Applying to mainstream private schools: When/how should I tell the admission about DC's autism?

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Re: 09:24 post
At the mainstream private schools tours/visits, the admission team usually mentioned about socio-emotional growth and anti-bullying, etc. However, there's never a concrete explanation on how it's done in reality.

Re: 09:43 post (with a 6th grader)
We recently relocated to the DC area and still try to gather some resources and support network.
Would you mind sharing the psychologist name? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I meant by "social support" is any of the following:
- Recognizing that even though my DC looks content playing alone, DC needs to learn to play with other kids.
- Understanding that recess (and other non-structured periods) are the golden opportunity for my DC is learn social skills and willing to help DC to connect with other kids, even just by simple gesture "Let's see what (Friend A) is playing." or said to (Friend A),"(DC) might be interested in what you're doing."
In short, the teacher should TRY to help facilitate social interaction as much as he/she would help other kids academically in the classroom.
- This might be a a stretch for most schools and will make them anxious ... consider parents bringing in an outside therapist during recess (push-in, not pull out).

I really try to be honest about my DC's diagnosis and needs, if there's an opportunity to talk to the admission privately during school visits/tours, but it always felt that I dropped a bomb and created a tension/awkwardness once the word "autism" comes out.

yes, teachers can and will do those things at the beginning of the year but for your child is that really all it will take? For an NT child, the "social support" listed above would be enough to help them get acclimated socially after a few weeeks. Will it be the same for your child? Or do you anticipate that your child will need this support all year, every day?
Will your child need friendship and social interaction reminders every single day all year? That's different than a child who needs reminding and redirection on occasion.

My child is at a "progressive" minded school and seen the autism churn. Parents come in believing that the small environment, the nurturing classroom will be enough and it's not. The school usually gives a couples years before they just let the parents know it's time to move on. During that time, the child just becomes more alienated from the very small peer groups that already exist given the size of classes. In a small environment like the dc area private schools a child who is different in terms of expected social behaviors sticks out so much more than he does in the larger classes of public school.

It's not about "sticking out." Kids with ASDs stick out at large public schools, too. Large public schools have training and resources to integrate those kids into the community, and experience in doing so. Private schools don't have the training, experience or resources. They really only know how to educate neurotypical kids.

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you want to make sure your child is in the learning environment best suited to his /her needs, you should be straight forward and tell them right up front. The last thing you want is to waste valuable time learning your child needs to be elsewhere.

The point is that the school is a good fit, not that you sneak your child into a school that isn't a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Re: 09:24 post
At the mainstream private schools tours/visits, the admission team usually mentioned about socio-emotional growth and anti-bullying, etc. However, there's never a concrete explanation on how it's done in reality.

Re: 09:43 post (with a 6th grader)
We recently relocated to the DC area and still try to gather some resources and support network.
Would you mind sharing the psychologist name? TIA.

It's done by talking about feelings, helping them to grow empathy and taking a hard and clear line on behavior and bullying. It's not about teaching one-on-one social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that these private schools apparently cannot accommodate learning and social differences at all. What kind of values are they teaching?

They are teaching the NT children they are paid to teach and meeting those children's needs. Addressing SN takes a lot of time and/or money- both of which detract from the time/money applied to the NT kids. So they either become an "inclusive" school and charge a ton or they don't accept kids whose needs they cannot meet with the resources available. It's not about "values."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

I can honestly understand this. Schools that become "SN schools" change dramatically in the eyes of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that these private schools apparently cannot accommodate learning and social differences at all. What kind of values are they teaching?

They are teaching the NT children they are paid to teach and meeting those children's needs. Addressing SN takes a lot of time and/or money- both of which detract from the time/money applied to the NT kids. So they either become an "inclusive" school and charge a ton or they don't accept kids whose needs they cannot meet with the resources available. It's not about "values."

School communities that don't have time or money to dedicate to kids who are different are making a values-based decision. They are valuing a particular type of education for a particular type of child over inclusiveness and diversity and being a broader community.

If you want that kind of experience and you don't care if it comes at the cost of being exclusive of different kinds of people, great. Good for you. Everybody makes trade-offs in this world. Don't pretend that it's not a value judgment, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that these private schools apparently cannot accommodate learning and social differences at all. What kind of values are they teaching?

They are teaching the NT children they are paid to teach and meeting those children's needs. Addressing SN takes a lot of time and/or money- both of which detract from the time/money applied to the NT kids. So they either become an "inclusive" school and charge a ton or they don't accept kids whose needs they cannot meet with the resources available. It's not about "values."

School communities that don't have time or money to dedicate to kids who are different are making a values-based decision. They are valuing a particular type of education for a particular type of child over inclusiveness and diversity and being a broader community.

If you want that kind of experience and you don't care if it comes at the cost of being exclusive of different kinds of people, great. Good for you. Everybody makes trade-offs in this world. Don't pretend that it's not a value judgment, though.

Private schools by definition all are exclusive of all sorts of people. It doesn't mean that they don't care about those people, it means they cannot accommodate their needs.

[Anonymous]

OP, my biggest concern would be what challenges your DC will present down the line. Right now it's some social help, but as the academics get more complicated, it could easily be reading comprehension issues, cooperative learning problems, etc.

My DC is on the spectrum and started out in a typical small private preschool. Problems didn't present until right around age 4. Wasn't diagnosed until 7. Due to the increasing challenges and DC's inability to keep up with them (mostly social, cooperative, sensory), we are now funded at a non-public. I'm sure many others can attest to the fact that getting funded and attending a major non-public school is a huge deal. In other words, DC's performance level fell as the grades went up and things got more complicated. Doing great now in the right environment. Never particularly had academic problems except the ones that grew out of having trouble working in a group and inferring things when reading.

I would absolutely disclose the diagnosis in a phone or e-mail conversation with the admissions people before going any further in the application process. McLean, St. Andrew's, Maddux are good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

Both of my brothers who are on the spectrum went to private schools and one did not have any friends until he went away to college while the other had only one friend. Neither of them needed any accommodations/academic supports and were top students who went on to Ivy and equivalent colleges probably why no one thought they needed any "help". Back in the day, no one cared about a child's emotional fit at a school. However, I don't want the same school experience for DS with ASD/ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that these private schools apparently cannot accommodate learning and social differences at all. What kind of values are they teaching?

They are teaching the NT children they are paid to teach and meeting those children's needs. Addressing SN takes a lot of time and/or money- both of which detract from the time/money applied to the NT kids. So they either become an "inclusive" school and charge a ton or they don't accept kids whose needs they cannot meet with the resources available. It's not about "values."

School communities that don't have time or money to dedicate to kids who are different are making a values-based decision. They are valuing a particular type of education for a particular type of child over inclusiveness and diversity and being a broader community.

If you want that kind of experience and you don't care if it comes at the cost of being exclusive of different kinds of people, great. Good for you. Everybody makes trade-offs in this world. Don't pretend that it's not a value judgment, though.

Private schools by definition all are exclusive of all sorts of people. It doesn't mean that they don't care about those people, it means they cannot accommodate their needs.

Not "cannot accommodate their needs"--they just choose not to because they would rather just serve NT kids. It is absolutely a value judgment. Consider a private school that has steps and no wheelchair ramp. They could say "oh I'm so sorry, kid in wheelchair, it's not that we don't care about you but we just can't accommodate you." Bullshit.

I for one would never send my kids to a school that was not accepting of kids with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

I can honestly understand this. Schools that become "SN schools" change dramatically in the eyes of parents.

Wow, what school was this? Did they tell your friend thus directly. Not very progressive of them. How was that taking anything away from other children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

I can honestly understand this. Schools that become "SN schools" change dramatically in the eyes of parents.

Wow, what school was this? Did they tell your friend thus directly. Not very progressive of them. How was that taking anything away from other children

NP here, but what happens is that you get a huge drop off in applications from NT students. That's a real and tangible issue for a school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's also more tolerance for those kids in public school parents. You know when you send your kid to a public school, you have to be willing to accept a lot of diversity. Parents who send their kids to expense privates are not good at tolerating disruptions or diversity in the student body. They are paying for a certain type of educational experience and they are very unhappy if someone disrupts the experience. Their lack of tolerance gets passed on to their children and it bleeds over into peer relationships.

This resonates with me. My SN kid is in public school. A friend whose child has ADHD and dysgraphia went to a progressive, mainstream private for MS. Was counseled out at end of 8th because other parents objected to the kind and amount accommodations he was being given. The school was very wary of gaining a reputation as a SN school.

It was very hard on the child who was doing well at the school academically and socially and planned on attending that high school.

I can honestly understand this. Schools that become "SN schools" change dramatically in the eyes of parents.

Wow, what school was this? Did they tell your friend thus directly. Not very progressive of them. How was that taking anything away from other children

NP here, but what happens is that you get a huge drop off in applications from NT students. That's a real and tangible issue for a school.

I take it that you support excluding SN kids from private schools because it's a real and tangible issue. Your bigotry is amazing. I doubt that you would feel the same way if the issue was admitting Asian kids or black kids. You know because if a school gets a reputation as a school that admits too many kids of color, applications from white kids are going to drop off. It's a real and tangible issue for a school.