Applying to mainstream private schools: When/how should I tell the admission about DC's autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

This.

I'm just not sure I understand why OP doesn't just go tour the schools, explain her son and ask. She seems to want to "slip him in" somewhere instead of finding the best school for him. It doesn't make sense to me.

She needs to take the child to visit the schools, see if they will allow him to spend a few hours there and see how it goes before applying. I didn't realize some schools will do it but our school requested my child go for a 1/2 trial. It worked out really well - they loved him and he loved them. He didn't want to leave (which they were pleased to see). Some schools wouldn't even consider him based off of superficial observations. Best to be upfront/honest and if they school says yes, its a good sign they will work with your child. Just understand they do not have support services and your child will need to go outside for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

This.

I'm just not sure I understand why OP doesn't just go tour the schools, explain her son and ask. She seems to want to "slip him in" somewhere instead of finding the best school for him. It doesn't make sense to me.

She needs to take the child to visit the schools, see if they will allow him to spend a few hours there and see how it goes before applying. I didn't realize some schools will do it but our school requested my child go for a 1/2 trial. It worked out really well - they loved him and he loved them. He didn't want to leave (which they were pleased to see). Some schools wouldn't even consider him based off of superficial observations. Best to be upfront/honest and if they school says yes, its a good sign they will work with your child. Just understand they do not have support services and your child will need to go outside for them.

Just about every private school in the older grades, k and above not preschool, has a "shadow" requirement as part of the application process. OP can visit the schools and have her child "try out" a day and see how it goes. There is no way she is going to be able to "hide" the diagnosis. Be upfront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

If that was all that is needed then the kid isn't autistic.

[Anonymous]

My kid with ASD/ADHD IEP is entirely about social communication issues. If all that was needed was for the teachers to encourage friendships, he would not have or need an IEP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

If that was all that is needed then the kid isn't autistic.

Well that's not exactly true right? Kids with ASD often have pragmatic speech and OT issues that don't really cause too many problems in the early grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just about every private school in the older grades, k and above not preschool, has a "shadow" requirement as part of the application process. OP can visit the schools and have her child "try out" a day and see how it goes. There is no way she is going to be able to "hide" the diagnosis. Be upfront.

I don't know about that. There are a few kids on the spectrum that I've met who can definitely blend in very well in the classroom and even at recess for a half day or even a full day. You'd have to watch them really closely for a week to see the ASD behaviors but they are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

But why would they necessarily be happier at a SN school? Socially challenged Aspie kids don't necessarily get along well with other socially challenged Aspie kids. I would think OP's child would learn more, more quickly about social issues in a mainstream private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

But why would they necessarily be happier at a SN school? Socially challenged Aspie kids don't necessarily get along well with other socially challenged Aspie kids. I would think OP's child would learn more, more quickly about social issues in a mainstream private.

Every kid is different. My socially challenged Aspie kid LOVEs other socially challenged Aspie (or otherwise developmentally delayed) kids. He never had a friend until we went to a SN school, and once we did he had friends immediately. It probably has to do, in large part, with why a kid is socially unsuccessful. The ones (like mine) who are highly socially motivated and gregarious and goofy, but get shunned in mainstream environments because they seem weird and can't catch a ball or hang from the monkeybars, need peers who won't judge them. A kid who just isn't that interested in other kids, and therefore kind of self-isolates, might actually need peers who are more socially aware and capable, and willing to make an effort. Either way, in the early grades it will help a lot to have adults around who are attentive to classroom and playground dynamics and working to steer interactions in a positive direction. Some SN schools essentially make recess part of the curriculum and a teaching opportunity. At most mainstream schools, recess and PE are more or less Lord of the Flies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

This.

I'm just not sure I understand why OP doesn't just go tour the schools, explain her son and ask. She seems to want to "slip him in" somewhere instead of finding the best school for him. It doesn't make sense to me.

She needs to take the child to visit the schools, see if they will allow him to spend a few hours there and see how it goes before applying. I didn't realize some schools will do it but our school requested my child go for a 1/2 trial. It worked out really well - they loved him and he loved them. He didn't want to leave (which they were pleased to see). Some schools wouldn't even consider him based off of superficial observations. Best to be upfront/honest and if they school says yes, its a good sign they will work with your child. Just understand they do not have support services and your child will need to go outside for them.

Just about every private school in the older grades, k and above not preschool, has a "shadow" requirement as part of the application process. OP can visit the schools and have her child "try out" a day and see how it goes. There is no way she is going to be able to "hide" the diagnosis. Be upfront.

That was not our experience with the smaller privates we visited. It makes sense to have it but we weren't offered it. We had to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

Yes and that is exactly the dilemma for parents of smart kids with relatively mild Aspergers. The public schools are a poor fit because the class sizes are so large and what they need more than anything else is a smaller, less stressful environment and a bit more personal attention. My kid did fine for 2 years in a mainstream public school classroom when it was 17-19 kids; when it jumped to 26 that was just too much. And none of those great pull-out services we could get in public school with an IEP address that problem, not really. Maybe you can get an IEP accommodation that says he'll get extra prompts or extra time on this or that, but you cannot get on your IEP that the class should have 15 students and a patient and happy teacher. On the other hand, there just are not many SN schools that know what to do with this population. Maddux is great, but it ends in second grade. The Model Aspergers Program is great if your kid needs 1:1 support or close to it, and you can pay or get your school district to pay (which usually requires significant behavioral problems). Auburn -- well I'm reserving judgment on Auburn for a bit. But most SN schools are historically set up to help kids with learning disabilities, and are either not receptive to or not appropriate for kids who are doing grade level academic work or higher but have significant social and maybe emotional challenges. Montessori can be a loving and supportive environment, and academically OK, but the freedom and lack of structure that they celebrate is the opposite of what most kids on the spectrum need (a predictable, structured day). So you're left looking for a mainstream private that will be patient and open-minded, and seems to have a peer group that includes kids quirky enough for your a-little-bit-more-than-quirky kid to be friends with. If it seems like OP is trying to push her kid into an environment that seems not quite right for him, consider that the reason may be that there is no option that will be quite right for him. Heaven knows I wish there was a Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Mild Aspies out there somewhere, but I sure can't find it and neither can any of the very knowledgeable professionals we have consulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

Depends on what you mean by "great". If you mean academics, sure. But the question with smart kids with ASD is whether they'll be happy at the school and have friends.

If that was all that is needed then the kid isn't autistic.

Well that's not exactly true right? Kids with ASD often have pragmatic speech and OT issues that don't really cause too many problems in the early grades.

Depends on what you mean. My kid with ASD does not have academic or behavioral issues but he definitely needs supports to participate in the classroom and to engage with peers and to make friends. More than the responsive social curriculum provided at our mainstream charter which is great for NT kids.

Without the supports in the IEP, he would be the kid in the sidelines without friends not participating in whatever group activity is going on but yeah, no academic or behavioral issues. If all I cared about are good grades and not getting into trouble for bad behavior then DS will be fine without an IEP.

However, I want DS to have friends and like/enjoy school.

I am the pp whose family members on the spectrum attended private schools, k-12. They got excellent grades, had no discipline issues and went to ivy or equivalent colleges. They had none or very few friends. I don't want DS to have that kind of school experience.

But if a parent thinks that is enough then by all means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

Yes and that is exactly the dilemma for parents of smart kids with relatively mild Aspergers. The public schools are a poor fit because the class sizes are so large and what they need more than anything else is a smaller, less stressful environment and a bit more personal attention. My kid did fine for 2 years in a mainstream public school classroom when it was 17-19 kids; when it jumped to 26 that was just too much. And none of those great pull-out services we could get in public school with an IEP address that problem, not really. Maybe you can get an IEP accommodation that says he'll get extra prompts or extra time on this or that, but you cannot get on your IEP that the class should have 15 students and a patient and happy teacher. On the other hand, there just are not many SN schools that know what to do with this population. Maddux is great, but it ends in second grade. The Model Aspergers Program is great if your kid needs 1:1 support or close to it, and you can pay or get your school district to pay (which usually requires significant behavioral problems). Auburn -- well I'm reserving judgment on Auburn for a bit. But most SN schools are historically set up to help kids with learning disabilities, and are either not receptive to or not appropriate for kids who are doing grade level academic work or higher but have significant social and maybe emotional challenges. Montessori can be a loving and supportive environment, and academically OK, but the freedom and lack of structure that they celebrate is the opposite of what most kids on the spectrum need (a predictable, structured day). So you're left looking for a mainstream private that will be patient and open-minded, and seems to have a peer group that includes kids quirky enough for your a-little-bit-more-than-quirky kid to be friends with. If it seems like OP is trying to push her kid into an environment that seems not quite right for him, consider that the reason may be that there is no option that will be quite right for him. Heaven knows I wish there was a Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Mild Aspies out there somewhere, but I sure can't find it and neither can any of the very knowledgeable professionals we have consulted.

Oh, and I should say that I didn't mean the comments above to be critical at all of the many parents who are taking the public school IEP route with these kids despite the challenges. It does have some advantages, and for many (and in many parts of the country) it is the only viable option. It's just not ideal, and neither are any of the other choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I meant by "social support" is any of the following:
- Recognizing that even though my DC looks content playing alone, DC needs to learn to play with other kids.
- Understanding that recess (and other non-structured periods) are the golden opportunity for my DC is learn social skills and willing to help DC to connect with other kids, even just by simple gesture "Let's see what (Friend A) is playing." or said to (Friend A),"(DC) might be interested in what you're doing."
In short, the teacher should TRY to help facilitate social interaction as much as he/she would help other kids academically in the classroom.
- This might be a a stretch for most schools and will make them anxious ... consider parents bringing in an outside therapist during recess (push-in, not pull out).

I really try to be honest about my DC's diagnosis and needs, if there's an opportunity to talk to the admission privately during school visits/tours, but it always felt that I dropped a bomb and created a tension/awkwardness once the word "autism" comes out.

If these are the type of social supports you are looking for, you need to look at SN privates like Auburn. Mainstream schools, public or private, do not provide these supports. Public schools will provide it, if you specify in the IEP. I cannot image a school allowing you to bring in an outside therapist during recess past preschool.

These are blanket statements, so there's probably some truth and untruths. Many mainstream privates do have support services like ST and OTs. Some have social skills curriculums as part of educational approaches. (I have known some privates that have brought in outside therapist. Not common, but not impossible.)

Would your kid be able to respond to academic instruction and basically function in a classroom. From what you describe, your kid has rudimentary skills but could limp along socially without supports. If you are in denial and this is really "pie-in-the sky," then look at a SN school.

OP, I would look at Maddux. It's a mainstream school with built in educational supports. I'd invest the time and money now for a social skills group. Ivymount has great ones. In terms of traditional mainstream schools, focus your efforts on schools that have small classrooms and preferably already use a social skills curriculum and offer OT/ST. Even if your kid doesn't need ST/OT, it's an indication that schools acknowledge that some kids need support.

You still have to do testing, applications are generally due in January, and if your kid meets the first round, there is the playdate, which will be in the spring of 2016. Don't put your eggs in one basket, don't cross off SN schools b/c they are SN. Apply to a few different kinds of schools. For SN schools, the Exceptional Schools Fair is coming up: http://www.exceptionalschoolsfair.com

PP, what are the many mainstream schools that offer these supports? Please name them. I always thought Maddux was a special school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

I can honestly understand this. Schools that become "SN schools" change dramatically in the eyes of parents.

Yes, I think St. Andrew's is getting that way.


Wow, what school was this? Did they tell your friend thus directly. Not very progressive of them. How was that taking anything away from other children

NP here, but what happens is that you get a huge drop off in applications from NT students. That's a real and tangible issue for a school.