Applying to mainstream private schools: When/how should I tell the admission about DC's autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
If you follow the DCUM Private/Independent School posts, you will find out that a lot of parents with NT kids are very anxious with the presence of ASD kids in their schools (as if autism is contagious). It seems to be acceptable if the kids need academic support from tutors and learning specialists, but not when the kids need social communication support.

Although the school DC is currently at is very welcoming, I never disclosed DC's diagnosis to other parents (why should I?). Friendship is a bit hard to define at this age. I just know that despite DC's difficulty in having back and forth conversation with peers, DC seems to have other likable traits and gets regular invitation for playdates and birthday parties.
I think it's the combination of small class size, teachers who "get it", great communication and collaboration between school and parents, that works for us right now.

OP You are in a tough position, and you seem to want to have it both ways. On one hand, your DC has a special need that you would like to have addressed, but on the other, you want to mainstream. If the problem is not big enough to notice, then maybe it should be addressed outside of school? Or you should go to a school that is geared to help students who have SN. But expecting the school fill all these needs at once may be too much to ask, and takes time away from the other students in the class. private schools can and do say that they are unequipped to handle a situation such as this. Simple extra tutoring is a very different thing than trying to "cure" autism. Its sounds like the school is doing Ok thus far. perhaps you might need to change in the future, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
If you follow the DCUM Private/Independent School posts, you will find out that a lot of parents with NT kids are very anxious with the presence of ASD kids in their schools (as if autism is contagious). It seems to be acceptable if the kids need academic support from tutors and learning specialists, but not when the kids need social communication support.

Although the school DC is currently at is very welcoming, I never disclosed DC's diagnosis to other parents (why should I?). Friendship is a bit hard to define at this age. I just know that despite DC's difficulty in having back and forth conversation with peers, DC seems to have other likable traits and gets regular invitation for playdates and birthday parties.
I think it's the combination of small class size, teachers who "get it", great communication and collaboration between school and parents, that works for us right now.

OP You are in a tough position, and you seem to want to have it both ways. On one hand, your DC has a special need that you would like to have addressed, but on the other, you want to mainstream. If the problem is not big enough to notice, then maybe it should be addressed outside of school? Or you should go to a school that is geared to help students who have SN. But expecting the school fill all these needs at once may be too much to ask, and takes time away from the other students in the class. private schools can and do say that they are unequipped to handle a situation such as this. Simple extra tutoring is a very different thing than trying to "cure" autism. Its sounds like the school is doing Ok thus far. perhaps you might need to change in the future, however.

+1 I think this means taking a long, hard, look at what your child really needs. I understand that you want to mainstream, but you also don't want your child with "those special needs kids" at a SN school.

[Anonymous]

She also doesn't seem to want her kid at a public school with IEP either... Which leaves very few choices.

If her child can manage without any supports at school than a mainstream private or public will work. But it does not sound like that is the case. The fact that she says "friendships" are hard to define in K says it all. If your child is in a very nurturing school without identifiable friends, your child needs more supports than a mainstream private school can provide.

From the little descriptions provided, her child will not be able to "pass" the interview so best to disclose ASAP in the application process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Re: 09:24 post
At the mainstream private schools tours/visits, the admission team usually mentioned about socio-emotional growth and anti-bullying, etc. However, there's never a concrete explanation on how it's done in reality.

Re: 09:43 post (with a 6th grader)
We recently relocated to the DC area and still try to gather some resources and support network.
Would you mind sharing the psychologist name? TIA.

Kathleen Ross Kidder. She teaches at GWU and has a private practice in Culpeper. We live way outside the beltway, so it wasn't a horrible trip for us. She is very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
If you follow the DCUM Private/Independent School posts, you will find out that a lot of parents with NT kids are very anxious with the presence of ASD kids in their schools (as if autism is contagious). It seems to be acceptable if the kids need academic support from tutors and learning specialists, but not when the kids need social communication support.

Although the school DC is currently at is very welcoming, I never disclosed DC's diagnosis to other parents (why should I?). Friendship is a bit hard to define at this age. I just know that despite DC's difficulty in having back and forth conversation with peers, DC seems to have other likable traits and gets regular invitation for playdates and birthday parties.
I think it's the combination of small class size, teachers who "get it", great communication and collaboration between school and parents, that works for us right now.

Upthread pp who had to leave one of the "regular" selective privates listed in this thread. ASD was unknown/not apparent (to the extent it is now) in the earlier years. For some, lower school in the privates may indeed work out. For many of us, it did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
If you follow the DCUM Private/Independent School posts, you will find out that a lot of parents with NT kids are very anxious with the presence of ASD kids in their schools (as if autism is contagious). It seems to be acceptable if the kids need academic support from tutors and learning specialists, but not when the kids need social communication support.

Although the school DC is currently at is very welcoming, I never disclosed DC's diagnosis to other parents (why should I?). Friendship is a bit hard to define at this age. I just know that despite DC's difficulty in having back and forth conversation with peers, DC seems to have other likable traits and gets regular invitation for playdates and birthday parties.
I think it's the combination of small class size, teachers who "get it", great communication and collaboration between school and parents, that works for us right now.

I do not read the private school forum. This confirms all my worst stereotypes of private school parents. Do they complain about too many Jews or scholarship students too?

In some ways the fact that my child's SN are not hideable if you're around him for more than a few minutes is nice because it means I don't/can't think about trying to "pass" him as NT. it seems like that would be a difficult thing, to wonder whether to disclose it and worry that the other parent will change their assessment of you or your kid because of it.

It's not just private school parents. Same attitude at our public.

+1 Parent quote from our local close-in MD public, "Your kid has what??? They don't have the resources here for THAT!"

[Anonymous]

I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

[Anonymous]

I meant NOT have any behavioral issues. If I were an admissions officer I would be happy to have that kind of child.

[Anonymous]

OP, instead of looking at the more popular big name privates, you really need to focus on the special needs or very small privates that may be willing to accept kids with mild special needs. My child had mild special needs and social upon entering was one of them (it no longer is a significant issue). Autism can mean many things from not being able to care for yourself to just mild quirks. Some schools will accept mild quirks but none are going to provide the social needs and teaching you need except by going to Maddox or another similar school. Two years ago when we looked for small privates, only two (except those who would take anyone/terrible for the money) were ok with my child's needs and warm/friendly about it. One was a tiny Montessori and one was an academic based structured school. My kid liked both but I choose the academic based. They were great about pairing my son with two other boys which turned out to be a great fit. They did minor encouragement but the boys paired so well, it became a non-issue. We approached it as we have private supports and are just looking for a school. They were fine with us pulling out for speech and OT although eventually they recommended stopping with OT as they work on writing which we were concerned about. They were very supportive for about 6 months and the supports slowly tapered off (which for us was good). I don't see many schools doing it that long term. Some teachers get my kid, others do not but that would be anywhere, not just this school. As he gets older, he's quickly outgrowing the concerns and doing ok academically. While he had a great transition and doing very well considering, sadly, very few schools would consider him. You are going to have a tuff time. I'd go look at schools before you waste the money applying and be upfront. We did, however, have one school say "yes" and then waitlist my kid (i.e. nice way of saying no) but that was a blessing in the end as they were twice as much and academically not as strong. Its hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, instead of looking at the more popular big name privates, you really need to focus on the special needs or very small privates that may be willing to accept kids with mild special needs. My child had mild special needs and social upon entering was one of them (it no longer is a significant issue). Autism can mean many things from not being able to care for yourself to just mild quirks. Some schools will accept mild quirks but none are going to provide the social needs and teaching you need except by going to Maddox or another similar school. Two years ago when we looked for small privates, only two (except those who would take anyone/terrible for the money) were ok with my child's needs and warm/friendly about it. One was a tiny Montessori and one was an academic based structured school. My kid liked both but I choose the academic based. They were great about pairing my son with two other boys which turned out to be a great fit. They did minor encouragement but the boys paired so well, it became a non-issue. We approached it as we have private supports and are just looking for a school. They were fine with us pulling out for speech and OT although eventually they recommended stopping with OT as they work on writing which we were concerned about. They were very supportive for about 6 months and the supports slowly tapered off (which for us was good). I don't see many schools doing it that long term. Some teachers get my kid, others do not but that would be anywhere, not just this school. As he gets older, he's quickly outgrowing the concerns and doing ok academically. While he had a great transition and doing very well considering, sadly, very few schools would consider him. You are going to have a tuff time. I'd go look at schools before you waste the money applying and be upfront. We did, however, have one school say "yes" and then waitlist my kid (i.e. nice way of saying no) but that was a blessing in the end as they were twice as much and academically not as strong. Its hard.

Actual autism never ever means "just a couple of quirks." Please stop perpetuating this myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, instead of looking at the more popular big name privates, you really need to focus on the special needs or very small privates that may be willing to accept kids with mild special needs. My child had mild special needs and social upon entering was one of them (it no longer is a significant issue). Autism can mean many things from not being able to care for yourself to just mild quirks. Some schools will accept mild quirks but none are going to provide the social needs and teaching you need except by going to Maddox or another similar school. Two years ago when we looked for small privates, only two (except those who would take anyone/terrible for the money) were ok with my child's needs and warm/friendly about it. One was a tiny Montessori and one was an academic based structured school. My kid liked both but I choose the academic based. They were great about pairing my son with two other boys which turned out to be a great fit. They did minor encouragement but the boys paired so well, it became a non-issue. We approached it as we have private supports and are just looking for a school. They were fine with us pulling out for speech and OT although eventually they recommended stopping with OT as they work on writing which we were concerned about. They were very supportive for about 6 months and the supports slowly tapered off (which for us was good). I don't see many schools doing it that long term. Some teachers get my kid, others do not but that would be anywhere, not just this school. As he gets older, he's quickly outgrowing the concerns and doing ok academically. While he had a great transition and doing very well considering, sadly, very few schools would consider him. You are going to have a tuff time. I'd go look at schools before you waste the money applying and be upfront. We did, however, have one school say "yes" and then waitlist my kid (i.e. nice way of saying no) but that was a blessing in the end as they were twice as much and academically not as strong. Its hard.

Actual autism
never ever means "just a couple of quirks." Please stop perpetuating this myth.

Says someone who doesn't have a child who either is not on the spectrum or very very mild with an autism diagnosis that the doctor you are forced to us (HMO style) refuses to remove. Diagnosis is very subjective, so yes, a child can have the diagnosis and outgrow it (i.e. probably wrongly diagnosis but that is another debate and not this one) to many other reasons that the "professionals" choose to ignore. I also assume you were never in a situation like OP's where your child doesn't fully fit the special needs schools but needs a smaller class size than public can provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel like this board, which is great otherwise, has a very big slant towards wanting to put SN kids in SN schools rather than mainstreaming them.
I'm all for getting kids the support they need, especially at a young age, but when a child functions as well as OP's I'm 100% with her in wanting to keep that child in a mainstream environment.
He does well academically and seem to have any behavioral issues. All the teachers have to do is encourage him and the other kids to be friends? Even NT kids, especially at that age, have social skills deficits.
OP's kid sounds like he would do great at many privates around here.

I kind of agree, but OP doesn't want to do public school, either. She wants a private/independent school to offer her kid resources that you would normally need an IEP for. This is hard to get at a mainstream school. So, if she has ruled out public + IEP, then a SN private is pretty much what is left.

This.

I'm just not sure I understand why OP doesn't just go tour the schools, explain her son and ask. She seems to want to "slip him in" somewhere instead of finding the best school for him. It doesn't make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Says someone who doesn't have a child who either is not on the spectrum or very very mild with an autism diagnosis that the doctor you are forced to us (HMO style) refuses to remove. Diagnosis is very subjective, so yes, a child can have the diagnosis and outgrow it (i.e. probably wrongly diagnosis but that is another debate and not this one)

Nope, you're wrong, and you have made my point for me.

Announcing someone is "autistic" for cost-control and pragmatic reasons does not actually mean the patient is, in fact, autistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Says someone who doesn't have a child who either is not on the spectrum or very very mild with an autism diagnosis that the doctor you are forced to us (HMO style) refuses to remove. Diagnosis is very subjective, so yes, a child can have the diagnosis and outgrow it (i.e. probably wrongly diagnosis but that is another debate and not this one)

Nope, you're wrong, and you have made my point for me.

Announcing someone is "autistic" for cost-control and pragmatic reasons does not actually mean the patient is, in fact, autistic.

You don't get these borderline kids do you? You clearly are not in that situation. My child has the official diagnosis. We cannot get it removed no matter how hard we try.