Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - i understand what you're saying, you are not responsible for your mothers happiness, you should not need to carry the emotional burden of something that happened when you were a child, and you should be allowed to have a relationship with your father and his family whether or not he has done something awful to your mother. People aren't all good or all bad. I don't have any advice to you other than don't let the unproductive posters get to you. They are the bitter women whose husbands cheated on them that are currently wrecking their own children with that emotional weight.

You must be the adulteress PP.

Or just a regular non OW who understands the OP's POV. It's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is so obvious that you are hearing from a bunch of bitter, angry ex-wives. It's actually beyond sad, it's rather pathetic.

Yes, I was cheated on. Yes, it was painful. Divorce sucks. However, it had absolutely nothing to do with my kids. I worked through the pain like an adult. I got therapy. I very, very rarely even think about my ex husband and his wife. We see each other at graduations, weddings, etc. We are nice to each other. We are adults.

Your mom's behavior is completely inappropriate. She needs therapy. Next time she brings up your dad or stepmother, shut her down. Politely tell her you will no longer engage in conversations about them. If she continues, walk away.

I'm actually still the first wife. To my knowledge, DH has not chested, and neither have I. But it speaks volumes about your values when you can't sympathize with a man or woman who has been cheated on and then taken through the ringer both fiancially and emotionally. And then the cheat goes on to live a wonderful, careful life more abundant than the person he harmed. OP states later that her mom is a narcissist among other horrible things. Of course this information was only provided after many posters called OP out on her lack of empathy and understanding toward her MOTHER. She has yet to say one negative thing about her father or stepmother. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever been cheated on by a husband? Let us know once it happens to you how your Mother should feel. Seriously.

+1

[Anonymous]

My goodness OP what's the big deal. When she brings it up, say something witty: "You're right mom, she's a bimbo but thankfully she's dad's problem now." One of my relatives brings up the OW and some of the funny stuff she says makes me laugh. My relative calls her town bicycle which cracked me up. OW took part in breaking up a family, so being married a lot of years doesn't elevate her to Saint level. Your mom is calling it correctly.

Yes OP ask her how come she doesn't rant more about your dad since he was the one that cheated over and over. OP I will bet he's cheated on step mom too, but it maybe the lifestyle is more important than your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

This is beyond behaving "badly". Too bad your mom has wasted so much airtime on this, but it's was obviously traumatic in many ways. I would have waited at least a year, never speaking badly about these two awful individuals. Sexy thongs would be sent to OW, a few hang up calls here and there. Wash rinse repeat over time, other things so OW would feel just like the woman she replaced. Meanwhile I would quickly move forward, making my happiness number one although laughing at dh and ow's implosion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is so obvious that you are hearing from a bunch of bitter, angry ex-wives. It's actually beyond sad, it's rather pathetic.

Yes, I was cheated on. Yes, it was painful. Divorce sucks. However, it had absolutely nothing to do with my kids. I worked through the pain like an adult. I got therapy. I very, very rarely even think about my ex husband and his wife. We see each other at graduations, weddings, etc. We are nice to each other. We are adults.

Your mom's behavior is completely inappropriate. She needs therapy. Next time she brings up your dad or stepmother, shut her down. Politely tell her you will no longer engage in conversations about them. If she continues, walk away.

I'm actually still the first wife. To my knowledge, DH has not chested, and neither have I. But it speaks volumes about your values when you can't sympathize with a man or woman who has been cheated on and then taken through the ringer both fiancially and emotionally. And then the cheat goes on to live a wonderful, careful life more abundant than the person he harmed. OP states later that her mom is a narcissist among other horrible things. Of course this information was only provided after many posters called OP out on her lack of empathy and understanding toward her MOTHER. She has yet to say one negative thing about her father or stepmother. Interesting.

+1 You've expressed well what I've been thinking. I'm sure the entire back story would explain things and perhaps why OP's mom has had difficulty moving on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

This is beyond behaving "badly". Too bad your mom has wasted so much airtime on this, but it's was obviously traumatic in many ways. I would have waited at least a year, never speaking badly about these two awful individuals. Sexy thongs would be sent to OW, a few hang up calls here and there. Wash rinse repeat over time, other things so OW would feel just like the woman she replaced. Meanwhile I would quickly move forward, making my happiness number one although laughing at dh and ow's implosion

Sorry but these cannot happen simultaneously, you can't REALLY be moving forward if you are plotting and acting in order to seek revenge. You just can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are, but when the implosion happens, or doesn't, there will be an emptiness there to fill and those feelings you put off working through come rushing in to fill that void.

At a certain point, trauma becomes a choice. You can choose to do the hard work of working through it (no you don't just "get over it" one day) or not but the burden of carrying it never shifts away from the person holding it, the person who did it already moved on, you can't shift it back to them. So those last 2 sentences are something I hold onto a lot, they were advice given to me from a colleague who I adore. She's a survivor of genocide in Burundi, I figured she knew this topic better than anyone I'll ever meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!




He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

When you cheat on the spouse you equally cheat on the kids, hence family. Yes he is a pos, and while it's up to OP I would stand by her mom. Forget the dad, it was long over apparently.

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

Ugh I'm right there with you op. Mom complains and then sends you off for the weekend with Dad and other woman per the agreement. And then as a kid you feel awkward even being there after hearing the attacks on OW but you have no choice.
In my case, dad and OW split up. But man, those were some tough years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

This is beyond behaving "badly". Too bad your mom has wasted so much airtime on this, but it's was obviously traumatic in many ways. I would have waited at least a year, never speaking badly about these two awful individuals. Sexy thongs would be sent to OW, a few hang up calls here and there. Wash rinse repeat over time, other things so OW would feel just like the woman she replaced. Meanwhile I would quickly move forward, making my happiness number one although laughing at dh and ow's implosion

Sorry but these cannot happen simultaneously, you can't REALLY be moving forward if you are plotting and acting in order to seek revenge. You just can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are, but when the implosion happens, or doesn't, there will be an emptiness there to fill and those feelings you put off working through come rushing in to fill that void.

At a certain point, trauma becomes a choice. You can choose to do the hard work of working through it (no you don't just "get over it" one day) or not but the burden of carrying it never shifts away from the person holding it, the person who did it already moved on, you can't shift it back to them. So those last 2 sentences are something I hold onto a lot, they were advice given to me from a colleague who I adore. She's a survivor of genocide in Burundi, I figured she knew this topic better than anyone I'll ever meet.

A little healthy revenge is fine yes you can move on. I know a lady right now that did some funny stuff while she landed a great job, new bf that ended up as a husband and today they are still happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My goodness OP what's the big deal. When she brings it up, say something witty: "You're right mom, she's a bimbo but thankfully she's dad's problem now." One of my relatives brings up the OW and some of the funny stuff she says makes me laugh. My relative calls her town bicycle which cracked me up. OW took part in breaking up a family, so being married a lot of years doesn't elevate her to Saint level. Your mom is calling it correctly.

Yes OP ask her how come she doesn't rant more about your dad since he was the one that cheated over and over. OP I will bet he's cheated on step mom too, but it maybe the lifestyle is more important than your dad.

It's just exhausting to have to deal with that kind of negativity over the years. It's also inappropriate to vent to your kids about that. My MIL has been divorced for about 25 years and FIL and the OW have been married 20+ years. MIL still rants about her. My kids are young enough that they only know FIL and the OW as grandpa and grandma, not grandpa and his whore. MIL tried to poison my kids against her and DH and I shut that shit down really quickly. No need to carry it through to a new generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

This is beyond behaving "badly". Too bad your mom has wasted so much airtime on this, but it's was obviously traumatic in many ways. I would have waited at least a year, never speaking badly about these two awful individuals. Sexy thongs would be sent to OW, a few hang up calls here and there. Wash rinse repeat over time, other things so OW would feel just like the woman she replaced. Meanwhile I would quickly move forward, making my happiness number one although laughing at dh and ow's implosion

Sorry but these cannot happen simultaneously, you can't REALLY be moving forward if you are plotting and acting in order to seek revenge. You just can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are, but when the implosion happens, or doesn't, there will be an emptiness there to fill and those feelings you put off working through come rushing in to fill that void.

At a certain point, trauma becomes a choice. You can choose to do the hard work of working through it (no you don't just "get over it" one day) or not but the burden of carrying it never shifts away from the person holding it, the person who did it already moved on, you can't shift it back to them. So those last 2 sentences are something I hold onto a lot, they were advice given to me from a colleague who I adore. She's a survivor of genocide in Burundi, I figured she knew this topic better than anyone I'll ever meet.

A little healthy revenge is fine yes you can move on. I know a lady right now that did some funny stuff while she landed a great job, new bf that ended up as a husband and today they are still happy.

Pp here, I actually think we agree, the Revenge part of her story sort of ended as she moved on it sounds like......if she was still.stuck on it, the new relationship wouldn't have probably taken priority and would have failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

OP -- did you know that your Mom reads DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

Life doesn't work so simply.


He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

OP -- did you know that your Mom reads DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

OP -- did you know that your Mom reads DCUM?

It's funny until it happens to you. He didn't just divorce her, he was a horrible man. It's not the mother OP should be posting about imo.