My son was molested on a school field trip. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

Touching a minor's crotch while he is sleeping is NOT "making a pass".

This is not sane advice.

I'm a female survivor of childhood sexual abuse, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

OP here and of course I talked to my son. No, he wasn't held down, but the other kid was feeling him up *while he was asleep* (on an overnight bus ride). So, yeah, I think that ABSOLUTELY would count as forcing himself on my son, wouldn't you? Son says that as soon as he woke up and realized what was happening, he shifted position and the other kid took his hand away.

Yes, it could have been worse. But just because clothes stayed on doesn't mean it wasn't an assault.

And yes, as everyone can imagine, he wants this to be as private as possible, i.e., to keep his name out of it. I explained the difference between privacy, secrecy and shame, and praised him (repeatedly) for reporting it to the school, which I know was very difficult for him. I said that this other boy may have been counting on my son's being too ashamed to report it, and that he was so brave for proving the boy wrong.

I don't know how much control we will have over the school's actions, but at first I was thinking that expulsion would be enough. Then DS wondered if he was responsible for reporting a crime. He says he wants to make sure there's a record of this in case it happens to someone else. They are both minors; would this even go on his "permanent record"?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Hire a lawyer and a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

Touching a minor's crotch while he is sleeping is NOT "making a pass".

This is not sane advice.

I'm a female survivor of childhood sexual abuse, BTW.

+1

This was absolutely abusive, no question. You don't touch people sexually when they are unconscious. period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

THIS!!!

In this trigger(warning)-happy society ready to blow any teenage transgression totally out of proportion, I plead with you, talk to your son first. Ask him how he feels. Does he want to talk to a counselor? Call a local sexual crisis line? Is he traumatized by someone else touching his balls? Ask him how HE feels about it without telling him he should feel certain way. I by no means think that this incident is excusable, but it could have been less grave or malicious as you seem to think. It could have been a pass by someone who has a crush on you son, it could have been a prank, a bet, etc. Also, don't forget that we have overzealous sex offender laws which often ruin people's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

OP here and of course I talked to my son. No, he wasn't held down, but the other kid was feeling him up *while he was asleep* (on an overnight bus ride). So, yeah, I think that ABSOLUTELY would count as forcing himself on my son, wouldn't you? Son says that as soon as he woke up and realized what was happening, he shifted position and the other kid took his hand away.

Yes, it could have been worse. But just because clothes stayed on doesn't mean it wasn't an assault.

And yes, as everyone can imagine, he wants this to be as private as possible, i.e., to keep his name out of it. I explained the difference between privacy, secrecy and shame, and praised him (repeatedly) for reporting it to the school, which I know was very difficult for him. I said that this other boy may have been counting on my son's being too ashamed to report it, and that he was so brave for proving the boy wrong.

I don't know how much control we will have over the school's actions, but at first I was thinking that expulsion would be enough. Then DS wondered if he was responsible for reporting a crime. He says he wants to make sure there's a record of this in case it happens to someone else. They are both minors; would this even go on his "permanent record"?

It's gonna be much worse than just some reprimand by the principal or expulsion from school. His is screwed. Read this: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/03/14/when-kids-are-accused-of-sex-crimes

[Anonymous]

I'm the first PP who responded -- sexual abuse survivor.

Your son sounds remarkably strong and level headed. I'm impressed that he reported the assault -- that alone will go a long way toward helping him move forward confidently. I wish I had had his courage when it happened to me.

Again, my advice is to follow his lead. He is the one who fully understands what happened and the threat this other boy poses. He certainly seems to think the boy is capable of doing it again, and he feels a responsibility to do something about that. It's truly impressive.

If he wants to report it to the cops, I would not stop him. I would try to manage his expectations -- there is every chance the police will downplay this and not take any action. Your son needs to feel he did everything he could simply by reporting the assault -- even if the other boy does not receive the full punishment your son believes he deserves.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how much control we will have over the school's actions, but at first I was thinking that expulsion would be enough. Then DS wondered if he was responsible for reporting a crime. He says he wants to make sure there's a record of this in case it happens to someone else. They are both minors; would this even go on his "permanent record"?

Depending on the school system, you may not be able to just assume that the other teen will be expelled. (In FCPS, for example, an expulsion hearing is required only for drugs and weapons). In my DC's school, a student who collected and distributed naked photos of his female classmates without their knowledge is still wandering around the hallways.

[Anonymous]

Prove it.

This is going to be a he said, he said situation. I'd get my child counseling, but leave it alone otherwise.

I would not involve police. That could spiral out of control quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

I wouldn't trust anyone like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Prove it.

This is going to be a he said, he said situation. I'd get my child counseling, but leave it alone otherwise.

I would not involve police. That could spiral out of control quickly.

Sexual assault is usually A said, B said. Still good to make a report and get a case number. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

OP here and of course I talked to my son. No, he wasn't held down, but the other kid was feeling him up *while he was asleep* (on an overnight bus ride). So, yeah, I think that ABSOLUTELY would count as forcing himself on my son, wouldn't you? Son says that as soon as he woke up and realized what was happening, he shifted position and the other kid took his hand away.

Yes, it could have been worse. But just because clothes stayed on doesn't mean it wasn't an assault.

And yes, as everyone can imagine, he wants this to be as private as possible, i.e., to keep his name out of it. I explained the difference between privacy, secrecy and shame, and praised him (repeatedly) for reporting it to the school, which I know was very difficult for him. I said that this other boy may have been counting on my son's being too ashamed to report it, and that he was so brave for proving the boy wrong.

I don't know how much control we will have over the school's actions, but at first I was thinking that expulsion would be enough. Then DS wondered if he was responsible for reporting a crime. He says he wants to make sure there's a record of this in case it happens to someone else. They are both minors; would this even go on his "permanent record"?

I'm the PP you responded to. The other kid is skewed, but both kids may be skewed by the way the adults handle this situation. I am not sure touching someone with their clothes on equal sexual assault. It seems to me to be Inappropriate and unwelcome touching. You have to ask yourself if you'd jumped the gun so fast it if it were someone of the opposite sex. You have to be careful not to make your kid a super by appropriating this with those who have been gravely assaulted. Your perception may ultimately influence your son's reality of the event. Thread carefully

[Anonymous]

Almost identical thing happened to me on a school field trip. I am female and it was a male. I wake up and he had his hand under the waist band of my jeans, sort of rubbing my stomach. When I realized I pretended to still be asleep & shifted positions and he pulled his hand away.

I didn't report it. No, he shouldn't have done it, but even at the time I didn't think he was really a danger. Honestly, kids do stupid things when they think they can get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I'd call the police and at the very least, report it.

Talk to your child, see how he feels.

Call a local sexual crisis line (they're not "just for women") and see what resources are available.

Do not let the school decide for you as far as what you will do legally. If they didn't do their due diligence, or whatever, that's not your problem. Your child was assaulted. It's not about paying. It's about recognizing that he is a victim.

To counter PP, hazing and bulling ARE molestation, and it's not okay. Just because he is gay or perceived to be does not make it okay. Because he is black/white/Hispanic/plaid and likes both boys and girls does not make it okay. It is molestation. It is sexual assault. Yes, there are "degrees", but those are int eh eyes of the law AND NONE ARE OKAY.

This! All of this!

So sorry, OP.

This is not a measured and balanced response. Get the input of your son before you do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost identical thing happened to me on a school field trip. I am female and it was a male. I wake up and he had his hand under the waist band of my jeans, sort of rubbing my stomach. When I realized I pretended to still be asleep & shifted positions and he pulled his hand away.

I didn't report it. No, he shouldn't have done it, but even at the time I didn't think he was really a danger. Honestly, kids do stupid things when they think they can get away with it.

me again. and I'll add, I realized even then that what he did had nothing to do with me so I didn't internalize it or feel a victim. Make sure you son sees it the same way.