My son was molested on a school field trip. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

I don't agree with your analysis, but why are you assuming the toucher was not a "douchey arrogant jock-type?" that deserves the book thrown at him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, out of curiousity, those who are advocating sweeping it under the rug, if the other kid took OP's son's wallet out of his pocket while he was sleeping, and stole A few hundred dollars out of it, or stole his iPhone, or if the other kid beat him gave him two black eyes while he was sleeping, would you still be saying not to do anything?

So all your talk about grey areas are doing NOTHING, other than perpetuating a culture that allows for sexual crimes to be culturally okay. Kid? Natural curiousity. Date? Well, they consented by being on a date. spouse? Well, he'll, they're married. Pedophiles? Well, maybe child misunderstood when adult was doing xyz.

What's sad is you'd probably be screaming to prosecute to any extent to the law if it was a beating, a theft. But, because sexual assault victims are supposed to doubt their own position in the crime, you point fingers the wrong way. A crime is still a crime.

You do realize that a boy was recently held down and raped by several teammates on a school trip to an away basketball game and no one noticed until he passed out the next day and had to be rushed into surgery for a ruptured bladder? Makes it kind of hard to feel the horror of what the OP described. It's akin to going to the movies and having the guy fake-yawn-and-stretch and end up with his arm over your shoulder in comparison. I would not compare it ot beating someone and giving them two black eyes while he is sleeping. Get a grip on yourself. If OP and her DS can't handle this incident without going off the rails, then thank God she has a son and not a daughter.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I don't think its an either or situation (it is an assault so call the police or it isn't so don't). The PP described an incident from her childhood, that most would agree is a sexual assault. I think she knew it was an assault. I have similar stories from my youth. But, sometimes the right response is to stand up, brush yourself off, call the offenders assholes, tell everyone you know what assholes the are and move on. For some of the PPs, doing something like that is sufficient for them to not feel victimized. They didn't harbor a secret or shame and suffered no lasting trauma. They are suggesting that bringing in law enforcement would have made them feel MORE, not less like a victim, and possibly caused them more trauma.

That may no be the right call in the OP's situation. But, here as in many cases, he OP's son has already called the offender out for his bad behavior. The question is what does he do now. I think only a therapist knowledgeable about the legal system can work that through with him.

[Anonymous]

All signs pointing to troll post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no grey area here. Sexual assault is sexual assault.

There IS gray area! THIS is one of them.

OP, this is such a private sensitive matter it doesn't belong on this board.

Uh, yeah. This is nothing BUT gray area.

Anyone who thinks being fondled outside clothing is remotely similar to being forcibly raped in a dark alley by knife point needs her head examined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, out of curiousity, those who are advocating sweeping it under the rug, if the other kid took OP's son's wallet out of his pocket while he was sleeping, and stole A few hundred dollars out of it, or stole his iPhone, or if the other kid beat him gave him two black eyes while he was sleeping, would you still be saying not to do anything?

So all your talk about grey areas are doing NOTHING, other than perpetuating a culture that allows for sexual crimes to be culturally okay. Kid? Natural curiousity. Date? Well, they consented by being on a date. spouse? Well, he'll, they're married. Pedophiles? Well, maybe child misunderstood when adult was doing xyz.

What's sad is you'd probably be screaming to prosecute to any extent to the law if it was a beating, a theft. But, because sexual assault victims are supposed to doubt their own position in the crime, you point fingers the wrong way. A crime is still a crime.

You do realize that a boy was recently held down and raped by several teammates on a school trip to an away basketball game and no one noticed until he passed out the next day and had to be rushed into surgery for a ruptured bladder? Makes it kind of hard to feel the horror of what the OP described. It's akin to going to the movies and having the guy fake-yawn-and-stretch and end up with his arm over your shoulder in comparison. I would not compare it ot beating someone and giving them two black eyes while he is sleeping. Get a grip on yourself. If OP and her DS can't handle this incident without going off the rails, then thank God she has a son and not a daughter.

This, a hundred times. C'mon people, let's keep perspective here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I don't think its an either or situation (it is an assault so call the police or it isn't so don't). The PP described an incident from her childhood, that most would agree is a sexual assault. I think she knew it was an assault. I have similar stories from my youth. But, sometimes the right response is to stand up, brush yourself off, call the offenders assholes, tell everyone you know what assholes the are and move on. For some of the PPs, doing something like that is sufficient for them to not feel victimized. They didn't harbor a secret or shame and suffered no lasting trauma. They are suggesting that bringing in law enforcement would have made them feel MORE, not less like a victim, and possibly caused them more trauma.

That may no be the right call in the OP's situation. But, here as in many cases, he OP's son has already called the offender out for his bad behavior. The question is what does he do now. I think only a therapist knowledgeable about the legal system can work that through with him.

+1

It's not a victory to have our legal system devote resources to investigating and punishing minor instances of fondling between sexually mature individuals when there are serious, life-altering, traumatic sexual crimes to investigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Prove it.

This is going to be a he said, he said situation. I'd get my child counseling, but leave it alone otherwise.

I would not involve police. That could spiral out of control quickly.

Sexual assault is usually A said, B said. Still good to make a report and get a case number. Why not?

Because it's making a mountain out of a molehill. And once it goes public, the blowback on the accuser can be intense. You can divide a whole high school.

Without any witnesses, it's just not provable.

A molehill? That's how you think of sexual assault?

I don't consider it sexual assault.

Would it be sexual assualt if it a female student was having her genitals rubbed while she was asleep?

NP here. This happened to me as a high schooler, exactly as it happened to OP's son. On a bus, over the clothes, while I was asleep. I'm female and it was a guy sitting next to me who did it. I woke up, pretended to still be asleep, and changed positions. While I was grossed out, I by NO MEANS considered this sexual "assault". Unwanted touching? Sure. But to say this guy "assaulted" me is outrageous. He was definitely way out of bounds, but I didn't need to report him and ruin his life. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone should ask Jeff to check this thread to see if it's one or two posters who keep minimizing the assault, and warning against reporting it to the proper authorities (the police).

Are you for real? Many of us don't consider this sexual assault, you ninny. Unwanted touching, perhaps. But to call it assault is outrageous. You need a reality check. But please, tattle to Jeff because some of us don't agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

Yes, yes, and yes. (20:08 is a sanctimonious twit.) There are so many shades of grey here, especially the bolded paragraph. Some of the posters on this thread have incredibly dangerous knee-jerk responses. God forbid their child ever makes a mistake like that.

[Anonymous]

^^^Sorry, I meant 20:07 is a sanctimonious twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

You know, your post is simply awful.

If OPs child was a girl instead of a boy, there is no way in hell you would write a long, dripping with sympathy for the young man doing the assaulting, referring to him as an equal victim and saying there was no imbalance of power.

Whether or not he was gay does not earn him excuses, sympathy, victimhood status, or any other kindness you would not give to any other sexual predator.

Are you so blinded by being PC that you are eager to make excuses and justify this awful behavior? Or to minimize OPs son's anger, embarrassment or trauma by declaring this young man an "equal" victim?

What a disgusting pile of excuses.

Get yourself to therapy. You have many issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Prove it.

This is going to be a he said, he said situation. I'd get my child counseling, but leave it alone otherwise.

I would not involve police. That could spiral out of control quickly.

Sexual assault is usually A said, B said. Still good to make a report and get a case number. Why not?

Because it's making a mountain out of a molehill. And once it goes public, the blowback on the accuser can be intense. You can divide a whole high school.

Without any witnesses, it's just not provable.

A molehill? That's how you think of sexual assault?

I don't consider it sexual assault.

Would it be sexual assualt if it a female student was having her genitals rubbed while she was asleep?

NP here. This happened to me as a high schooler, exactly as it happened to OP's son. On a bus, over the clothes, while I was asleep. I'm female and it was a guy sitting next to me who did it. I woke up, pretended to still be asleep, and changed positions. While I was grossed out, I by NO MEANS considered this sexual "assault". Unwanted touching? Sure. But to say this guy "assaulted" me is outrageous. He was definitely way out of bounds, but I didn't need to report him and ruin his life. Good grief.

It was sexual assault. You wouldn't ruin his life. He did that when he touched you. Put responsibility where it belongs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, the media doesn't ever care about this sort of thing. Sorry.

Seriously! That someone would actually think this would even be a "story" is pathetic. Kid groped by other kid. End of story. The fact that some of you are insisting OP report this to police (!) is about as over-the-top as they come. If anything, talk to the other kid and maybe his parents, but leave it at that.