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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable? [/quote]

This is beyond behaving "badly".  Too bad your mom has wasted so much airtime on this, but it's was obviously traumatic in many ways.  I would have waited at least a year, never speaking badly about these two awful individuals.  [b]Sexy thongs would be sent to OW, a few hang up calls here and there.  Wash rinse repeat over time, other things so OW would feel just like the woman she replaced.  Meanwhile I would quickly move forward[/b], making my happiness number one although laughing at dh and ow's implosion  [/quote]

Sorry but these cannot happen simultaneously, you can't REALLY be moving forward if you are plotting and acting in order to seek revenge. You just can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are, but when the implosion happens, or doesn't, there will be an emptiness there to fill and those feelings you put off working through come rushing in to fill that void.

At a certain point, trauma becomes a choice. You can choose to do the hard work of working through it (no you don't just "get over it" one day) or not but the burden of carrying it never shifts away from the person holding it, the person who did it already moved on, you can't shift it back to them. So those last 2 sentences are something I hold onto a lot, they were advice given to me from a colleague who I adore. She's a survivor of genocide in Burundi, I figured she knew this topic better than anyone I'll ever meet.[/quote]

A little healthy revenge is fine yes you can move on. I know a lady right now that did some funny stuff while she landed a great job, new bf that ended up as a husband and today they are still happy.  [/quote]

Pp here, I actually think we agree, the Revenge part of her story sort of ended as she moved on it sounds like......if she was still.stuck on it, the new relationship wouldn't have probably taken priority and would have failed. [/quote]

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