to what I need. If you see your spouse that way, instead of as a whole person with their own wants and needs, then of course they are going to dissappint you.

What they did together early in the relationship or whenever it was good was the basis of the Future and mutual dreams. Unhappiness in sexless marriage nobody signed up for.

No. No one signs up for an unhappy marriage, a sexless marriage, an abusive marriage, to be cheated on, etc. But the claim that men are so easily manipulated that women can accidentally trick them into a family lifestyle that they didn't want just by wanting to get married, then by wanting typical middle class things (house, car, kids)...just isn't true or isn't true very often anyway.

[Anonymous]

Worst are the men who think women are a hole in the mattress who are suppose to supply them with endless sex. Their main reason for marriage then fail to help equally with the kids, and home. Many men pull that scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't expect to love my children more than my husband. It's just happened. I didn't want kids - he pushed for it. He was talking babies as soon as we got engaged. I actually considered aborting my first pregnancy - I was so reluctant. Now we have two and I can't imagine life without them. DH on the other hand is jealous of my attention towards them and also not sympathetic to how much attention and energy they require from me. I think he saw kids as a possession you acquire and never considered sharing his love with me and them ....

Of course you should love them more. Make some time for him, but know they will be with you for life, so will the grand kids. It get's old for many women having a man baby, why there are so many happy widows out there. Honestly a man jealous of his own kids is pretty pitiful, he would be hard to love at all. Is he also jealous of the dog??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

Looking back, it doesn't matter if it's the convenient guy or the great looking ambitious guy. If you want a family you'd better not wait much beyond mid 30's. You can always find a mate if one doesn't work out, however; you have a finite time to have your family as a woman. The kids should always be most important though you have to put your spouse pretty close. I don't see a reason you would have to choose, but yes kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

If you are a bachelor forming impressions about "DWs" as a group, you probably shouldn't get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

If you are a bachelor forming impressions about "DWs" as a group, you probably shouldn't get married.

I am a 33 year old man who has always envisioned himself getting married. However, as I've watched my friends marriages evolve I hear from my guy friends about the ways their DWs change, esp. as it relates to interest in sex. It almost always goes down and stays much lower. Why would anyone want any part of that?