Is this unfair ( sexual history related)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that so many people here would be comfortable with a partner who wouldn't share any details of his/her sexual past. I would find the situation OP describes to be odd and unsettling.

She knows he was not a virgin, that he was STD-free, and that they are using protection. Frankly that's pretty much all I know about my husband of ten years.

Ha! I was going to say something similiar. I don't know about my husbands first nor does he know about mine. We've been married 10 years.
It's irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked, so I'll join the others and say no, it's not fair.

What happened before you doesn't belong to you and should have no bearing on your relationship. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that he doesn't want to share it and he doesn't have to. What you do with his choice is up to you.

Your complaint about the answers you got here is a pretty good indication that wouldn't react well to an answer you don't like.

I'm only annoyed with people who have decided to bully me and call me names instead of answering my question. I have the right to defend myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe you should have picked another virgin to have sex with the first time. His previous sex life is not your business, only if he is STI-free. My DH and I have been together for 12 years and we have never discussed our previous relationships. We both had had sex prior to meeting and were clean, that's all we know about each other. You need to either let this go or break up with him over it.

Maybe you should learn how to read.
I've said over and over I have no interest in his previous relationships. None.
All I want to know is

1. How old he was?

2. Who she was?

No one can tell me why these are such inappropriate things to want to know. I honestly do not understand. I could see if I was asking for details like her cup size or if she gave him a bj or whatever, I would see how those questions would be inappropriate.

Nope I just get called a crazy , jealous stalker who should only hang out with other virgins. So whatever. I'm done.

OP do you notice a contradiction here?

[Anonymous]

I think it's fair for you to ask. If losing your virginity was special to you, then you probably have other values related to sex that you'd want a potential husband to understand, if not share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked, so I'll join the others and say no, it's not fair.

What happened before you doesn't belong to you and should have no bearing on your relationship. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that he doesn't want to share it and he doesn't have to. What you do with his choice is up to you.

Your complaint about the answers you got here is a pretty good indication that wouldn't react well to an answer you don't like.

This, exactly. It's not YOUR shared history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked, so I'll join the others and say no, it's not fair.

What happened before you doesn't belong to you and should have no bearing on your relationship. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that he doesn't want to share it and he doesn't have to. What you do with his choice is up to you.

Your complaint about the answers you got here is a pretty good indication that wouldn't react well to an answer you don't like.

I'm only annoyed with people who have decided to bully me and call me names instead of answering my question. I have the right to defend myself.

Bully - look up the meaning. Internet strangers who say you sound needy are not bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? You sound a little young so I'll be easy on you. It's really his business to tell you or not to tell you and you need to take it easy with trying to control the info flow.

I don't see why he won't tell me. If the situation were reversed I would tell him. It just seems wrong that he knows all about my first time and by default my entire sexual history and I don't know much about his. I think it would make sense for him to tell me about his first time given the situation.
I'm not controlling anything. I haven't given him any ultimatums or anything.

Because it's HIS history. With your next boyfriend, are you going to talk about this boyfriend? Probably not. It's insensitive to talk about past partners beyond getting tested for STDs.

I don;t see myself having anymore boyfriends. Sense you asked a hypothetical if I did have a new boyfriend I wouldn't have a problem telling him I was 25 and it was with my ex if asked.

I truly don't understand why sharing that information would be wrong or insensitive.

I don't, but there are a lot of social norms I don't understand. I guess this is just one more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe you should have picked another virgin to have sex with the first time. His previous sex life is not your business, only if he is STI-free. My DH and I have been together for 12 years and we have never discussed our previous relationships. We both had had sex prior to meeting and were clean, that's all we know about each other. You need to either let this go or break up with him over it.

Maybe you should learn how to read.
I've said over and over I have no interest in his previous relationships. None.
All I want to know is

1. How old he was?

2. Who she was?

No one can tell me why these are such inappropriate things to want to know. I honestly do not understand. I could see if I was asking for details like her cup size or if she gave him a bj or whatever, I would see how those questions would be inappropriate.

Nope I just get called a crazy , jealous stalker who should only hang out with other virgins. So whatever. I'm done.

OP do you notice a contradiction here?

No. To me wanting to know about his relationships in detail would involve asking more private things which I think would be wrong to do.
I don't think wanting to know who he lost his virginity to is in the same category or such a private thing.

[Anonymous]

^you just have to be a troll. No one is this dense.

[Anonymous]

OP I can see that you're pretty tormented by this. You've opened yourself to BF in a way that you've never done with anyone before, and that's a huge deal.

Maybe your concern about his sexual history has at least something to do with anxiety you feel about being in this new place in life. You're closer to BF than you've ever been with anyone before, and as great as it is you have some unease with all the vulnerability it brings.

To me at least, it makes more sense to think about your own reactions to being in an intimate relationship, rather than focusing on BF's sexual history.

It's all new territory for you, and maybe you could even use a little help taking it all in. I think that's why you came to DCUM, but a therapist would serve you better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can see that you're pretty tormented by this. You've opened yourself to BF in a way that you've never done with anyone before, and that's a huge deal.

Maybe your concern about his sexual history has at least something to do with anxiety you feel about being in this new place in life. You're closer to BF than you've ever been with anyone before, and as great as it is you have some unease with all the vulnerability it brings.

To me at least, it makes more sense to think about your own reactions to being in an intimate relationship, rather than focusing on BF's sexual history.

It's all new territory for you, and maybe you could even use a little help taking it all in. I think that's why you came to DCUM, but a therapist would serve you better.

+1.

Also, I was suddenly more curious about how other people lost their virginities right after I lost mine. And I cared a lot more about other people's proposals around the time I got engaged. And I was more curious about weddings when I was planning mine. So some curiosity is natural!

[Anonymous]

Who she was is her sexual history and not his place to share with you.

[Anonymous]

I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can see that you're pretty tormented by this. You've opened yourself to BF in a way that you've never done with anyone before, and that's a huge deal.

Maybe your concern about his sexual history has at least something to do with anxiety you feel about being in this new place in life. You're closer to BF than you've ever been with anyone before, and as great as it is you have some unease with all the vulnerability it brings.

To me at least, it makes more sense to think about your own reactions to being in an intimate relationship, rather than focusing on BF's sexual history.

It's all new territory for you, and maybe you could even use a little help taking it all in. I think that's why you came to DCUM, but a therapist would serve you better.

+1.

Also, I was suddenly more curious about how other people lost their virginities right after I lost mine. And I cared a lot more about other people's proposals around the time I got engaged. And I was more curious about weddings when I was planning mine. So some curiosity is natural!

Thank you two for not being mean to me.
I don't think I'm explaining myself well. I don't want to judge him or anyone. I think the hard thing for me is that he won't give me a answer. I know he says he doesn't remember, but I don't see how that can be true. But maybe I don't understand because this all new to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't see it as relevant either, BUT if I asked my partner a question and he flat out refused to answer it, I would wonder WTH is going on there.

Is there any chance it could be a bad memory for him, OP? Some men visit prostitutes for their "first time." Or, it could have been someone older and he feels this reflects badly on him?

A long-ago BF shared with me that his first time was with an older housemaid. She was also a child. He was very young too, maybe something like 9 or ten. I forget. But it made me aware that men can have awful experiences as well.

I don't see how knowing about a partner's first time makes any meaningful difference in the here-and-now, but I can of course see how it could be an interesting piece of someone's history. If it was a long term girlfriend, in college or high school, or a drunken ONS, or a surprise that happened (at camp or Spring Break)...I mean, whatever the circumstance, it does shed light on that person's early experience in some way.

I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that I get how weird it would be to have someone withhold this information (and I understand how in some way it could be interesting to know), but I am telling you that it does not matter in any way as far as your current relationship. I feel that I am a lot older than you, so for me, goodness, it's not a question I would even think to ask. It has no bearing on your lives now. That he won't answer is the issue, not the information itself.

Think about why people are calling you troll. It's because, honey at root, this is a total non-starter. Adults don't care about this stuff. You've entered a new world now that you're sexually active. Recognize that this is the norm. Stay healthy and try to let go of the need to know.

But I'm not judgmental about anyone. I would hope he knows that about me by now. I work hard not to be because I was teased about so much stuff.
I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I might wonder why, but I could respect that he didn't want to talk about it.
When he says he doesn't remember I don't see how it's possible, but maybe that's because you say it's new to me, and in my mind I'll always remember. I'm starting to see how complicated sex is.