Sister absolutely despises me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

+1

The other posts by OP give a lot of important context. I'd add: obsessive, controlling, and probably a bit jealous and a lot bored of her own life.

This is OP. Lay it on me. Why do you think that? I'm very lost.

People have repeatedly explained to you why in this post, and in your many other obsessive posts. If the message still isn't getting through to you that you're very much in the wrong, you need a professional to help your understand. Your denial is incredibly strong.

OP has to be a troll. No one is this dense. Or, she has a personality disorder, which is also a strong possibility based on all her previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

How have I ever controlled her life?

It doesn't matter HOW. It matters that she feels that way. Your response to all of this is that her feelings aren't valid. You will get no where with that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ There is no reason for you to rudely question an adult's foo or exercise choices. You support her, ask how it's going, and be encouraging. You don't question her choices and make her feel ashamed. Good grief you sound miserable.

I don't live this way. What's the point? From what OP described, her comments sounded perfectly benign. I haven't read the other threads mentioned.

OP, stop feeding into the drama. This won't last forever. Sounds like your sister is an adolescent, or a very young adult. Don't waste time agonizing over a rift or sending her letters saying you will be there for her or any other dramatic nonsense. Just go about your business and leave your sister alone for now. Things will change. Relax.

They give a lot of insight into what OP is like: miserable, horrible, judgemental human being. Seriously.

+1

The other posts by OP give a lot of important context. I'd add: obsessive, controlling, and probably a bit jealous and a lot bored of her own life.

This is OP. Lay it on me. Why do you think that? I'm very lost.

People have repeatedly explained to you why in this post, and in your many other obsessive posts. If the message still isn't getting through to you that you're very much in the wrong, you need a professional to help your understand. Your denial is incredibly strong.

OP has to be a troll. No one is this dense. Or, she has a personality disorder, which is also a strong possibility based on all her previous posts.

Could be a troll. Could also be someone much like my older brother. Who has been diagnosed bipolar, although to me appears more BPD. Unfortunately there are some people who are just that dense or disordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who has written in the past about having a younger muslim sister who is secretly dating a white guy without my family knowing or approving. Since the discovery, I have told her that I do not necessarily support her choices but I don't want to hinder her romance so I decided not to get involved in her love life and haven't been in touch with her for 4 months. I have reached out since to ask if she's okay and if she wants to get together but she has consistently ignored my calls and refused to meet or engage with me.She has blocked me from social media and so have her friends and her cutting me off has hurt me deeply. Last night, I went to visit her after 4 months of her not speaking to me. It was a nightmare. She started screaming, yelling and crying about how I am a terrible person and how she always felt stepped upon by me. She says she has been absolutely miserable in my company and how all she had been praying for was to get away from me and disengage herself from me. She wants nothing to do with me and will never forgive me for what I have done to her. I was flabbergasted and asked her what my crimes were and if my offense was not approving of her secret boyfriend.

She said it wasn't about the boyfriend but little stuff. How When we'd go to Chick fil a and she'd order a salad, I would ask, "why are you getting a salad?" I was so confused and told her it was because you go to Chick fil a to eat a burger and fries, not a salad and it was just a question. Another example she provided was of a few summers ago when she randomly started running and apparently I asked her, "why do you want to start running?" I responded by explaining that as someone who wasn't athletic, I was curious about why she had suddenly taken up running. Was it because of weight loss? Training for a marathon? Physical health?

She groaned and said I do not get her and I never get it and I obviously hate her so she hates me and never wants to see my face again. Our relationship is over and she never wants me in her life again.

I spent the night crying my eyes out due to her vicious character assassination. What can I even do?

p.s. We are Kuwaiti immigrants so the boy-issue has to do with our family not approving of it.

Actually, you go to Chick-Fil-A to eat whatever food from the menu you want. You have a lot of pretty black-and-white ideas about how people are supposed to act, and it sounds like you question your sister's choices constantly--about everything from food to boyfriends. And every time you tell yourself that "it's just a question" or "you're just curious." But being questioned about everything you do by someone that you know doesn't approve of you or respect your choices is awful. She doesn't want to talk to you, and you just go over to her house anyway. Your posts ooze with you dislike of your sister. You've pretty much never written one nice thing about her. You obviously want to be the "good sister" and the innocent victim in all this, and nothing that anyone says seems to make a dent in that, but, while I'm sure that your sister is far from perfect, you might consider that if she's defensive and angry it's at least in part because you are constantly needling her.

[Anonymous]

Good God OP just back away and give the girl space! Obviously four months is not enough. Whatever the reason for her animosity toward you now, you can't bully your way back into her life. Develop some interests of your own and leave her ALONE.

Jesus. This has to be a troll. No one is this persistently obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

Yes, don't try to control how she feels, OP. Just wait for her to mature. She sounds like an overgrown teenager, as do a lot of the PPs who claim you should say "How is your salad?" rather than "why did you order salad?" etc.Talk about controlling. If your sister and theres PPs can't handle a deviation from the script without getting hysterical then they have some growing up to do. Ridiculous criticisms IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there a chance that your sister is breaking away from the family in the way that you've always wanted to do but never have had the guts to do? She's dating a white guy, she's going running, she's doing other things that your parents might not approve of. Or is she rejecting your heritage and becoming American, which scares you?

This isn't your fight. Apologize. Back off. Wait for her to come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

Yes, don't try to control how she feels, OP. Just wait for her to mature. She sounds like an overgrown teenager, as do a lot of the PPs who claim you should say "How is your salad?" rather than "why did you order salad?" etc.Talk about controlling. If your sister and theres PPs can't handle a deviation from the script without getting hysterical then they have some growing up to do. Ridiculous criticisms IMO.

Please explain how asking "How is your salad?" is more controlling than "why did you get salad?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who has written in the past about having a younger muslim sister who is secretly dating a white guy without my family knowing or approving. Since the discovery, I have told her that I do not necessarily support her choices but I don't want to hinder her romance so I decided not to get involved in her love life and haven't been in touch with her for 4 months. I have reached out since to ask if she's okay and if she wants to get together but she has consistently ignored my calls and refused to meet or engage with me.She has blocked me from social media and so have her friends and her cutting me off has hurt me deeply. Last night, I went to visit her after 4 months of her not speaking to me. It was a nightmare. She started screaming, yelling and crying about how I am a terrible person and how she always felt stepped upon by me. She says she has been absolutely miserable in my company and how all she had been praying for was to get away from me and disengage herself from me. She wants nothing to do with me and will never forgive me for what I have done to her. I was flabbergasted and asked her what my crimes were and if my offense was not approving of her secret boyfriend.

She said it wasn't about the boyfriend but little stuff. How When we'd go to Chick fil a and she'd order a salad, I would ask, "why are you getting a salad?" I was so confused and told her it was because you go to Chick fil a to eat a burger and fries, not a salad and it was just a question. Another example she provided was of a few summers ago when she randomly started running and apparently I asked her, "why do you want to start running?" I responded by explaining that as someone who wasn't athletic, I was curious about why she had suddenly taken up running. Was it because of weight loss? Training for a marathon? Physical health?

She groaned and said I do not get her and I never get it and I obviously hate her so she hates me and never wants to see my face again. Our relationship is over and she never wants me in her life again.

I spent the night crying my eyes out due to her vicious character assassination. What can I even do?

p.s. We are Kuwaiti immigrants so the boy-issue has to do with our family not approving of it.

Actually, you go to Chick-Fil-A to eat whatever food from the menu you want. You have a lot of pretty black-and-white ideas about how people are supposed to act, and it sounds like you question your sister's choices constantly--about everything from food to boyfriends. And every time you tell yourself that "it's just a question" or "you're just curious." But being questioned about everything you do by someone that you know doesn't approve of you or respect your choices is awful. She doesn't want to talk to you, and you just go over to her house anyway. Your posts ooze with you dislike of your sister. You've pretty much never written one nice thing about her. You obviously want to be the "good sister" and the innocent victim in all this, and nothing that anyone says seems to make a dent in that, but, while I'm sure that your sister is far from perfect, you might consider that if she's defensive and angry it's at least in part because you are constantly needling her.

Actually you don't go to Chick-Fil-A for a burger OP. Sweet Jesus. You go for chicken nuggets. You've been criticizing your sister while you've been doing it all wrong yourself. So messed up. I'd cut you off too if you were my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who has written in the past about having a younger muslim sister who is secretly dating a white guy without my family knowing or approving. Since the discovery, I have told her that I do not necessarily support her choices but I don't want to hinder her romance so I decided not to get involved in her love life and haven't been in touch with her for 4 months. I have reached out since to ask if she's okay and if she wants to get together but she has consistently ignored my calls and refused to meet or engage with me.She has blocked me from social media and so have her friends and her cutting me off has hurt me deeply. Last night, I went to visit her after 4 months of her not speaking to me. It was a nightmare. She started screaming, yelling and crying about how I am a terrible person and how she always felt stepped upon by me. She says she has been absolutely miserable in my company and how all she had been praying for was to get away from me and disengage herself from me. She wants nothing to do with me and will never forgive me for what I have done to her. I was flabbergasted and asked her what my crimes were and if my offense was not approving of her secret boyfriend.

She said it wasn't about the boyfriend but little stuff. How When we'd go to Chick fil a and she'd order a salad, I would ask, "why are you getting a salad?" I was so confused and told her it was because you go to Chick fil a to eat a burger and fries, not a salad and it was just a question. Another example she provided was of a few summers ago when she randomly started running and apparently I asked her, "why do you want to start running?" I responded by explaining that as someone who wasn't athletic, I was curious about why she had suddenly taken up running. Was it because of weight loss? Training for a marathon? Physical health?

She groaned and said I do not get her and I never get it and I obviously hate her so she hates me and never wants to see my face again. Our relationship is over and she never wants me in her life again.

I spent the night crying my eyes out due to her vicious character assassination. What can I even do?

p.s. We are Kuwaiti immigrants so the boy-issue has to do with our family not approving of it.

Actually, you go to Chick-Fil-A to eat whatever food from the menu you want. You have a lot of pretty black-and-white ideas about how people are supposed to act, and it sounds like you question your sister's choices constantly--about everything from food to boyfriends. And every time you tell yourself that "it's just a question" or "you're just curious." But being questioned about everything you do by someone that you know doesn't approve of you or respect your choices is awful. She doesn't want to talk to you, and you just go over to her house anyway. Your posts ooze with you dislike of your sister. You've pretty much never written one nice thing about her. You obviously want to be the "good sister" and the innocent victim in all this, and nothing that anyone says seems to make a dent in that, but, while I'm sure that your sister is far from perfect, you might consider that if she's defensive and angry it's at least in part because you are constantly needling her.

This is the most insane accusation towards me ever. I have always held my sister in high esteem. I valued her as a close friend, a confidant and a sensible and stable ally. I shared my deepest darkest secrets with her, included her in every aspect of my life and when it came time for her to reciprocate, she did not. She has always held me at an arm's length. And has always been cold and icy to me. She recoils when I hug her or attempt to pat her arm.

When our parents left, I was so homesick, I'd cry in front of her and tell her so. She did not react in any noticeable way. However, I heard that during her trip to NYC a 2 months later, she got really drunk and started bawling about how she missed her family. She never told me this or expressed to me at any point that she was home sick or she missed mom and dad. I heard from her friend that she was very upset. This of course hurt my feelings because I had always been forthright with her about my feelings and I wanted to share her pain with me too. She just would not.


And honestly, lord knows, I'm obviously not perfect. Me and my sister have had so many exchanges over the years we lived together. I honestly would not remember any of our fights where she has said horrible things to me or how she always made me feel. I get over it in a week. She however, has been harboring resentment and anger towards me for 5 YEARS where she remembers minute perceived slights such as the Chick Fil A incident.

Also, What the even fuck? So what if I ask someone, "why did you start running?" or "why the salad?" One of my work friends is a healthy eater. If I saw her go to Shake shack for lunch, I WOULD be curious as to why. Its may be an awkward comment, but its not one worth harboring resentment for 5 years and attacking me verbally over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who has written in the past about having a younger muslim sister who is secretly dating a white guy without my family knowing or approving. Since the discovery, I have told her that I do not necessarily support her choices but I don't want to hinder her romance so I decided not to get involved in her love life and haven't been in touch with her for 4 months. I have reached out since to ask if she's okay and if she wants to get together but she has consistently ignored my calls and refused to meet or engage with me.She has blocked me from social media and so have her friends and her cutting me off has hurt me deeply. Last night, I went to visit her after 4 months of her not speaking to me. It was a nightmare. She started screaming, yelling and crying about how I am a terrible person and how she always felt stepped upon by me. She says she has been absolutely miserable in my company and how all she had been praying for was to get away from me and disengage herself from me. She wants nothing to do with me and will never forgive me for what I have done to her. I was flabbergasted and asked her what my crimes were and if my offense was not approving of her secret boyfriend.

She said it wasn't about the boyfriend but little stuff. How When we'd go to Chick fil a and she'd order a salad, I would ask, "why are you getting a salad?" I was so confused and told her it was because you go to Chick fil a to eat a burger and fries, not a salad and it was just a question. Another example she provided was of a few summers ago when she randomly started running and apparently I asked her, "why do you want to start running?" I responded by explaining that as someone who wasn't athletic, I was curious about why she had suddenly taken up running. Was it because of weight loss? Training for a marathon? Physical health?

She groaned and said I do not get her and I never get it and I obviously hate her so she hates me and never wants to see my face again. Our relationship is over and she never wants me in her life again.

I spent the night crying my eyes out due to her vicious character assassination. What can I even do?

p.s. We are Kuwaiti immigrants so the boy-issue has to do with our family not approving of it.

Actually, you go to Chick-Fil-A to eat whatever food from the menu you want. You have a lot of pretty black-and-white ideas about how people are supposed to act, and it sounds like you question your sister's choices constantly--about everything from food to boyfriends. And every time you tell yourself that "it's just a question" or "you're just curious." But being questioned about everything you do by someone that you know doesn't approve of you or respect your choices is awful. She doesn't want to talk to you, and you just go over to her house anyway. Your posts ooze with you dislike of your sister. You've pretty much never written one nice thing about her. You obviously want to be the "good sister" and the innocent victim in all this, and nothing that anyone says seems to make a dent in that, but, while I'm sure that your sister is far from perfect, you might consider that if she's defensive and angry it's at least in part because you are constantly needling her.

This is the most insane accusation towards me ever. I have always held my sister in high esteem. I valued her as a close friend, a confidant and a sensible and stable ally. I shared my deepest darkest secrets with her, included her in every aspect of my life and when it came time for her to reciprocate, she did not. She has always held me at an arm's length. And has always been cold and icy to me. She recoils when I hug her or attempt to pat her arm.

When our parents left, I was so homesick, I'd cry in front of her and tell her so. She did not react in any noticeable way. However, I heard that during her trip to NYC a 2 months later, she got really drunk and started bawling about how she missed her family. She never told me this or expressed to me at any point that she was home sick or she missed mom and dad. I heard from her friend that she was very upset. This of course hurt my feelings because I had always been forthright with her about my feelings and I wanted to share her pain with me too. She just would not.


And honestly, lord knows, I'm obviously not perfect. Me and my sister have had so many exchanges over the years we lived together. I honestly would not remember any of our fights where she has said horrible things to me or how she always made me feel. I get over it in a week. She however, has been harboring resentment and anger towards me for 5 YEARS where she remembers minute perceived slights such as the Chick Fil A incident.

Also, What the even fuck? So what if I ask someone, "why did you start running?" or "why the salad?" One of my work friends is a healthy eater. If I saw her go to Shake shack for lunch, I WOULD be curious as to why. Its may be an awkward comment, but its not one worth harboring resentment for 5 years and attacking me verbally over.

Okay. There is nothing we can do for you here. All your other threads and your reaction here mean you need a lot of help. Professional help. Go get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go with BPD, if OP is in fact not a troll. Classic splitting behavior.

[Anonymous]

"This of course hurt my feelings because I had always been forthright with her about my feelings and I wanted to share her pain with me too. She just would not."

Jesus christ OP, YOUR ARE NOT THE BOSS OF YOUR SISTER'S FEELINGS. She can share NOTHING with you if she wants to, and that is perfectly ok.

Holy shit you have unbelievable control, and probably narcissistic tendencies. I am astonished that you're this selfish. It's like you're completely lacking the ability to see anything from your sister's perspective, while wanting everything in return.

Stop making your poor sister your hobby. Get some interests and activities of your own. Leave her alone, and get your own life.

[Anonymous]

My dear OP, this is going to be a tough few years. Either:

1. You have been criticizing your sister for her entire life and she can't take it any more;
2. Or you have acted within the range of normal and your sister is going through a rebellious phase which includes dating a boyfriend her parents would not approve of AND rejecting her older sister whom she perceives as belonging to the same camp;
3. Or a little of both.

My guess is 3. It's a little bit your fault, a little bit hers, and more importantly, a clash of cultures.
The rebellion an American teen raised in the US would have experienced in middle or high school is starting to come out now, when your sister is slightly older, because she had to work through a lot more elder respect and cultural submission to authority - I'm just guessing, and I apologize if this is not the case.

So give her space, and like PPs said, maybe write a letter she can refer to in the future. Be very kind, but don't apologize for things if you feel you weren't at fault - just express deep regret that she felt criticized and belittled. Be even kinder than you feel she deserves. It never hurts. Note that she might take years to process and understand all of this, particularly if she's not very bright to begin with, and especially if her new boyfriend and friends are anti-Muslim and against your culture.

Good luck. Hang in there.
And stop criticizing people openly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your habit of commenting on every little decision she makes is so entrenched, you have no idea you are doing it. It would never occur to me to question an adult sibling's food order at a restaurant. I can absolutely understand why your comments would be seen as a criticism of her choices. I don't know you so I can't say if you sound as critical in person as you do right now, but if you do come off that way, I can understand why she needs a lot of space. Also, you are clearly not welcome in her home so don't think you can just show up at any time.

This is OP. Her accusations were pretty horrendous. She said I have caused her to lose weight, develop pimples and fail her exams and turn her into a crazy person. She has had enough and she doesn't give a damn about what I think anymore and she does not like me as a person.


You'd think I slept with her BF and killed a friend or some such.

I don't know...maybe I have been critical. I do not think my offences warrant the vitriol she is throwing at me.

You don't get to decide how she feels as a result of how you treat her. Her feelings are her own. You also don't get to decide if she is overreacting. You don't know her life better than she does. If you want to repair the relationship at any point, the first thing you have to do is accept how she feels, and not try to get her to change her mind. That's the whole problem in the first place, your control and judgement of her life.

Yes, don't try to control how she feels, OP. Just wait for her to mature. She sounds like an overgrown teenager, as do a lot of the PPs who claim you should say "How is your salad?" rather than "why did you order salad?" etc.Talk about controlling. If your sister and theres PPs can't handle a deviation from the script without getting hysterical then they have some growing up to do. Ridiculous criticisms IMO.

Please explain how asking "How is your salad?" is more controlling than "why did you get salad?"

I'm saying that the PPs who say OP should only ask "How is your salad?" rather than "Why did you get salad?" are controlling micro managers. You don't get to dictate OP's thinking style. If someone asked me why I got a salad, I would not consider that a declaration that I have no right to choose salad. I would certainly not cut off family for stupid reasons like "You asked me why I ordered salad at Chic Fil A." The sister is the one who is nbelievably controlling and dictatorial -- of OP.