Sister absolutely despises me

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister is not a child. i find it strange that you refer to her boyfriend as "boy".

i am an immigrant myself and i came to the US with my husband. we were both 24 at the time (we are in our forties now). we had no financial help of any kind from anyone. it looks like your sister would get support from her boyfriend's family if she needed it. this of course assumes that he doesn't get bored with her and actually marries her. knowing what i know about your sister (which is away too much, but it is fascinating ) he could actually dump her in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

OP, you remind me of my sister questioning every single decision I made. I never questioned his disastrous decision to date a married guy because our mother was the one who were supposed to do that, not me. Last week, while I was visiting the city she still lives in, my husband asked her to leave immediately after he heard us arguing. I was talking normally and all of a sudden she started making faces and critized every single thing I was doing.

[Anonymous]

OP,

LEAVE.

HER.

ALONE.

Good lord, stop with this "put me through" BS as you're the one pestering her for contact when it sounds like she clearly does not want you in her life.

Leave her alone, 100%, forever. Not for a day, a week, a month, even a year. Let her be. Let her go. Live your own life.

[Anonymous]

overbearing. Don't be overbearing, Op. Your sister is entitled to live her own life.

[Anonymous]

The response would be, "I'm so happy for you, dear sister. Congratulations on your marriage." And then go off and live your own life.

I have an older brother who is 7 years old than me. Sometimes he had expectations of me that felt like demands and pressure. I couldn't always appreciate him because I was younger! I hadn't yet had enough life skills or experience to have perspective, and he failed to appreciate how his expectations were sometimes just too much for me, although they may have been appropriate of someone his own age.

Your sister is developing into an adult at her own pace. She's younger than you. Lighten up and stop telling her what she should do or be like. Live your own life and make the best of it. One day, your sister will likely be more interested in her family of origin again, but right now, she's trying to be her own person. Let her be. You don't have to return her anger. Just drop the expecations for now.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

no, i read all the other threads. OP's sins were minor and definitively not worthy of cutting her off. she is cutting her off because she can - her life is centered around her boyfriend and other friends. she likely was never as attached to OP as OP was to her and now that she doesn't need her it's easy to cut her off for what are minor transgressions.

i say this as a younger sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

no, i read all the other threads. OP's sins were minor and definitively not worthy of cutting her off. she is cutting her off because she can - her life is centered around her boyfriend and other friends. she likely was never as attached to OP as OP was to her and now that she doesn't need her it's easy to cut her off for what are minor transgressions.

i say this as a younger sister.

Op comes at her sister with weird demands. What grown person has their car insurance and cell phone tied up with their grown sibling's car insurance and cell phone? Since Op is the one complaining about this set up ending I am going to guess that Op was seeing some sort of benefit to this situation that the sister wasn't. It was an odd entanglement and the sister simply put an end to it.

Don't get me wrong, if Op and her sister had actually agreed to this together that would be one thing. But it sounds like something that the parents started when the sisters were younger (college age maybe?) and the Op wanted to see it continued into independent adulthood. Sister didn't want that and that should be good enough,

It's this sort of thing that gives me the impression that Op wants to call the shots and is not happy when her sister doesn't jump. Op's sister is sick of the manipulation and being TOLD rather then asked. I can't blame her for distancing herself.

[Anonymous]

Leave. Her. Alone. OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

no, i read all the other threads. OP's sins were minor and definitively not worthy of cutting her off. she is cutting her off because she can - her life is centered around her boyfriend and other friends. she likely was never as attached to OP as OP was to her and now that she doesn't need her it's easy to cut her off for what are minor transgressions.

i say this as a younger sister.

Op comes at her sister with weird demands. What grown person has their car insurance and cell phone tied up with their grown sibling's car insurance and cell phone? Since Op is the one complaining about this set up ending I am going to guess that Op was seeing some sort of benefit to this situation that the sister wasn't. It was an odd entanglement and the sister simply put an end to it.

Don't get me wrong, if Op and her sister had actually agreed to this together that would be one thing. But it sounds like something that the parents started when the sisters were younger (college age maybe?) and the Op wanted to see it continued into independent adulthood. Sister didn't want that and that should be good enough,

It's this sort of thing that gives me the impression that Op wants to call the shots and is not happy when her sister doesn't jump. Op's sister is sick of the manipulation and being TOLD rather then asked. I can't blame her for distancing herself.

Here is the thing: it seems that the parents have invested a disproportionate amount of money into OPs sister under condition that they will basically repay it through financing education of their siblings, sponsoring their green cards etc. I absolutely do get that one wants independence and can change mind after agreeing to a deal. But she should kind of repay the money to her family (and of course not take any more, that goes without saying).

[Anonymous]

But that's not on OP. That is on the parents to deal with, or not, as they and not anyone else, sees fit. OP should not be foisted into the role of surrogate parent, which partly what I think has happened. Little sister is rebelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But that's not on OP. That is on the parents to deal with, or not, as they and not anyone else, sees fit. OP should not be foisted into the role of surrogate parent, which partly what I think has happened. Little sister is rebelling.

I think that role for OP was a part of the packsage. in any case I agree completely that OP needs to let go of her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

no, i read all the other threads. OP's sins were minor and definitively not worthy of cutting her off. she is cutting her off because she can - her life is centered around her boyfriend and other friends. she likely was never as attached to OP as OP was to her and now that she doesn't need her it's easy to cut her off for what are minor transgressions.

i say this as a younger sister.

Op comes at her sister with weird demands. What grown person has their car insurance and cell phone tied up with their grown sibling's car insurance and cell phone? Since Op is the one complaining about this set up ending I am going to guess that Op was seeing some sort of benefit to this situation that the sister wasn't. It was an odd entanglement and the sister simply put an end to it.

Don't get me wrong, if Op and her sister had actually agreed to this together that would be one thing. But it sounds like something that the parents started when the sisters were younger (college age maybe?) and the Op wanted to see it continued into independent adulthood. Sister didn't want that and that should be good enough,

It's this sort of thing that gives me the impression that Op wants to call the shots and is not happy when her sister doesn't jump. Op's sister is sick of the manipulation and being TOLD rather then asked. I can't blame her for distancing herself.

Here is the thing: it seems that the parents have invested a disproportionate amount of money into OPs sister under condition that they will basically repay it through financing education of their siblings, sponsoring their green cards etc. I absolutely do get that one wants independence and can change mind after agreeing to a deal. But she should kind of repay the money to her family (and of course not take any more, that goes without saying).

The parents put a great deal of money into Op's sister under the condition that once she began working she would finance the education of her younger(?) siblings?

I somehow missed this detail. But, yes, IF Op's sister accepted a large chunk of financial assistance from her parents under the condition that she would pay that money back by helping out her siblings....then she should honor her agreement and help out her siblings.

But Op (who is the older sister) is talking about being miffed about her sister taking herself off a joint cell phone plan and car insurance policy. So it sounds like Op basically feels as though she has the right to control how sister spends her paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But that's not on OP. That is on the parents to deal with, or not, as they and not anyone else, sees fit. OP should not be foisted into the role of surrogate parent, which partly what I think has happened. Little sister is rebelling.

I think that role for OP was a part of the packsage. in any case I agree completely that OP needs to let go of her sister.

PP, and I agree. Unfortunately, it's gone too far now as it's damaged OP and her sister's sibling relationship. OP needs to let go and let their parents deal with the sister's issues now (or not), and she needs to just focus on her own life. I think eventually the sister will miss her family and come around, but it may be a long wait.