Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever been cheated on by a husband? Let us know once it happens to you how your Mother should feel. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't.

Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is.

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.

lol still the other woman.

You sound extremely childish.

and you sound defensive...

First post in this tread so no. Just struck by your immaturity.

I wasn't the PP, but you do sound defensive. Just because the OW gets married doesn't change the OW behavior.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she needs to hear you say she didn't deserve what he did to her, before she can put it behind her. At least when talking to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever been cheated on by a husband? Let us know once it happens to you how your Mother should feel. Seriously.

NP. I have been cheated on, and subsequently left for the other woman. It was awful, however I have not felt the need to burden my children with my grief.

My children need adult role models. Obviously, I would have preferred to show them a healthy relationship dynamic, but i couldn't control that, so I choose to model grace, maturity, and appropriate boundaries.

OP, you sound very well-adjusted. You probably had to learn that on your own, because it sounds like neither of your parents did a good job parenting. I really respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to hear you say she didn't deserve what he did to her, before she can put it behind her. At least when talking to you.

OP here. I'm surprised at how many people on this thread seem to think I'm somehow responsible for my mother's well-being: how I should be there for her emotionally, how I should make it clear I'm on her "side," how I should let her vent and bitch ad nauseum. I started this thread because I'm tired of this exact behavior of hers. Her emotional well-being is not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be.

I haven't gotten into the specifics of my mother's personality, but she is a narcissist and was abusive to me growing up. We are not particularly close. Yet she has a need to tear into dad's wife every time we get together. FWIW I had zero emotional support or even forthright conversations about what was going on when the information about the affair came out. My dad left and my mother feel apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever been cheated on by a husband? Let us know once it happens to you how your Mother should feel. Seriously.

NP. I have been cheated on, and subsequently left for the other woman. It was awful, however I have not felt the need to burden my children with my grief.

My children need adult role models. Obviously, I would have preferred to show them a healthy relationship dynamic, but i couldn't control that, so I choose to model grace, maturity, and appropriate boundaries.

OP, you sound very well-adjusted. You probably had to learn that on your own, because it sounds like neither of your parents did a good job parenting. I really respect that.

Thank you.

I'm just shocked at the number of rude people on this thread - I was the child in this situation and was given way more emotional responsibility than I was ready for. I really appreciate your even response. So sorry to hear about the infidelity in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever been cheated on by a husband? Let us know once it happens to you how your Mother should feel. Seriously.

Why on earth are you being so rude to me? Because I don't want to hear my mother vent angry crap for the rest of my life? Seriously??

[Anonymous]

OP the more you post, the more you sound in awe of your stepmother's success. You tolerate your mother's pain. However, I think your mom sense a sense of abandonment from you and acceptance and support for the other woman/stepmom. Maybe she trashes the other woman to remind you that stepmom is not as you great as you make her out to be.

Does she ever trash her ex-husband? He is the one that broke the vows and left her fiancially and emotionally insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

NP here, but OP, what's odd about this is that it seems that your Mom is trashtalking the OW/stepmom, not your Dad. I could see how the latter would be very painful and awkward. But what do you care about the OW? It's not like she raised you since age 6 - she entered your life when you were practically an adult. Admittedly, I have never dealt with this situation (but on the other hand, I have never been cheated on or had family members cheated on either to my knowledge, so I don't have a dog in the race). But if I was in this situation, I imagine I would tend to dislike the OW as well: why would I care if someone was trashing the person who broke up my family - hell I might agree? And to call it "emotional incest" seems bizarrely overwrought. I wonder if it is clear to your Mom that you "side" with the OW, or at least are attracted to her relative success and the fact that she "won" your Dad, and that is why she is constantly in a way "testing your loyalty" with the tirades.

I assume you consider that appropriate, mature parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the more you post, the more you sound in awe of your stepmother's success. You tolerate your mother's pain. However, I think your mom sense a sense of abandonment from you and acceptance and support for the other woman/stepmom. Maybe she trashes the other woman to remind you that stepmom is not as you great as you make her out to be.

Does she ever trash her ex-husband? He is the one that broke the vows and left her fiancially and emotionally insecure.

I don't know what you're reading. I mentioned in one post that my stepmom makes more than my mother does. Can a child even abandon their parent?

You seem delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to hear you say she didn't deserve what he did to her, before she can put it behind her. At least when talking to you.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to hear you say she didn't deserve what he did to her, before she can put it behind her. At least when talking to you.

OP here. I'm surprised at how many people on this thread seem to think I'm somehow responsible for my mother's well-being: how I should be there for her emotionally, how I should make it clear I'm on her "side," how I should let her vent and bitch ad nauseum. I started this thread because I'm tired of this exact behavior of hers. Her emotional well-being is not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be.

I haven't gotten into the specifics of my mother's personality, but she is a narcissist and was abusive to me growing up. We are not particularly close. Yet she has a need to tear into dad's wife every time we get together. FWIW I had zero emotional support or even forthright conversations about what was going on when the information about the affair came out. My dad left and my mother feel apart.

OP, I'm a PP who suggested telling your mom that her behavior is stressing you out and not to let the OW continue to have so much power. It seems from your further posts that there is way more going on than relentlessly complaining about the OW. You also sound very hurt and angry, probably justifiably if your mom was/is an abusive narcissist. I still think my prior advice stands, but if I was you I would switch gears and focus on healing yourself. You can't control your mom, dad, or the OW, but you can control how you handle them. This takes A LOT of work, most beneficially in therapy, but it's really worth it. So, like I said your mom shouldn't give the OW power, you should give your mom power. Unfortunately, I have personal experience dealing with this kind of thing and it's hard. Your posts almost seem to shout out with anger and pain - it really makes me feel for you. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

NP here, but OP, what's odd about this is that it seems that your Mom is trashtalking the OW/stepmom, not your Dad. I could see how the latter would be very painful and awkward. But what do you care about the OW? It's not like she raised you since age 6 - she entered your life when you were practically an adult. Admittedly, I have never dealt with this situation (but on the other hand, I have never been cheated on or had family members cheated on either to my knowledge, so I don't have a dog in the race). But if I was in this situation, I imagine I would tend to dislike the OW as well: why would I care if someone was trashing the person who broke up my family - hell I might agree? And to call it "emotional incest" seems bizarrely overwrought. I wonder if it is clear to your Mom that you "side" with the OW, or at least are attracted to her relative success and the fact that she "won" your Dad, and that is why she is constantly in a way "testing your loyalty" with the tirades.

I assume you consider that appropriate, mature parenting?

Of course it is not "mature parenting" - far from it - but I doubt any of us are 100% mature. But that observation is sort of beside the point - the PP was noting what seemed to be OP's odd lack of empathy for her mother, and empathy doesn't just go to those who are 100% mature. The theory was that OP's wanted to in some way be allied with her more stable, successful father/stepmom and resisted identifying with a victim, particularly one that was not recovering "properly." It may instead be tied (at least in part) to the suggestion in OP's later posts that she thinks her Mom is narcissistic and abusive (!), in which case OP, hello, that is your problem, not some minor league trashtalking about a woman, who *at best* has some very questionable actions in her past. It seems sort of late in the postings though to be raising allegations of abuse, not sure what to make of that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. BTW, you don't get to put a limit on someone else's pain. Not only was she screwed over by her husband. Her kids are pretty unfeeling, too.

OP here. I'm not unfeeling. You are, but I'm not. I don't seek to put a limit on my mother's pain, but here personal and vicious attacks on stepmom feel a lot like emotional incest - more so when I was *still in high school.*

NP here, but OP, what's odd about this is that it seems that your Mom is trashtalking the OW/stepmom, not your Dad. I could see how the latter would be very painful and awkward. But what do you care about the OW? It's not like she raised you since age 6 - she entered your life when you were practically an adult. Admittedly, I have never dealt with this situation (but on the other hand, I have never been cheated on or had family members cheated on either to my knowledge, so I don't have a dog in the race). But if I was in this situation, I imagine I would tend to dislike the OW as well: why would I care if someone was trashing the person who broke up my family - hell I might agree? And to call it "emotional incest" seems bizarrely overwrought. I wonder if it is clear to your Mom that you "side" with the OW, or at least are attracted to her relative success and the fact that she "won" your Dad, and that is why she is constantly in a way "testing your loyalty" with the tirades.

I assume you consider that appropriate, mature parenting?

Of course it is not "mature parenting" - far from it - but I doubt any of us are 100% mature. But that observation is sort of beside the point - the PP was noting what seemed to be OP's odd lack of empathy for her mother, and empathy doesn't just go to those who are 100% mature. The theory was that OP's wanted to in some way be allied with her more stable, successful father/stepmom and resisted identifying with a victim, particularly one that was not recovering "properly." It may instead be tied (at least in part) to the suggestion in OP's later posts that she thinks her Mom is narcissistic and abusive (!), in which case OP, hello, [b]that is your problem, not some minor league trashtalking about a woman, who *at best* has some very questionable actions in her past. It seems sort of late in the postings though to be raising allegations of abuse, not sure what to make of that??

nThatnis what people frequently do here when they aren't getting the responses they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to hear you say she didn't deserve what he did to her, before she can put it behind her. At least when talking to you.

OP here. I'm surprised at how many people on this thread seem to think I'm somehow responsible for my mother's well-being: how I should be there for her emotionally, how I should make it clear I'm on her "side," how I should let her vent and bitch ad nauseum. I started this thread because I'm tired of this exact behavior of hers. Her emotional well-being is not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be.

I haven't gotten into the specifics of my mother's personality, but she is a narcissist and was abusive to me growing up. We are not particularly close. Yet she has a need to tear into dad's wife every time we get together. FWIW I had zero emotional support or even forthright conversations about what was going on when the information about the affair came out. My dad left and my mother feel apart.

Well, it's interesting that you have a narcissistic and abusive mom, but the thing that you feel comfortable being angry with her about is her negative obsession with the former AP/stepmom. If she has a personality disorder, maybe she's latch on to the issue of dad's unfaithfulness/stepmom because it's one where she was objectively wronged (getting an annulment from a spouse with whom you had children is cold). And maybe it bothers you, because it's too uncomfortable/discordant for you to actually acknowledge the abuse you suffered, instead it feels safer to displace your anger on this, admittedly annoying, side issue.