Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

No, men get married primarily to be taken care of, which is why their wife caring for the kids really stings.

Maybe but sexually is part of it and that stings much more for a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's sad that she's too busy caring for your children to care for the other baby in the household, you.

Exactly, a jealous baby brat too. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

It sounds like she is overwhelmed picking up your parenting slack.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

+1 I agree with this. Men are often a means to an end. The woman often gets married for the baby. I do not believe that men primarily marry for children. Men marry for companionship which includes sex and because they like the woman as she is. Men are often surprised when the woman changes her behavior and attitude to line up her goals and objectives after marriage. Women, on the other had, are often surprised (an angry and upset) when they find that their husbands are not on-board with their new found goals and objectives. I really think part of the issue is that women have a long term agenda and they use short term tactics to get what they want. Prior to marriage they are focused on "getting a husband" so they do and say things to "get one." This; however, isn't the real goal. Their real goal is babies, or a social status or money, or... whatever...

In effect, they "pivot" (to use a political phrase) after they marry. Bottom line... they built a constituency in the husband and then they abandoned their political base after they get elected. What happens? Well their political base they become upset that they got abandoned and vote for someone new (think AP, or second wife).

No, men get married primarily to be taken care of, which is why their wife caring for the kids really stings.

Maybe but sexually is part of it and that stings much more for a man.

My husband needs and wants sex less than I do. Way to generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

You two have bigger problems than her motherhood.
Agree with a PP, she's not that into you.

Actuallyk, it's 24% of my income before taxes. So, it feels like a much bigger bite once taxes, health insurance, retirement, etc. are taken out.

You are married and you earn comparable salaries. It does not matter who writes the check to the mortgage and who pays for the groceries, kid activities, household supplies, etc. There is no such thing as your money and her money. DW is contributing to your overall lifestyle as much as you are. That would be true even if all her money were going into savings, because you own an automatic interest in those savings absent a prenup to the contrary. So stop resenting her for the pressure you feel to keep up with adult financial and asset management responsibilities. It sounds like she is pulling her weight and then some.

OP, you clearly resent your wife and seem to be feeling overwhelmed with the drudgery of your life in general. Work on cultivating gratitude for your wife and your life, including your job and your house, and you might find that she responds. Life unfolds in stages. You are ready for this one to end, but that doesn't mean you need to end your marriage. Slow down and see how things evolve when your kid is out of the house. Start planning a great vacation or a move to a condo community where lawnwork will be absent. Stop making your wife feel like the choremaster and instead do things at home on your own initiative, with a sense of appreciation that you have a nice house and a family to take care of. Plenty of people don't.

[Anonymous]

OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

Maybe you could do some stuff with your teen together, go shopping with her, or have the neighbors over for a dinner that you prepare.

I sort of picture your wife going to athletic events with your child and participating as an active volunteer, then coming home and working on the lawn and chatting with the neighbors while you sit inside listening to music and peeking out the windows at her fuming that she isn't spending any time with you.

He is the one with the problem, not her. The teens can be the busiest times, soccer, football, volley ball, track, etc. I was fortunate that myself and dh did most together. If not the other picked up the other's slack. I would HATE to be married to her pitiful husband.

What a man child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, is this the same guy with one teen DD who constantly posts about his horrible wife but refuses to bite the bullet and actually leave her?

Yes, it's him again! He's like a bad penny.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

+1

Also a childless (by choice). You hit the nail on the head. Hubby and I had the children talk long before we got married. I made it clear and upfront that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. If we had wanted kids, I would certainly make time for my husband, and I would expect husband to make time for myself. I feel that people put their kids first too much to the point that they stop having a marriage. If you don't put yourselves first once in awhile, you lose that passion and all the reason you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.

This is funny coming from 2 childless posters. Unfortunately, little kids demand that you physically put them first. They need to eat dinner and get bathed and have someone brush their teeth. Given the choice, I would happily choose to sit with my husband and listen to music and drink some wine. However, that's not life with children. And to make that your priority is effed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - your wife is not interested in dropping out of her circle of parenting friends and activities to listen to music and read books with you. Who can blame her? She's put in a lot of time building relationships with your daughter and these people and her parenting journey is almost over. Have you been on that journey with her?

I think she's wondering what life is going to be like when your daughter is out of the house. You sound like you've not participated in the parts of her life that she values. She might be relieved to hear you're thinking of leaving.

Make an effort to join her in whatever she's doing instead of moping about how she isn't the type of person you'd imagined she'd be at this point in her life.

She'll enjoy hobbies, friends, daughter and grand kids. His wife get's it.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex life? She probably hates sex too lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex life? She probably hates sex too lol.

Since he doesn't partake in their child's activities and is a slacker I can't imagine she'd want to have sex too often.

He needs to get his priorities in order.

[Anonymous]

You are drones. Once you're done breeding, you will be thrown out of the hive to die in the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

Not your wife, but I won't be surprised. I will be filing for myself, the second DC#2 is old enough for leave home.

I have actual kids. I don't feel like taking care of a man-child until the day I die.

[Anonymous]

It's not just women . People don't prioritize their relationship once kids arrive and then they scratch their heads about why a spouse is cheating or they are on the verge of divorce.

People are obsessed with their kids on a way that is not heat for anyone. Especially true in this area.

Yes I have kids.