Sister absolutely despises me

[Anonymous]

I don't remember, op, but how old are you both? How old were you when you came to the states? Do I remember correctly that your parents are in your home country? Are you fulfilling a "mother" role in her life, either conciously or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you think this is not about the boyfriend, but it's entirely about the boyfriend. Why did she order a salad? Is it because of the boyfriend? Why did she take up running? Is it because of the boyfriend? Why won't she talk to me? Is it because of the boyfriend? You say you're not asking about the boyfriend, but you are.

The salad incident and the running incident, if I recall correctly were 2 years apart and 2 years before the BF.

Normal, supportive, loving sisters would ask "How's running going?" "How's your salad?"

By asking "why" you are making it a loaded, judgmental question. OP, you have posted many questions about your sister in the past few weeks. You need to leave her alone, and get your own life. I know people from the Middle East can often be busybodies when it comes to family members (I'm not Middle Eastern but do come from a Muslim family, so I've had a lot of experience with this). This is a cultural thing you're going to have to get over, if you ever want a relationship with your sister in the future.

Start living your own life, and stop being so obsessed with your sister's. Stop questioning her. And definitely don't just show up - respecting your sister means respecting her space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may think it's an innocent question, but younger siblings can be super-sensitive to implied disapproval. When you ask questions about her choices, it feels like you are questioning her judgment.

I have a younger sister like this. She is toxic. You have to walk on eggshells around her. She is hyper-sensitive about anything you say to her. If you ask about her life, you are a prying judgmental bitch. If you don't ask, you are a callous, indifferent bitch. I can't win, and I've stopped trying. Every single thing that comes out of her mouth is with an edgy, bitter tone and her world stops at the end of her own nose. We keep in minimal touch by FB and text and it's better that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

+1

The other posts by OP give a lot of important context. I'd add: obsessive, controlling, and probably a bit jealous and a lot bored of her own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

100X this!!!

[Anonymous]

It does sound like you are controlling, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

How have I ever controlled her life?

[Anonymous]

OP, from your posts it seems you're 100% innocent and it's only your sister who has the problems. She's clearly been bottling up her annoyance at your micro-managing her life for YEARS. You have just been missing (or ignoring) the signs. And now it's all come out at once.

I think you'd do yourself, and your sister, right if you spent some time thinking about YOUR actions towards your sister. You seem to think they were all done out of love, but it's pretty clear you don't love or respect your sister much. You are mostly consumed with the things she's doing wrong. When was the last time you told her something kind?

[Anonymous]

Some previous posts by OP:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/540633.page

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/550091.page

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/545005.page

There are a couple others I'm missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

+1

The other posts by OP give a lot of important context. I'd add: obsessive, controlling, and probably a bit jealous and a lot bored of her own life.

This is OP. Lay it on me. Why do you think that? I'm very lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

+1

The other posts by OP give a lot of important context. I'd add: obsessive, controlling, and probably a bit jealous and a lot bored of her own life.

This is OP. Lay it on me. Why do you think that? I'm very lost.

People have repeatedly explained to you why in this post, and in your many other obsessive posts. If the message still isn't getting through to you that you're very much in the wrong, you need a professional to help your understand. Your denial is incredibly strong.

[Anonymous]

She feels judgment even if you don't say directly that you're judging. I am the younger sister and feel that from my older brother. It takes maturity to not read into things people say.

It's hard but give her time and space. In the future when she tells you things just respond with things like "Oh, that's great!" It's not your place to judge what someone should order at a restaurant - if it's on the menu they can order it. And when you ask why she feels judgment.