Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to get over. Took my family about 20 years to get over my dad doing this. Things will never be friendly

If you lost a child, parent, or a sibling you never get over it. While she needs to move forward it does sound like he was a horrible man, likely still is.

[Anonymous]

"Mom we only want a relationship with dad, no one cares about her." "He's probably a big dick to her too." "Why you shouldn't waste anymore oxygen on ow mom, or dad for that matter."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.

Oh, she's a slut, she's materialistic, she's a workaholic, she's a terrible mother, she's bad with money....I don't know where she gets her information but she sure has a lot of ammunition.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

NP here.

Look, I get it. Anyone who has an affair is permanently and utterly tainted in your eyes. Like the OP said, stand in her shoes. You work with the family that you have - which includes whoever your parents marry, whether you hate them or love them. Many of us choose to include step-parents (or even bio-parents!) who we don't particularly care for because we want the other parent to come to whatever. If the OP wants her father to attend things like children's birthday parties/graduations/weddings, excluding his wife may be counter to that agenda. You can scream all you want about how that means her dad is an asshole. No one is disagreeing with you there. But he's still her dad and she probably still wants to have a relationship with him.

I disagree with the statement that cheating on the wife is cheating on the kids. It's actually possible to be a good parent and a shitty spouse - or vice-versa - at the same time. I'm divorced from someone who was a terrible husband but an amazing father. My mother cheated on my dad but was, to me and my siblings, an amazing mother. If that's not your experience, fine, but don't pretend that your experience applies to everyone else's experience.

I don't think there is any situation that makes it okay for a parent to trashtalk another parent (step-parent, in this case) to the kids. Making the kids bear that emotional burden is selfish and irresponsible - maybe not at the same level of selfish and irresponsible as cheating, but not in any way a good parenting decision. Deal with your own baggage in an appropriate way. Keep your kids out of it.

I also think that if the OP's mom is still this viscerally angry after 15 years, she has not processed or dealt with her anger and grief in an effective way. Yes, she needs to move on. It's been 15 years. It's not healthy to dwell this much after 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

Relationship with their dad is fine.

Relationship with the other woman? Nothing more than distant and polite is necessary.

The Dad had shared custody, meaning OP's brother lived part time with the other women for more than a decade. You think a child should have to be "distant and polite" with someone who lives in his home and his married to his father for 10 years in order to commiserate with his mother? That's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

NP here.

Look, I get it. Anyone who has an affair is permanently and utterly tainted in your eyes. Like the OP said, stand in her shoes. You work with the family that you have - which includes whoever your parents marry, whether you hate them or love them. Many of us choose to include step-parents (or even bio-parents!) who we don't particularly care for because we want the other parent to come to whatever. If the OP wants her father to attend things like children's birthday parties/graduations/weddings, excluding his wife may be counter to that agenda. You can scream all you want about how that means her dad is an asshole. No one is disagreeing with you there. But he's still her dad and she probably still wants to have a relationship with him.

I disagree with the statement that cheating on the wife is cheating on the kids. It's actually possible to be a good parent and a shitty spouse - or vice-versa - at the same time. I'm divorced from someone who was a terrible husband but an amazing father. My mother cheated on my dad but was, to me and my siblings, an amazing mother. If that's not your experience, fine, but don't pretend that your experience applies to everyone else's experience.

I don't think there is any situation that makes it okay for a parent to trashtalk another parent (step-parent, in this case) to the kids. Making the kids bear that emotional burden is selfish and irresponsible - maybe not at the same level of selfish and irresponsible as cheating, but not in any way a good parenting decision. Deal with your own baggage in an appropriate way. Keep your kids out of it.

I also think that if the OP's mom is still this viscerally angry after 15 years, she has not processed or dealt with her anger and grief in an effective way. Yes, she needs to move on. It's been 15 years. It's not healthy to dwell this much after 15 years.

+1 to this. OP's mother was justifiably hurt by what her father did. And it no doubt stings that her father and his second wife appear happy and well-off, while she was made poorer and sadder. But she should not be dumping her hurt onto her kids, repeatedly, for 15 years. She doesn't have to hide it from them and pretend like she doesn't care at all, but if she feels the need to constantly vent about how much she hates this other woman, get a therapist. You don't put your kids in the middle of your divorce, period. Unless the other person is abusive or neglectful, kids have the right to have a relationship with both parents and with any stepparents. They might decide that they don't want to, but that should be their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.

Oh, she's a slut, she's materialistic, she's a workaholic, she's a terrible mother, she's bad with money....I don't know where she gets her information but she sure has a lot of ammunition.

-OP

That's what I was wondering, where she get's this info. OP tell her you don't want to hear it, you know and heard it all before. Explain to her a big part of being happy is moving on. It does sound a bit much especially if she is happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What the heck. How could he get his marriage annulled after that many years? I don't see except for that graduation or a wedding why she would ever have to see them. No offense OP but saying it happened 15 years ago doesn't erase it. It's like a death, or something tragic; it may never go away.

OP what kind of trash can she talk about if they don't see each other? I agree mom should move on, she can also refuse to attend anything your dad and ow is going to be at. She has that option.

Oh, she's a slut, she's materialistic, she's a workaholic, she's a terrible mother, she's bad with money....I don't know where she gets her information but she sure has a lot of ammunition.

-OP

Probably from FB like everyone else, ha ha. I had a friend that got divorced because of FB.

[Anonymous]

OP's mother should have kept that stuff to herself or told her gf's. I wouldn't have trashed her, BUT I also wouldn't attend any gathering's where they both would be. Those choices go both ways imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

If you are choosing sides, it shouldn't be with the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!




He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

When you cheat on the spouse you equally cheat on the kids, hence family. Yes he is a pos, and while it's up to OP I would stand by her mom. Forget the dad, it was long over apparently.

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!




He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

When you cheat on the spouse you equally cheat on the kids, hence family. Yes he is a pos, and while it's up to OP I would stand by her mom. Forget the dad, it was long over apparently.

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!

He's a piece of shit.

If you are choosing sides, it shouldn't be with the cheater.

Like other PPs have said, it's not my burden to bear. I was/am blameless in the situation. I love my mother and I love my father. I shouldn't be forced to choose sides. You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly, my dad behaved really badly - affair for multiple years, brought my then-toddler brother to trysts, and had his marriage to my mom annulled so he could marry OW (now his wife/ our stepmom in the Catholic Church). Obviously our home life was dramatically affected when the truth emerged - I was in my mid-teens and my brother was in elementary.

The thing is, at any opportunity my mom will launch into a tirade about this woman. I'm less affected because I left home a couple of years after they split, but my brother dealt with a decade plus of shared custody etc - so I think my mom's narrative affects him more. Once again, I totally understand my mom's anger, but it's exhausting to hear her tear into this woman so often. Frankly, I think it reflects badly on her at this point - this all happened fifteen years ago.

How can I change the subject when she starts up? Is there any way I can gently suggest finding an outlet for her feelings, or indicate that these tirades make me (and my brother) feel uncomfortable?

What a bad daughter! Your mom gets screwed over by your dad, and she should just get over it?

You SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER!


He's a piece of shit.

Really? The children should not have a relationship with their own father because he hurt their mother? Who does that help, exactly?

When you cheat on the spouse you equally cheat on the kids, hence family. Yes he is a pos, and while it's up to OP I would stand by her mom. Forget the dad, it was long over apparently.

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP is not seeking to limit her mother's pain. She is trying not to be the listening post for her diatribes. See the difference? She is not telling her mother how to feel. Her mother can continue to rage and feel angry and sad however long she wants. But OP can decide what OP wants to listen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

As you get older in life, I think you'll find that descriptions of past behaviors and choices will "stick."