Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

As you get older in life, I think you'll find that descriptions of past behaviors and choices will "stick."

As you get older you may fall off that high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.

Oh, she's a slut, she's materialistic, she's a workaholic, she's a terrible mother, she's bad with money....I don't know where she gets her information but she sure has a lot of ammunition.

-OP

I think I know where she gets that the OW was a slut

I'm sorry OP, this really sucks for you. I imagine this is not healthy for your mom either, to hold onto this anger. I say this as someone who was cheated on. I would be unimaginably hurt if my husband ends up with the OW and exposed my kids to her, but that pain is pain for me, and they wouldn't care. The anger hurts your mom (and you and your brother), but I doubt the OW gives a crap about your mom any more now than she did when she and your dad cheated. In your case, can you sit her down at some point and tell her that you love her, you completely understand her pain, but that it is making you stressed out for both yourself and her. Tell her that you want her, your brother, and you to have some peace and not let the OW ruin any of your time together, not to give her that power. Obviously, I think she needs therapy or something, but if she hasn't sought it out by now, she probably won't. It's possible that she's so blinded by her pain that it hasn't registered how it impacts your brother and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

As you get older in life, I think you'll find that descriptions of past behaviors and choices will "stick."

As you get older you may fall off that high horse.

No high horse here. Just stated the truth. It's very hard for people to move on if they've engaged in certain behaviors. I don't think it's fair, but it happens. Just read the obituaries of people in the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.

Oh, she's a slut, she's materialistic, she's a workaholic, she's a terrible mother, she's bad with money....I don't know where she gets her information but she sure has a lot of ammunition.

-OP

I think I know where she gets that the OW was a slut

I'm sorry OP, this really sucks for you. I imagine this is not healthy for your mom either, to hold onto this anger. I say this as someone who was cheated on. I would be unimaginably hurt if my husband ends up with the OW and exposed my kids to her, but that pain is pain for me, and they wouldn't care. The anger hurts your mom (and you and your brother), but I doubt the OW gives a crap about your mom any more now than she did when she and your dad cheated. In your case, can you sit her down at some point and tell her that you love her, you completely understand her pain, but that it is making you stressed out for both yourself and her. Tell her that you want her, your brother, and you to have some peace and not let the OW ruin any of your time together, not to give her that power. Obviously, I think she needs therapy or something, but if she hasn't sought it out by now, she probably won't. It's possible that she's so blinded by her pain that it hasn't registered how it impacts your brother and you.

+100 From the first word to the last, this poster "gets it" and has offered excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

Yes, an adulterer who married an adulterer. So now legally a stepmom. Still an OW as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

OP your father is a pice of shit . I say this because I understand how your mother feels. I have been cheated in the pas . I was so angry I was never happy I try hard to be better then then "the cheaters" I got it . I am Married with two kids and happy . You should talk to your Mother into get a boyfriend or travel get more knowledge, do what ever make her happy and full fill it. Life doesn't depend on another person . NO on a cheater they are pice of shit. Be always on your mothers side . Remind those cheater what they do to your brother often gave them a hard time when ever you can . Remember they are getting old and useless, dependent on you and your brother. They must to pay for what they did .

[Anonymous]

OP, the crazies are out in force on this thread. Cheating is a fact of life. It sucks, and I hope it never happens to me, but the idea that people who do this cannot possibly have any redeeming value or worth as human beings is insane. I am in a similar situation, only my mother has been carrying on about my father for 25 years. It's very painful to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the crazies are out in force on this thread. Cheating is a fact of life. It sucks, and I hope it never happens to me, but the idea that people who do this cannot possibly have any redeeming value or worth as human beings is insane. I am in a similar situation, only my mother has been carrying on about my father for 25 years. It's very painful to deal with.

It's heartening to know I'm not the only one. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the crazies are out in force on this thread. Cheating is a fact of life. It sucks, and I hope it never happens to me, but the idea that people who do this cannot possibly have any redeeming value or worth as human beings is insane. I am in a similar situation, only my mother has been carrying on about my father for 25 years. It's very painful to deal with.

Cheating may be a fact of life for some people. There are many men and women who don't feel that way and faithfully honor their commitments to others.

[Anonymous]

When she brings up the other woman, gave her a hug, or hold her hand. Look into her eyes. Be present for her. Let her talk for a bit, and then redirect the conversation by telling her how much you appreciate something she did for you recently, or long ago. Or talk about how your DC (if you have one) reminds you of her.

She may simply be trying to connect with her. Maybe you can model a better way of connecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

You sound extremely childish.

[Anonymous]

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

NP here, but OP, what's odd about this is that it seems that your Mom is trashtalking the OW/stepmom, not your Dad. I could see how the latter would be very painful and awkward. But what do you care about the OW? It's not like she raised you since age 6 - she entered your life when you were practically an adult. Admittedly, I have never dealt with this situation (but on the other hand, I have never been cheated on or had family members cheated on either to my knowledge, so I don't have a dog in the race). But if I was in this situation, I imagine I would tend to dislike the OW as well: why would I care if someone was trashing the person who broke up my family - hell I might agree? And to call it "emotional incest" seems bizarrely overwrought. I wonder if it is clear to your Mom that you "side" with the OW, or at least are attracted to her relative success and the fact that she "won" your Dad, and that is why she is constantly in a way "testing your loyalty" with the tirades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

You sound extremely childish.

and you sound defensive...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

You sound extremely childish.

and you sound defensive...

First post in this tread so no. Just struck by your immaturity.