Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?

[Anonymous]

For his sake, don't marry him. You sound like a nutcase.

Find some other virgin, insist on a full autobiography before the 2nd date, and live happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's someone he's still friends with (even someone you might meet!) and is trying to protect her privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's someone he's still friends with (even someone you might meet!) and is trying to protect her privacy.

This is what I think.

And to be honest, I'd expect that if I were the woman in question.

I've never been anyone's devirginizer, but I was more than a bit weirded out when one of my XH's post-divorce gfs made a remark to me that revealed he had discussed our sex life in detail. It was something that she could not have guessed on her own. Nothing I was ashamed of, but I thought that it was a definitely an overstepping of bounds for him to tell and her to reveal to me that she knew. I wonder if she pressured him into some weird kiss and tell conversation. If there was any health reason she needed to know (there wasn't), he could have told her the act without telling it was me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.

But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.

I don't remember my first time. I had a lot of partners in high school/college, and I don't remember the chronological order, or who I had sex with, vs. who I fooled around with. I am 33, just like your boyfriend, so it's entirely possible he doesn't remember.

This actually makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's someone he's still friends with (even someone you might meet!) and is trying to protect her privacy.

This is what I think.

And to be honest, I'd expect that if I were the woman in question.

I've never been anyone's devirginizer, but I was more than a bit weirded out when one of my XH's post-divorce gfs made a remark to me that revealed he had discussed our sex life in detail. It was something that she could not have guessed on her own. Nothing I was ashamed of, but I thought that it was a definitely an overstepping of bounds for him to tell and her to reveal to me that she knew. I wonder if she pressured him into some weird kiss and tell conversation. If there was any health reason she needed to know (there wasn't), he could have told her the act without telling it was me.

So it would be ok for him to lie to me to do this? I know he has a past that doesn't bother me. I would be upset if he pretended to me that he wasn't involved with a friend, and then it came out that he was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what if your BF was raped, or coerced into sex by a much older person?

Maybe he doesn't feel safe telling you this.

Years ago, whenI was in HS a friend of mine's BF had lost his virginity at 12 by a rather pushy 18 year old.

He was actually traumatized by this and didn't tell her for a very long time after they'd been dating.

You need to stop pushing him.

That would be very sad and upsetting, but if that were true I would think he'd just tell me he didn't want to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's someone he's still friends with (even someone you might meet!) and is trying to protect her privacy.

This is what I think.

And to be honest, I'd expect that if I were the woman in question.

I've never been anyone's devirginizer, but I was more than a bit weirded out when one of my XH's post-divorce gfs made a remark to me that revealed he had discussed our sex life in detail. It was something that she could not have guessed on her own. Nothing I was ashamed of, but I thought that it was a definitely an overstepping of bounds for him to tell and her to reveal to me that she knew. I wonder if she pressured him into some weird kiss and tell conversation. If there was any health reason she needed to know (there wasn't), he could have told her the act without telling it was me.

So it would be ok for him to lie to me to do this? I know he has a past that doesn't bother me. I would be upset if he pretended to me that he wasn't involved with a friend, and then it came out that he was.

Honey, if you ask someone something private and they demur, but you keep pressuring them to give you an answer, then, yep, you kinda deserve a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's someone he's still friends with (even someone you might meet!) and is trying to protect her privacy.

This is what I think.

And to be honest, I'd expect that if I were the woman in question.

I've never been anyone's devirginizer, but I was more than a bit weirded out when one of my XH's post-divorce gfs made a remark to me that revealed he had discussed our sex life in detail. It was something that she could not have guessed on her own. Nothing I was ashamed of, but I thought that it was a definitely an overstepping of bounds for him to tell and her to reveal to me that she knew. I wonder if she pressured him into some weird kiss and tell conversation. If there was any health reason she needed to know (there wasn't), he could have told her the act without telling it was me.

So it would be ok for him to lie to me to do this? I know he has a past that doesn't bother me. I would be upset if he pretended to me that he wasn't involved with a friend, and then it came out that he was.

Honey, if you ask someone something private and they demur, but you keep pressuring them to give you an answer, then, yep, you kinda deserve a lie.

No one deserves to be lied to. I think you only say that because I don't have a lot of experience. Anyway I have only asked him 2 times, and I probably won't ask him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For his sake, don't marry him. You sound like a nutcase.

Find some other virgin, insist on a full autobiography before the 2nd date, and live happily ever after.

+1 This is the path that will lead you both to greater happiness.

Oh, and +1 to the PP who said you're asking to be lied to...so expect a lie if you keep persisting in trying to find out something which really is his business alone. You are refusing to accept the answer he has given you. That's OK, but it means you either reject him (along with the answer you don't like) and move along to a new relationship or you accept the answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the issue you're having on this thread is that many of the people responding lost their virginity 20+ years ago and have had lots of partners. They don't remember what it was like to have just lost your virginity. If you waited until 25, this was clearly something important to you. It's not crazy to want to discuss this important thing happening with your partner and I could see how wondering what his experience was like would naturally come up. That being said, I have had sexual experiences I would prefer not to discuss so I can see where your BF is coming from. Not all of us have been as careful in choosing our partners/experiences!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the issue you're having on this thread is that many of the people responding lost their virginity 20+ years ago and have had lots of partners. They don't remember what it was like to have just lost your virginity. If you waited until 25, this was clearly something important to you. It's not crazy to want to discuss this important thing happening with your partner and I could see how wondering what his experience was like would naturally come up. That being said, I have had sexual experiences I would prefer not to discuss so I can see where your BF is coming from. Not all of us have been as careful in choosing our partners/experiences!

I lost my virginity at 20 to my bf of a year and have had two other partners. My XH and my current fiancé. I STILL think OP is out of line. There are questions for a sexual partner that are reasonable for health and compatibility reasons. Then there are questions that a person has a right to decline to answer for a wide variety of reasons, including to protect someone else or just to preserve as sacred a memory.

How would OP feel if her bf breaks up with her and he shares her name and basic details of her defloration with all his subsequent partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the issue you're having on this thread is that many of the people responding lost their virginity 20+ years ago and have had lots of partners. They don't remember what it was like to have just lost your virginity. If you waited until 25, this was clearly something important to you. It's not crazy to want to discuss this important thing happening with your partner and I could see how wondering what his experience was like would naturally come up. That being said, I have had sexual experiences I would prefer not to discuss so I can see where your BF is coming from. Not all of us have been as careful in choosing our partners/experiences!

I lost my virginity at 20 to my bf of a year and have had two other partners. My XH and my current fiancé. I STILL think OP is out of line. There are questions for a sexual partner that are reasonable for health and compatibility reasons. Then there are questions that a person has a right to decline to answer for a wide variety of reasons, including to protect someone else or just to preserve as sacred a memory.

How would OP feel if her bf breaks up with her and he shares her name and basic details of her defloration with all his subsequent partners.

That's apples in oranges.
The question is about bf's first time and only 2 specific details. How old was he and who was it? The answer to the first is just number and he can answer the second question as vaguely as he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the issue you're having on this thread is that many of the people responding lost their virginity 20+ years ago and have had lots of partners. They don't remember what it was like to have just lost your virginity. If you waited until 25, this was clearly something important to you. It's not crazy to want to discuss this important thing happening with your partner and I could see how wondering what his experience was like would naturally come up. That being said, I have had sexual experiences I would prefer not to discuss so I can see where your BF is coming from. Not all of us have been as careful in choosing our partners/experiences!

I lost my virginity at 20 to my bf of a year and have had two other partners. My XH and my current fiancé. I STILL think OP is out of line. There are questions for a sexual partner that are reasonable for health and compatibility reasons. Then there are questions that a person has a right to decline to answer for a wide variety of reasons, including to protect someone else or just to preserve as sacred a memory.

How would OP feel if her bf breaks up with her and he shares her name and basic details of her defloration with all his subsequent partners.

Um, yeah...so you didn't just lose your virginity. Thanks for proving my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what if your BF was raped, or coerced into sex by a much older person?

Maybe he doesn't feel safe telling you this.

Years ago, whenI was in HS a friend of mine's BF had lost his virginity at 12 by a rather pushy 18 year old.

He was actually traumatized by this and didn't tell her for a very long time after they'd been dating.

You need to stop pushing him.

That would be very sad and upsetting, but if that were true I would think he'd just tell me he didn't want to talk about it.

Something tells me you wouldn't be satisfied with that answer. He probably knows that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.

But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.

I don't remember my first time. I had a lot of partners in high school/college, and I don't remember the chronological order, or who I had sex with, vs. who I fooled around with. I am 33, just like your boyfriend, so it's entirely possible he doesn't remember.

Were alcohol and/or drugs involved in your not remembering much from this period of time?