pretty sure my dh is cheating, what do i do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, pleeeeeease come back and update after this all goes down!

Hahah signs of reality TV and Facebook drama not being enough

I'm not on FB and I don't watch reality TV! This is all the drama I have

We could make our own if you'd like?

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that you should think carefully before acting. Do you have separate bank accounts and credit cards? Is all property in both names? Your own retirement accounts? Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. And document everything, as PP suggested. Separate emotional hell from strategy and logistics. Trust me, you'll be glad you did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a bit of a panick here and need some advice. I found condoms in my husband's gym bag. We do not use condoms. Do i confront him now or wait for more evidence? And if i wait, how do i get the evidence? If i say something now, he will just deny it and make some excuse - they are old, i didnt even know they were there, i use them to masterbate. Ive been down this road before, unfortunately.

Any help? I am not thinking straight.

If he genuinely claims that he uses condoms to masturbate, that would be the weirdest goddamn thing I've ever heard. I wouldn't be able to call a divorce lawyer because I'd be dead laughing.

+100! In what world did men start masturbating this way?? One where no tissues (or hell, even socks) exist?

[Anonymous]

I asked DH. Apparently it's a legit thing. DH used to masturbate in lubed condoms on long solo road trips.

Who knew? He said he hadn't done this since college though.

[Anonymous]

Can you get into his phone ? Some people are smart with there cheating. Changing names like Ashley is Adam in his phone. Everything gets deleted immediately but people slip up if they think they won't get caught

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've admittidly been down this road before. What happened last time?

I gave him a second chance and went to lots of therapy. And then we had a kid. And, I just am beside myself.

Sorry OP. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

This is not true for everyone. People can and do change but that is a choice.

OP, I suggest putting a tracking app on their phone or GPS tracker under their car seat. You can install a keylogger program on their computer to trace emails/PMs/chat activity.
Sit back and collect the evidence for two reasons: He can't deny it with proof and you'll have peace of mind one way or the other. Hang in there

Don't do this. This isn't his first rodeo, and he's probably gotten better at covering his tracks anyway. What if OP finds nothing but he discovers the tracking app/GPS tracker/keylogger? Then she gets to deal with accusations of being crazy, on top of the suspicions that her husband is cheating.

OP, find someplace to stay this weekend (a friend's house, a hotel, whatever). Confront him tonight and tell him you and your child are leaving for the weekend so that he can pack and move, but you expect him to be out by 3 pm on Sunday.

I would NOT leave my house, can't this have implications in the divorce? I would tell him HE needs to leave now, but can come and pack on sunday/whatever day. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you OP.

It's not abandonment (which would the the divorce implication) if OP tells her husband she is leaving for a short, specific time and purpose and then comes back two days later, which is what was suggested. Disappearing for a year may, in some jurisdictions, have implications, but OP can leave for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked DH. Apparently it's a legit thing. DH used to masturbate in lubed condoms on long solo road trips.

Who knew? He said he hadn't done this since college though.

What? I'm a guy and never in my life have I thought of this or even heard of it. I hate using them while fucking let alone beating my dick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

In Va is relevant if your husband has committed adultery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

In Va is relevant if your husband has committed adultery.

Based on some divorces I'm privy too it wasn't, at all. No bearing on custody or child support. I was a bit surprised. How have you found it to be relevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

In Va is relevant if your husband has committed adultery.

Based on some divorces I'm privy too it wasn't, at all. No bearing on custody or child support. I was a bit surprised. How have you found it to be relevant?

Maybe in the cases you are mentioning there was a cheating spouse but adultery was not the ground for the divorce. Probing adultery in court in VA can be cumbersome, but it may be worthy for a better settlement.

You may find this article useful http://www.jameshwilsonjr.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

In Va is relevant if your husband has committed adultery.

Based on some divorces I'm privy too it wasn't, at all. No bearing on custody or child support. I was a bit surprised. How have you found it to be relevant?

Maybe in the cases you are mentioning there was a cheating spouse but adultery was not the ground for the divorce. Probing adultery in court in VA can be cumbersome, but it may be worthy for a better settlement.

You may find this article useful http://www.jameshwilsonjr.com

OP is in MD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

In Va is relevant if your husband has committed adultery.

Based on some divorces I'm privy too it wasn't, at all. No bearing on custody or child support. I was a bit surprised. How have you found it to be relevant?

Maybe in the cases you are mentioning there was a cheating spouse but adultery was not the ground for the divorce. Probing adultery in court in VA can be cumbersome, but it may be worthy for a better settlement.

You may find this article useful http://www.jameshwilsonjr.com

Ah, you are correct. Thanks for the info.

[Anonymous]

Snoop if you can. Check email, phone, take screenshots/pics. Get proof. Then lawyer up and divorce his ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I asked DH. Apparently it's a legit thing. DH used to masturbate in lubed condoms on long solo road trips.

Who knew? He said he hadn't done this since college though.

What? I'm a guy and never in my life have I thought of this or even heard of it. I hate using them while fucking let alone beating my dick

+1
I think I masturbated with a condom once in HS because I wanted to know what one feels like.

And I learned that they're the worst thing ever.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I asked DH. Apparently it's a legit thing. DH used to masturbate in lubed condoms on long solo road trips.

Who knew? He said he hadn't done this since college though.[/quote]

What? I'm a guy and never in my life have I thought of this or even heard of it. I hate using them while fucking let alone beating my dick[/quote]

+1
I think I masturbated with a condom once in HS because I wanted to know what one feels like.

And I learned that they're the worst thing ever. [/quote]

Male here. I cheated in my first marriage and will share a couple of things in my experience. I am not saying all men are the same, but I do think there are tendencies.
1. Once a cheater, almost always a cheater. In my first marriage, in my mind I used the lack of sex as an excuse to cheat. I should have just gotten a divorce and found someone who I was compatible with sexually. In my second marriage, I have a beautiful wife, but her sex drive is lower(how do I find these women). In any case, I cheat on her. Not proud of this, but being honest.
2. Spending a lot of time getting evidence may help emotionally, but does not help legally at all. My ex-wife spent a lot of time and money on a PI, getting records, deposition, etc. Not only did it not a bit of difference in our VA divorce with regards to our finances and legal custody, but it pissed off the judge who kept telling my ex's attorney To stop wasting time. I felt my ex was so blinded by her desire to expose my cheating, that she did not focus on the important aspect of getting a fair financial settlement. It also seemed that her attorney did not dissuade her from this approach, costing my ex a lot of fees. IMO, my ex did noT get the settlement she should have gotten because of the misplaced focus.
3. Financially, men seem to recover faster than ex-wives, hence paying attention to # 2 above.
4. After we got divorced, I Felt ashamed and thought that my co-workers, friends, family would all think less of me. Turns out that very few people care. And the few who do care, with time forget. So many people are divorced that it just does not matter, except to my children.
5. IMO, kids are affected adversely by divorce for the rest of their life. There is a range of the effects, so the effects can be overcome with therapy and time. I regret the effect of the divorce on my children and if I had it to do over again, I would have figured out a way to make amends in my first marriage, worked harder to fix the sexual mis-match issue, and tried harder to stay married.

Based in my experience, and only my experience, if you were my sister, I would advise the following:
First decide If you can tolerate his behavior, keeping in mind the effect of divorce on her child. Most can not, and if this is the case, get an attorney and file for divorce. I would tell my sister to not waste time with guilt or pointing fingers. Focus on getting a fair financial settlement. Unless there is abuse involved, legal custody of children is pretty straightforward and not affected by the cheating.