Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

Relationship with their dad is fine.

Relationship with the other woman? Nothing more than distant and polite is necessary.

The OW has been married to their father for 15 years. They have no reason not to have a relationship with her if they choose to.

Again, how does "not having a relationship" with either of these people help anyone? All it does it hurt the children more.

Although I've never had to go through this kind of pain, I've had close friends and family members who've experienced it. It's so sad that OP's mom is expected to hold up her head and be the "Better Person" after her ex treated her and their two kids like total crap. But, yes, that's what she needs to do, so that the family can have some peace. People like her ex and his affair partner leave pain in their wake while they pursue their selfish ways. People like that just don't care about other people's pain.

[Anonymous]

My Sil's husband left her and the kids after 23 years of marriage. Everything was great until a ex gf looked him up from another state, and stalked them. By the time I helped sil look her up, he had already left. She had just divorced her 3rd husband, they were broke and she needed another life preserver. She was prettier and a little younger than sil, but shockingly he left his family like they were yesterday's garbage.

Long story but it was a very ugly 2.5 year divorce. He not only wanted the woman, but they BOTH wanted her nice home that was paid off. The judge gave her the home, she took less on the retirement. They ended up getting married and none of their 3 kids talk to him today, he doesn't see his grand-kids either. The great part is after 5 years that OW died of some heart thing. Less than a year later he started calling my sil to see if they could get back together, OMG. She told him where to go and to never call her or the kids again. Today he is in poor health and all alone except for his dog.

We have great laughs at times about the deceased OW, and stuff they did to her, how Karma got them both and how well she is doing.

Remind your mother how glad you are she doesn't have to live that that any longer, BUT the bimbo does and what a sad life she got out of. That's how I would handle it fyi.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Sil's husband left her and the kids after 23 years of marriage. Everything was great until a ex gf looked him up from another state, and stalked them. By the time I helped sil look her up, he had already left. She had just divorced her 3rd husband, they were broke and she needed another life preserver. She was prettier and a little younger than sil, but shockingly he left his family like they were yesterday's garbage.

Long story but it was a very ugly 2.5 year divorce. He not only wanted the woman, but they BOTH wanted her nice home that was paid off. The judge gave her the home, she took less on the retirement. They ended up getting married and none of their 3 kids talk to him today, he doesn't see his grand-kids either. The great part is after 5 years that OW died of some heart thing. Less than a year later he started calling my sil to see if they could get back together, OMG. She told him where to go and to never call her or the kids again. Today he is in poor health and all alone except for his dog.

We have great laughs at times about the deceased OW, and stuff they did to her, how Karma got them both and how well she is doing.

Remind your mother how glad you are she doesn't have to live that that any longer, BUT the bimbo does and what a sad life she got out of. That's how I would handle it fyi.

OP here. That's a vindicating story.

The thing is: nothing bad has happened to or with dad and/or his wife. She works in the corporate world (my mom's in nonprofit) and so they have an absurdly higher household income than my mom and dad ever did. They live lavishly: they take nice vacations, have beautiful things, etc. Everything genuinely seems to be good - and they seem really happy together, which my mom and dad never were.

I sense that it's easier for my mom to place the blame squarely on OW, because my dad in truth did screw her (he's a lawyer - no surprise there). She'd stayed home for years with my brother and was just getting back into the job market when he told her he wanted the divorce. He left her high and dry. She ended up having to sell our house and was deeply emotionally impacted, which negatively affected her work performance.

I don't want to blather on but I want to make it clear that I understand her pain, but it sometimes feels like a huge burden for her to continuously berate dad's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Sil's husband left her and the kids after 23 years of marriage. Everything was great until a ex gf looked him up from another state, and stalked them. By the time I helped sil look her up, he had already left. She had just divorced her 3rd husband, they were broke and she needed another life preserver. She was prettier and a little younger than sil, but shockingly he left his family like they were yesterday's garbage.

Long story but it was a very ugly 2.5 year divorce. He not only wanted the woman, but they BOTH wanted her nice home that was paid off. The judge gave her the home, she took less on the retirement. They ended up getting married and none of their 3 kids talk to him today, he doesn't see his grand-kids either. The great part is after 5 years that OW died of some heart thing. Less than a year later he started calling my sil to see if they could get back together, OMG. She told him where to go and to never call her or the kids again. Today he is in poor health and all alone except for his dog.

We have great laughs at times about the deceased OW, and stuff they did to her, how Karma got them both and how well she is doing.

Remind your mother how glad you are she doesn't have to live that that any longer, BUT the bimbo does and what a sad life she got out of. That's how I would handle it fyi.

OP here. That's a vindicating story.

The thing is: nothing bad has happened to or with dad and/or his wife. She works in the corporate world (my mom's in nonprofit) and so they have an absurdly higher household income than my mom and dad ever did. They live lavishly: they take nice vacations, have beautiful things, etc. Everything genuinely seems to be good - and they seem really happy together, which my mom and dad never were.

I sense that it's easier for my mom to place the blame squarely on OW, because my dad in truth did screw her (he's a lawyer - no surprise there). She'd stayed home for years with my brother and was just getting back into the job market when he told her he wanted the divorce. He left her high and dry. She ended up having to sell our house and was deeply emotionally impacted, which negatively affected her work performance.

I don't want to blather on but I want to make it clear that I understand her pain, but it sometimes feels like a huge burden for her to continuously berate dad's wife.

You'll never know if their marriage is good or not. Maybe ask your mother if she's happy in her marriage. If she says yes then ask her why she still talks about that OW. OP they are on their best behavior when you see them, but I bet your dad isn't so great with her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Hating the OW is a less painful than accepting that the person who promised to love you forever decided it wasn't worth it.

Your mother's sense of self was fundamentally hurt by this, but it sounds like she hasn't actually processed the whole thing, as she's yet to move on from the distraction of hating this other women who owed her nothing.

I'd encourage her to seek counseling. At the very least, I'd say something like - Mom, it's been 15 years, and yes, it was awful, but I thought were you happy now. It worries me to hear you go on like this after all these years - are you and step-dad having problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

Its the other woman to the exwife -- it is not the children's "OW" nor is it their cross to bear. Their job is not to take care of their mother - it's the other way around. Their mother is behaving poorly, venting and leaning on her children about THEIR OWN FAMILY. She is causing more, unneeded pain and suffering.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to get over. Took my family about 20 years to get over my dad doing this. Things will never be friendly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop her, interrupt her -- put a hand up if you need to and say her first name to stop her -- and say "No more about this."

"Mom, tell this to a therapist, not me, and not my brother. We have to have a relationship with Dad too, and this just isn't fair. If you bring it up again, I will walk out // hang up."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.