Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Can you tell her that you understand her anger and agree with her, but that the reminder of it causes you undue stress? I think you have to show her empathetic to her while also conveying that you've heard enough.

[Anonymous]

No advice. I feel for you and your brother.
My grandparents sound very similar and my grandmother held onto that anger until the day she died. It affected the children and grandchildren and I would there would have been a better resolution to all of it.
From my experience, I feel like as long as she is holding on to that anger, it is going to affect all of you on some level.

[Anonymous]

Stop her, interrupt her -- put a hand up if you need to and say her first name to stop her -- and say "No more about this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop her, interrupt her -- put a hand up if you need to and say her first name to stop her -- and say "No more about this."

"Mom, tell this to a therapist, not me, and not my brother. We have to have a relationship with Dad too, and this just isn't fair. If you bring it up again, I will walk out // hang up."

[doodlebug]

my mom is like this too except my dad died ten years after their divorce (I was 14 when he died, so he's been dead 29 yrs!) and as far as I know there wasn't an actual other woman, just the one in my mom's imagination. She STILL blames him for stuff that's wrong with her. To be fair he was kind of a selfish asshole and a semi-functioning alcoholic so there could be SOME merit to the things she says but good heavens, drop it already.

No advice, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom is entitled to her pain and anger (no matter how long ago) and attempting to silence her doesn't seem right, but if you or your brother can't handle hearing it, I think it's a good idea to let her know that you empathize, but that the tirades have a very negative effect on you and your brother.

It's really important for it to not sound like you're shutting her up, just that you can't cope with it. She already feels betrayed by your father, she doesn't need to feel like her children are rejecting her as well.

[Anonymous]

People can only complain to you if you let them. Kindly and gently tell your mom that it makes you sad to hear this and so you are not listening to it any longer. Tell her that you feel for her but can't keep listening or it. Then do not listen. Leave the room, end the phone call, don't read the email, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop her, interrupt her -- put a hand up if you need to and say her first name to stop her -- and say "No more about this."

"Mom, tell this to a therapist, not me, and not my brother. We have to have a relationship with Dad too, and this just isn't fair. If you bring it up again, I will walk out // hang up."

Yes, this. She has to understand that while everyone agrees she was wronged, it's not appropriate for her to talk this way to you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

Relationship with their dad is fine.

Relationship with the other woman? Nothing more than distant and polite is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

Relationship with their dad is fine.

Relationship with the other woman? Nothing more than distant and polite is necessary.

The OW has been married to their father for 15 years. They have no reason not to have a relationship with her if they choose to.

Again, how does "not having a relationship" with either of these people help anyone? All it does it hurt the children more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

Odd you want to punish your mom who still feels pain, yet probably still talk to your dad for some unknown reason. I would say put yourself in her place, how would you feel. Let her get it out of her system from time to time. Another idea, if it begins to get to be too much remind her she is luckily to be rid of such a creep. Now the OW is stuck with this loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!




He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

When you cheat on the spouse you equally cheat on the kids, hence family. Yes he is a pos, and while it's up to OP I would stand by her mom. Forget the dad, it was long over apparently.