pretty sure my dh is cheating, what do i do?

[Anonymous]

Just letting you know what I *think* I would do in your shoes, OP: I would pack up the baby and leave for the weekend. Leave a hand-written note explaining that you found the condoms, you know he's been cheating again and need the time and space to think about it. This doesn't give him a chance to rebut. Don't pick up your phone until Sunday afternoon. Take the time to decide what you want next. He may use the time to come up with elaborate lies or to come to terms with what he has done, but don't back down. You know what has happened, don't even engage on discussing excuses. Best of luck and so sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

OP. If you have a baby, you need to do what's best for the baby which is 1) not stay long term with a cheater but 2) stay long enough to figure out the real deal and get the best settlement possible. If #2 means that you have to suck up and hide your hurt and act fake, then for the sake of your child, do that.

I have been in your shoes. I opened a letter from the doctor's office that my now exDH left lying on the mail table for months. The contents made it clear that he had had sex while we were married. Even though my evidence was incontrovertible, I bided my time. I began to go thru cell phone bill records -- looking at and googling all unknown phone numbers as well as looking at call times. I reviewed charges on our joint credit cards. I peeked at his cell from time to time. I put a key logger on our home computer. I kept track of he mileage on the car and compared it to where he said he was going. I searched coat pockets periodically for receipts.

What I found was eye-opening. There was, of course, far more going on than I knew and it was all seriously troubling. When I finally confronted him, I shared some pieces of evidence I found and I withheld others. He begged me to stay, and I said I would consider it if he told the whole truth and we got counseling.

Sadly, he chose to continue to hide the truth from me, tell me more lies and ultimately, I kicked him out. Although that period after finding out was HELL, in retrospect, I'm really glad I had the strength to not confront him immediately. From the day I kicked him out, I was able to look back and know that I made the only possible decision and that it was the absolute best one for me and my kids. I never was ensnared by his repeated attempts over the next few years to get back together, and I never had any doubts about the divorce. That was a priceless freedom, that I paid for in part by the very high stress of keeping what I found secret and watching the lies unfold.

In the end, during our split, I finally disclosed more of the things I knew and the lies I had caught him in. Although this has absolutely no bearing on legal custody and support proceedings, psychologically it gave me a huge advantage. He didn't want me to tell all our friends and family about the real situation. He knew I had evidence (documents, screen shots, key logging, etc.) that I could disclose if he tried to tell people that the split was my fault. All of that gave me leverage to force him into a custody and child support settlement that I felt was best for me and the kids.

I really encourage you to get a grip on your emotions and use your brain to look for evidence and figure out what is going on. Then, based on what you find, you can talk with him.

[Anonymous]

Go cheat on Jim' most cheaters would die if their spouse did the same, and leave evidence. Match box, fab some of the guys cologne on yourself. Don't fivorce, just cheat as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a bit of a panick here and need some advice. I found condoms in my husband's gym bag. We do not use condoms. Do i confront him now or wait for more evidence? And if i wait, how do i get the evidence? If i say something now, he will just deny it and make some excuse - they are old, i didnt even know they were there, i use them to masterbate. Ive been down this road before, unfortunately.

Any help? I am not thinking straight.

You've caught him cheating before? Consult an attorney and get the jump on him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I thought about that. The only problem with that is the next opportunity he has to cheat will be two weeks from now. And we are supposed to gomaway on a trip between now and then. Im not sure i can keep it together.

That's tough. I think you need to get into the email/phone as soon as possible.

Yes, i will get tot the phone. The thing is tat he is savvy with technology and not stupid enought to leave me something to find. Esp since he is on his second chance.

Yet he left low-tech condoms where you could easily find them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

OP, and I'm not asking to be snarky, what do you want out of this conversation? Are you trying to get more information out of him? If so, what information? Do you think he's likely to be honest, or that you're likely to be able to trust what he says? Are you looking to just see how he reacts? Are you looking for an opportunity to vent? What is your goal here?

A little more info would help me give more advice on how to structure the conversation.

Ideally I would like him to admit that he is cheating although this is not going to happen most likely. So actually i dont know what i am looking for. Mostly i think i am looking to relieve me of keeping the condoms a secret? I dont know honestly. This just happened and i am a mess.

How did you catch him last time?

[Anonymous]

You're way nicer than I am OP. I would be packing his shit and making a craft out of the condoms so he would know exactly what was going on when he picked up his bag on the front stoop.

Good luck with whatever you decide. You deserve a much better husband. One that respects you and his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Should i tell dh that i found the condoms or just ask him if hes cheating on me and wait to see what he says? This is happening tonight, I can't wait.

I haven't read the full thread, but could whether he is cheating affect child custody arrangements in your state, if you do divorce? You may want to talk with a lawyer before you confront, in case more evidence is needed. Though you want to confront, there could be a lot at stake.

+1. Op I know this is really hard but this is the second time. You need to decide now if you can keep Putting up with this. If so that's fine go ahead and confront him. But if not you really need to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Do not confront until you have spoken with an attorney.

Fwiw I don't think I have ever been in your shoes. If this happened to me I am not sure if I would go or stay. But if I did decide to go I would wait and collect as much evidence as possible.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. You need to first off have a plan. He might make an excuse, he might admit to it. You need to decide what to do either way. I would have bags packed for you and the baby in the car (even just for the weekend) incase you want to leave after the discussion. Flat out tell him you found the condoms and want to know what's going on. Ask to see his phone (agreed with the PP's, don't let him do anything on it first).

What will you do if he admits to it?

What will you do if he makes up ridiculous excuses?

Do you have money for a new place? Would you kick him out? If that's the case pack a bag for him instead of you and the baby and ask him to leave for the weekend to give you some space.

So sorry again OP, just a horrible situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I thought about that. The only problem with that is the next opportunity he has to cheat will be two weeks from now. And we are supposed to gomaway on a trip between now and then. Im not sure i can keep it together.

That's tough. I think you need to get into the email/phone as soon as possible.

Yes, i will get tot the phone. The thing is tat he is savvy with technology and not stupid enought to leave me something to find. Esp since he is on his second chance.

Check the cell phone records. Mine keeps records of the numbers I text/call or receive texts/calls from.

[Anonymous]

I'm not at all experienced in this situation, OP. But it sounds pretty craptastic.

Can I ask, what is the point of proving that he's been unfaithful? Does it provide you with a legal advantage in a divorce? Can you find out if it does?

Because if it doesn't then I don't see what the point is in gathering proof. If you have all the evidence you need--even if it's that he's cheated in the past and you don't want to be with someone you can't trust--then act on your instincts to separate and divorce.

A man who doesn't want to admit he's done wrong will--even when confronted with the truth--still find a way to blame you. You're not sexy enough, loving enough, attractive enough, or whatever. Who needs that?

Just dump the barstard if he's dumpworthy in your own mind.

Who's a lawyer here and can answer to the question of value-added for proof/evidence of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

This thread has the feel of others that are more chat in nature by the OP...so...don't think this is real.

That said...we don't use condoms but I bought some because I intend to use them during anal...which we don't engage in often. So, if she found them before.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:take them out. take a photo of how many are there. put them back. check again later and see how many are missing. then confront him.

And take pictures of EVERYTHING

Even if you dont want a divorce right now, keep the photos just to be safe

Try hard to document any confessions he makes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. If you have a baby, you need to do what's best for the baby which is 1) not stay long term with a cheater but 2) stay long enough to figure out the real deal and get the best settlement possible. If #2 means that you have to suck up and hide your hurt and act fake, then for the sake of your child, do that.

I have been in your shoes. I opened a letter from the doctor's office that my now exDH left lying on the mail table for months. The contents made it clear that he had had sex while we were married. Even though my evidence was incontrovertible, I bided my time. I began to go thru cell phone bill records -- looking at and googling all unknown phone numbers as well as looking at call times. I reviewed charges on our joint credit cards. I peeked at his cell from time to time. I put a key logger on our home computer. I kept track of he mileage on the car and compared it to where he said he was going. I searched coat pockets periodically for receipts.

What I found was eye-opening. There was, of course, far more going on than I knew and it was all seriously troubling. When I finally confronted him, I shared some pieces of evidence I found and I withheld others. He begged me to stay, and I said I would consider it if he told the whole truth and we got counseling.

Sadly, he chose to continue to hide the truth from me, tell me more lies and ultimately, I kicked him out. Although that period after finding out was HELL, in retrospect, I'm really glad I had the strength to not confront him immediately. From the day I kicked him out, I was able to look back and know that I made the only possible decision and that it was the absolute best one for me and my kids. I never was ensnared by his repeated attempts over the next few years to get back together, and I never had any doubts about the divorce. That was a priceless freedom, that I paid for in part by the very high stress of keeping what I found secret and watching the lies unfold.

In the end, during our split, I finally disclosed more of the things I knew and the lies I had caught him in. Although this has absolutely no bearing on legal custody and support proceedings, psychologically it gave me a huge advantage. He didn't want me to tell all our friends and family about the real situation. He knew I had evidence (documents, screen shots, key logging, etc.) that I could disclose if he tried to tell people that the split was my fault. All of that gave me leverage to force him into a custody and child support settlement that I felt was best for me and the kids.

I really encourage you to get a grip on your emotions and use your brain to look for evidence and figure out what is going on. Then, based on what you find, you can talk with him.

Best advice so far. It will be really hard to keep this all a secret, but it is worth doing for your child -- especially if he make more money than you do.