Sister absolutely despises me

[Anonymous]

To echo a pp, leave her alone.

Don't "force yourself upon her" (For god's sake!!!)

Be glad she is not troubling you with her financial problems.

Don't force her to see you and then complain about how she behaves.

Leave her alone.

You do seem crazy.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I read most of this thread and some of the other threads people linked to.

The bottom line to me is: you are much more invested into your sister and your relationship than she is. She just does not care about you (or the rest of your family) as much as you do.

You also seem kinda of opposites: she is beautiful but superficial and lacking ambition; you are more thoughtful, serious (your posts are very well written and interesting) but not very attractive. That creates its on unhealthy dynamic.

I disagree with those who think your comments were truly controlling etc. if your relationship were better balanced she would never remember those, she would not (and could not) cut you off and lash out on you so easily.

But it's like you are the pursuer and she is pursued and she also pursued by men and other people, while you are not. That makes you isolated and overly focused on your sister. You can't make her love you back. You need to focus on the rest of your life. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update:

It has now been almost a year since we have spoken. I have seen her probably 3 times all year and because I basically forced myself on her. I have no idea what she is up to and how she is. I know she has financial problems but she refuses to tell me or recieve my assistance. Instead she is relying on her friends and boyfriend to pay her bills. Every time I meet her she heaps on piles of abuse. She tells me that I am batshit crazy and that I have driven her into insanity too. She at the same time wants me to meet her boyfriends family. This makes no sense to me. She cannot abuse me and then bring me around her boyfriend's family as a show pony. Worst part, no one in our family knows about him and his family. They also think I am crazy.

You are abusive and nuts. Don't be surprised if the next step is your sister getting a restraining order against you.

How am I abusive?

Oh, FFS. Let me quote what another PP told you several months ago:

In real life, I know plenty of middle eastern harpy women just like OP describes herself. Basically, because they spend a lifetime have men control, belittle and judge their choices, the only one they can in turn do it to, are women like their daughters, sisters, aunts, cousins. It's really sad.

To the OP, I would say - every time your sister says you are wrong, say to yourself over and over "I am wrong. I am being critical in an attempt to control another person because I feel so unable to control my own life" Who knows - maybe after the 100th time you will develop some self awareness.

Basically OP - you are wrong and your sister is right. You are hypercritical, judgmental, lack self awareness and have almost no ability to be an independent adult. Your parents are controlling your life and you can't make choices and decisions without them. You are angry at your sister because she becoming an actual adult and you are just waiting around for another adult male to step in and control your life so you don't need to do it for yourself.

Some people in life are self-starters and go-getters. That's your sister. You are neither.

Also, your mom no doubt treats you the same way you treat your sister. Being your mom's punching bag for criticism and her own sucky life, doesn't mean she loves you more or better.

oh, please, lets not make some kind of feminist of OP's sister. OP's sister is in fact looking at the man to provide for her and is unclear whether she will even finish school. at least OP is working and being financially responsible. all OP's sister cares about is her looks, jewelry, kardashians etc (read other threads).

the only difference here in independence is that OP's sister focused shifter to her emerging NEW family (i.e. her boyfriend), while OP is still lives in her OLD family (including her now estranged sister).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've spent years questioning and judging what she does. You have to expect it could take a long time for her to let you in again.

New poster here. That is a bit harsh.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone for their (mostly thoughtful) responses. Some of the accusations hurled at me have been as vile as the narrative my sister throws on me. My sister has resented my presence in her life since the day we moved in together. We were fundamentally different people who were at first temporarily thrust together so that we can accomplish our larger family goals. I don't think she has necessarily been more "independent" as some posters suggest. She just now thinks her family, culture and values she grew up with are "crazy." She deeply resents me for being the one remaining symbol of her life and family before this boy. As someone who always bemoaned her connection to our family, she sure has surprisingly gone out of her way to endear herself to her boyfriends friends and family. I have never seen a more eager and enthusiastic participant in the delicate dance of integrating into her boyfriends family and social circle.

For those accusing me of "abusing" my sister and saying she needs a restraining order against me, shame on you!

The only reason I have repeatedly tried to get in touch with her is because she is my sister. She has no family here except for me. She does not have a full time job. She has no money and her immigration status is a mess. Despite all of this, she has started an active campaign to cut me out of her life and push me away because I hesitated to accept her wonderful new rich white boyfriend. I did not sleep with her husband, I did not run over her puppy with my car, I keep forgiving her nasty behavior towards me so she doesn't feel alone due to her self imposed isolation and do something worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone for their (mostly thoughtful) responses. Some of the accusations hurled at me have been as vile as the narrative my sister throws on me. My sister has resented my presence in her life since the day we moved in together. We were fundamentally different people who were at first temporarily thrust together so that we can accomplish our larger family goals. I don't think she has necessarily been more "independent" as some posters suggest. She just now thinks her family, culture and values she grew up with are "crazy." She deeply resents me for being the one remaining symbol of her life and family before this boy. As someone who always bemoaned her connection to our family, she sure has surprisingly gone out of her way to endear herself to her boyfriends friends and family. I have never seen a more eager and enthusiastic participant in the delicate dance of integrating into her boyfriends family and social circle.

For those accusing me of "abusing" my sister and saying she needs a restraining order against me, shame on you!

The only reason I have repeatedly tried to get in touch with her is because she is my sister. She has no family here except for me. She does not have a full time job. She has no money and her immigration status is a mess. Despite all of this, she has started an active campaign to cut me out of her life and push me away because I hesitated to accept her wonderful new rich white boyfriend. I did not sleep with her husband, I did not run over her puppy with my car, I keep forgiving her nasty behavior towards me so she doesn't feel alone due to her self imposed isolation and do something worse.

OP she is not alone. Snake if her boyfriend breaks up with her she would be in a bad situation...

[Anonymous]

So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want you OP.

Period.

Maybe that will change, maybe not. Maybe you play a part in that, maybe you don't. Maybe she's making a huge mistake, maybe not.

Doesn't matter. She doesn't want you.

Cut it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

Good for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

I'm tired of ridiculous accusations. You do not know me or my life and I do not need to explain to you my personal life situation. Being cut off vivaciously by a little sister in precarious circumstances is reeling and painful and soul crushing. As such I have attempted to get outsider perspectives on our situation here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.