My son was molested on a school field trip. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your son felt violated and embarrassed. But I think calling this a molestation is a slap in the face to anyone who has been screwed by their uncle.

Would you or your son feel differently if it had been a girl instead of another boy?

Do you know what the intent of the other kid was? What if it was a (really, really stupid) joke where boys were trying to see if they could get your son aroused in his sleep? It's possible this was in the same vein as drawing a sharpie marker mustache, or putting shaving cream on him. It might be a silly prank gone wrong.

This is what they said when they compared date rape to stranger-violent-rape. In fact, Whoopi Goldberg said re Roman Polansky that it wasn't "Rape rape". They can both be molestation.

Except there is NO RAPE here. Nor molestation. Just touching over clothes.

Why isn't this molestation? If I woke up to realize a colleague on a work trip had been fondling my vagina over my clothes I would feel completely violated. I suppose it's fine for those of you who have had similar experiences to say it was no big deal, but I really don't think you get to decide what is a big deal for someone else. Not to mention, these things have legal definitions, it's not just your opinion. I don't have the time to look up the definition of sexual assault in my state but I'm positive there is no requirement that there be penetration or clothes off. You guys are sick and the worst part is that many of you have kids and will therefore be passing these values along to them.

+1,000,000

I'm assuming your co-worker is an adult with a fully developed brain, right? Unlike this teen's brain, that is still under construction. I am sickened by so many people willing to ruin a kid's life without more details. Has he done this before? Is it a pattern? Is he some pervo preying on the weak? If yes, fine. But you witch-hunters don't know any of these answers and are ready to put him away for life. God help you if your kid ever makes a mistake.

Any idea how many sexual assault "mistakes" you've made so far?

Not the PP, but I'll bite. I'm female and when I was a young and stupid high schooler, I groped a guy's butt. I had a crush on him and was drunk at a party and I.groped.his.butt. While trying to kiss him, even. There, I said it. Unfortunately, it was an unrequited crush, but he was gracious enough to not make a big deal out of it. And imagine! He didn't even report me. He just... let it go. I'm embarrassed every time I think back to that night, but also grateful that the guy was a rational human being who didn't hang me out to dry just because I made a really dumb and crude pass at him.

Too bad there aren't many rational human beings present here on this thread. But for those who are, I salute you. Thank you for recognizing that life is indeed not all black or white.

Nice tale, but please try harder next time, bro.

Wow. I knew there were arrogant people on DCUM, but I think you take the cake. I'm the PP and (yet another) mid-40's mom. Of three kids. And this is something that I did do in high school, as did plenty of other immature, horny teenagers. I guess you'd prefer that we had all been rounded up at the age of 16 and sent to juvie for our transgressions.

I'm so glad the people I know and trust are wise enough to recognize how fallible and flawed people are - especially teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your son felt violated and embarrassed. But I think calling this a molestation is a slap in the face to anyone who has been screwed by their uncle.

Would you or your son feel differently if it had been a girl instead of another boy?

Do you know what the intent of the other kid was? What if it was a (really, really stupid) joke where boys were trying to see if they could get your son aroused in his sleep? It's possible this was in the same vein as drawing a sharpie marker mustache, or putting shaving cream on him. It might be a silly prank gone wrong.

This is what they said when they compared date rape to stranger-violent-rape. In fact, Whoopi Goldberg said re Roman Polansky that it wasn't "Rape rape". They can both be molestation.

Except there is NO RAPE here. Nor molestation. Just touching over clothes.

Why isn't this molestation? If I woke up to realize a colleague on a work trip had been fondling my vagina over my clothes I would feel completely violated. I suppose it's fine for those of you who have had similar experiences to say it was no big deal, but I really don't think you get to decide what is a big deal for someone else. Not to mention, these things have legal definitions, it's not just your opinion. I don't have the time to look up the definition of sexual assault in my state but I'm positive there is no requirement that there be penetration or clothes off. You guys are sick and the worst part is that many of you have kids and will therefore be passing these values along to them.

+1,000,000

I'm assuming your co-worker is an adult with a fully developed brain, right? Unlike this teen's brain, that is still under construction. I am sickened by so many people willing to ruin a kid's life without more details. Has he done this before? Is it a pattern? Is he some pervo preying on the weak? If yes, fine. But you witch-hunters don't know any of these answers and are ready to put him away for life. God help you if your kid ever makes a mistake.

Any idea how many sexual assault "mistakes" you've made so far?

Not the PP, but I'll bite. I'm female and when I was a young and stupid high schooler, I groped a guy's butt. I had a crush on him and was drunk at a party and I.groped.his.butt. While trying to kiss him, even. There, I said it. Unfortunately, it was an unrequited crush, but he was gracious enough to not make a big deal out of it. And imagine! He didn't even report me. He just... let it go. I'm embarrassed every time I think back to that night, but also grateful that the guy was a rational human being who didn't hang me out to dry just because I made a really dumb and crude pass at him.

Too bad there aren't many rational human beings present here on this thread. But for those who are, I salute you. Thank you for recognizing that life is indeed not all black or white.

Nice tale, but please try harder next time, bro.

+1

You apologists don't even see the difference between a drunken butt grab and the fact that OPs son had his genitals groped when he was asleep? What is wrong with you people.

Actually, I do know what's wrong. And it's why the culture of sexual assault and domestic abuse being okay is perpetuated, cause, well - boys will be boys, girls ask for it, and it's your wife, so she's your chattel.

Yes, there are degrees, but depending on the circumstances it doesn't victim any less liklley to have found it traumatic, nor is it still not a crime. It's a lesser crime, but still a crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Bingo. Perhaps we have a molester on this thread who is afraid of exactly that. I wouldn't be at all surprised considering his constant posts.

This is hysterical (but sadly, not funny). You're actually trying to discredit those of us who disagree with you by saying we're all just one poster - and a male molester, at that? Your God complex is showing, and it's frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your son felt violated and embarrassed. But I think calling this a molestation is a slap in the face to anyone who has been screwed by their uncle.

Would you or your son feel differently if it had been a girl instead of another boy?

Do you know what the intent of the other kid was? What if it was a (really, really stupid) joke where boys were trying to see if they could get your son aroused in his sleep? It's possible this was in the same vein as drawing a sharpie marker mustache, or putting shaving cream on him. It might be a silly prank gone wrong.

This is what they said when they compared date rape to stranger-violent-rape. In fact, Whoopi Goldberg said re Roman Polansky that it wasn't "Rape rape". They can both be molestation.

Except there is NO RAPE here. Nor molestation. Just touching over clothes.

Why isn't this molestation? If I woke up to realize a colleague on a work trip had been fondling my vagina over my clothes I would feel completely violated. I suppose it's fine for those of you who have had similar experiences to say it was no big deal, but I really don't think you get to decide what is a big deal for someone else. Not to mention, these things have legal definitions, it's not just your opinion. I don't have the time to look up the definition of sexual assault in my state but I'm positive there is no requirement that there be penetration or clothes off. You guys are sick and the worst part is that many of you have kids and will therefore be passing these values along to them.

+1,000,000

I'm assuming your co-worker is an adult with a fully developed brain, right? Unlike this teen's brain, that is still under construction. I am sickened by so many people willing to ruin a kid's life without more details. Has he done this before? Is it a pattern? Is he some pervo preying on the weak? If yes, fine. But you witch-hunters don't know any of these answers and are ready to put him away for life. God help you if your kid ever makes a mistake.

Any idea how many sexual assault "mistakes" you've made so far?

Not the PP, but I'll bite. I'm female and when I was a young and stupid high schooler, I groped a guy's butt. I had a crush on him and was drunk at a party and I.groped.his.butt. While trying to kiss him, even. There, I said it. Unfortunately, it was an unrequited crush, but he was gracious enough to not make a big deal out of it. And imagine! He didn't even report me. He just... let it go. I'm embarrassed every time I think back to that night, but also grateful that the guy was a rational human being who didn't hang me out to dry just because I made a really dumb and crude pass at him.

Too bad there aren't many rational human beings present here on this thread. But for those who are, I salute you. Thank you for recognizing that life is indeed not all black or white.

Nice tale, but please try harder next time, bro.

+1

You apologists don't even see the difference between a drunken butt grab and the fact that OPs son had his genitals groped when he was asleep? What is wrong with you people.

Actually, I do know what's wrong. And it's why the culture of sexual assault and domestic abuse being okay is perpetuated, cause, well - boys will be boys, girls ask for it, and it's your wife, so she's your chattel.

Yes, there are degrees, but depending on the circumstances it doesn't victim any less liklley to have found it traumatic, nor is it still not a crime. It's a lesser crime, but still a crime.

Well said. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Bingo. Perhaps we have a molester on this thread who is afraid of exactly that. I wouldn't be at all surprised considering his constant posts.

You disagree with what?

This is hysterical (but sadly, not funny). You're actually trying to discredit those of us who disagree with you by saying we're all just one poster - and a male molester, at that? Your God complex is showing, and it's frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Bingo. Perhaps we have a molester on this thread who is afraid of exactly that. I wouldn't be at all surprised considering his constant posts.

This is hysterical (but sadly, not funny). You're actually trying to discredit those of us who disagree with you by saying we're all just one poster - and a male molester, at that? Your God complex is showing, and it's frightening.

You disagree with what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your son felt violated and embarrassed. But I think calling this a molestation is a slap in the face to anyone who has been screwed by their uncle.

Would you or your son feel differently if it had been a girl instead of another boy?

Do you know what the intent of the other kid was? What if it was a (really, really stupid) joke where boys were trying to see if they could get your son aroused in his sleep? It's possible this was in the same vein as drawing a sharpie marker mustache, or putting shaving cream on him. It might be a silly prank gone wrong.

This is what they said when they compared date rape to stranger-violent-rape. In fact, Whoopi Goldberg said re Roman Polansky that it wasn't "Rape rape". They can both be molestation.

Except there is NO RAPE here. Nor molestation. Just touching over clothes.

Why isn't this molestation? If I woke up to realize a colleague on a work trip had been fondling my vagina over my clothes I would feel completely violated. I suppose it's fine for those of you who have had similar experiences to say it was no big deal, but I really don't think you get to decide what is a big deal for someone else. Not to mention, these things have legal definitions, it's not just your opinion. I don't have the time to look up the definition of sexual assault in my state but I'm positive there is no requirement that there be penetration or clothes off. You guys are sick and the worst part is that many of you have kids and will therefore be passing these values along to them.

+1,000,000

I'm assuming your co-worker is an adult with a fully developed brain, right? Unlike this teen's brain, that is still under construction. I am sickened by so many people willing to ruin a kid's life without more details. Has he done this before? Is it a pattern? Is he some pervo preying on the weak? If yes, fine. But you witch-hunters don't know any of these answers and are ready to put him away for life. God help you if your kid ever makes a mistake.

Any idea how many sexual assault "mistakes" you've made so far?

Not the PP, but I'll bite. I'm female and when I was a young and stupid high schooler, I groped a guy's butt. I had a crush on him and was drunk at a party and I.groped.his.butt. While trying to kiss him, even. There, I said it. Unfortunately, it was an unrequited crush, but he was gracious enough to not make a big deal out of it. And imagine! He didn't even report me. He just... let it go. I'm embarrassed every time I think back to that night, but also grateful that the guy was a rational human being who didn't hang me out to dry just because I made a really dumb and crude pass at him.

Too bad there aren't many rational human beings present here on this thread. But for those who are, I salute you. Thank you for recognizing that life is indeed not all black or white.

Nice tale, but please try harder next time, bro.

+1

You apologists don't even see the difference between a drunken butt grab and the fact that OPs son had his genitals groped when he was asleep? What is wrong with you people.

Actually, I do know what's wrong. And it's why the culture of sexual assault and domestic abuse being okay is perpetuated, cause, well - boys will be boys, girls ask for it, and it's your wife, so she's your chattel.

Yes, there are degrees, but depending on the circumstances it doesn't victim any less liklley to have found it traumatic, nor is it still not a crime. It's a lesser crime, but still a crime.

Maybe you missed it, but I'm FEMALE (the girl who groped and tried to kiss a guy who wasn't interested). If anything, you seem to be apologizing for me, saying it was "just" a butt grab. If that had happened today, people like you would be calling the police on me.

And if we're talking degrees, there's quite a difference between someone being groped over their clothes and someone else being raped. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your son felt violated and embarrassed. But I think calling this a molestation is a slap in the face to anyone who has been screwed by their uncle.

Would you or your son feel differently if it had been a girl instead of another boy?

Do you know what the intent of the other kid was? What if it was a (really, really stupid) joke where boys were trying to see if they could get your son aroused in his sleep? It's possible this was in the same vein as drawing a sharpie marker mustache, or putting shaving cream on him. It might be a silly prank gone wrong.

Simple Definition of molest

: to harm (someone) through sexual contact : to touch (someone) in a sexual and improper way

So touching someone in a sexual way - what exactly is that? It must be a sex organ that's touched? Must the perpetrator have sexual thoughts? A football player slapping his teammate's butt - is that sexual?

It's really not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Whaaaaaa?? That's quite a leap, don't you think?

No$ I work in child abuse investigations. 99 percent of kids that molest others were molested, are being molested. 1 in 6 boys are molested.

This boy will get counseling not criminal charges since he is under 18. Why is everybody so afraid of notifying the police.

Thank god teachers are required reporters otherwise kids would never get help.

If we find the kid was just messing around, he would most likely not be charged or be given some soft charge that required counsleing and wiped off his record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

I agree with your first sentence. I don't know whether they should report it or not; it's a personal decision. However, making a report does not mean the boy pays for it for the rest of his life. It starts an investigation, it isn't a conviction.

Exactly. If there's zero report, no one will ever know the pattern of sexual assault.

Yes I agree with this. If this time it's not reported and next time and next time, no one will ever know how many times he has sexually assaulted someone. And what was the next step? Sure it was touching over clothes, but I'm sure that wasn't his ultimate goal. What if OP's son had woken up 10 or 15 minutes later? This all reminds me of the Duggar guy, and you can see what happened with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Bingo. Perhaps we have a molester on this thread who is afraid of exactly that. I wouldn't be at all surprised considering his constant posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Whaaaaaa?? That's quite a leap, don't you think?

No$ I work in child abuse investigations. 99 percent of kids that molest others were molested, are being molested. 1 in 6 boys are molested.

This boy will get counseling not criminal charges since he is under 18. Why is everybody so afraid of notifying the police.

Thank god teachers are required reporters otherwise kids would never get help.

If we find the kid was just messing around, he would most likely not be charged or be given some soft charge that required counsleing and wiped off his record.

Yes. God only knows how many kids are getting molested. Teachers, coaches, uncles, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it was assault, because it happened without consent- but can we agree that there is an order of magnitude?

I am (another) woman in her forties. I have friends who have been raped, intimidated, and in positions where they were concerned for their immediate safety. A lot of women my age remember how these things happened and were nearly impossible to report or prosecute.

I don't agree with people minimizing what happened, but I would be thoughtful about whether I think the other boy should pay for it for the rest of his life. These are both teenagers.

What if the police are contacted and an investigation find out the boy is molested at home and thinks this is normal.

If you don't report he continues to be raped at home.

Whaaaaaa?? That's quite a leap, don't you think?

No$ I work in child abuse investigations. 99 percent of kids that molest others were molested, are being molested. 1 in 6 boys are molested.

This boy will get counseling not criminal charges since he is under 18. Why is everybody so afraid of notifying the police.

Thank god teachers are required reporters otherwise kids would never get help.

If we find the kid was just messing around, he would most likely not be charged or be given some soft charge that required counsleing and wiped off his record.

I'm making a jump here, but haven't we heard of situations where a 19 year old guy has naked pics of his 17 year old girlfriend on his phone and gets a lifelong label as a child pornographer? I don't think it's a huge leap to worry this kid may be harmed for life over this situation, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Each victim of sexual assault is entitled to his/her OWN response to what happened.

There is no way for another person to do that.

OP here. We have very much let DS take the lead (with our strong support, of course) in responding to this, and he has very definitely made his wishes known. Thanks to all well-intentioned posters for your input and advice.

One last thing: at no time did I ever suggest this was the worst possible assault imaginable. I didn't know about the ruptured-bladder case and can only imagine what that child and his family are going through. I'm well aware that my son could have been much more seriously injured.

And yet, what the other boy did was still wrong. Saying that we shouldn't be concerned because DS wasn't raped is also wrong.

I think we're done here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Each victim of sexual assault is entitled to his/her OWN response to what happened.

There is no way for another person to do that.

OP here. We have very much let DS take the lead (with our strong support, of course) in responding to this, and he has very definitely made his wishes known. Thanks to all well-intentioned posters for your input and advice.

One last thing: at no time did I ever suggest this was the worst possible assault imaginable. I didn't know about the ruptured-bladder case and can only imagine what that child and his family are going through. I'm well aware that my son could have been much more seriously injured.

And yet, what the other boy did was still wrong. Saying that we shouldn't be concerned because DS wasn't raped is also wrong.

I think we're done here.

Thank you OP. I hope everything works out- I am sorry that this happened to your son. I have a son and I would be quite upset if this happened to him. A lot of people have a lot of baggage, it's why you've received so many disparate responses.