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I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.
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Anonymous
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OP, the person I feel really bad for is your DH's brother. He seems a reasonable man in an impossibly difficult situation. I think that from now on, it is best that your DH and yourself communicate with that couple only through your BIL - do not talk to your SIL directly if you can help it.
Your BIL needs to understand that your SIL is the one tearing the family apart, and that she cannot cause a rift between aunt and niece/nephew before the child is even born. Can you imagine how bad she'll be in 20 years time if she's like this now? Not only does she need therapy before she enters any kind of surrogacy arrangement, but she needs therapy for EVERYTHING. And you absolutely should not go through with this for now. She had better apologize to you as well. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry but she sounds like a horrible person and I truly believe her infertility is the universe's way of protecting her future children from having her as a mother. Walk away and don't look back. |
Anonymous
| Walk away!!!! Please save yourself and do NOT do this!!! |
Anonymous
OP's SIL sounds batshit. But you sound like a terrible human being. Good luck with your just-world hypothesis. I hope you realize someday how deluded and self-serving it is. |
Anonymous
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My heart breaks for your SIL. 9 year of infertility and losing a baby at 34 weeks? That's enough to push anyone off the deep end. Her child died, she is deep in grief. And it's clearly making her crazy.
Empathy empathy empathy. She has been torn apart by this struggle. That doesn't mean you need to do this. In fact, I don't think you should unless you SIL plans on getting some serious therapy. But please, remember, she's had the biggest loss there can be. She had to birth a dead child. Let's give her some emotional leeway here instead of everyone just calling her names. |
Anonymous
I tend to agree with this. I also don't think you should surrogate for her. My sister didn't do this exact same thing- but with slightly changed facts I could see her having done this. She had years of infertility, and a stillbirth. Meanwhile my SIL had 5 children easily. My sister turned on SIL-- she decided she was having children to spite her. She decided that our parents only loved the children who could give them grandchildren. The only thing that ultimately helped her was intensive grief therapy. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm a PP. If you feel up to it, please update us here once you and your DH have formally and firmly told SIL and BIL that the surrogate offer is off the table permanently. From an update you gave a few pages back it sounds as if you are not going to do this, and that is the right decision for your own family and yourself; you have to put your own husband and kids first here.
Just hoping that SIL will not harass and abuse you when you say no, and that BIL -- who sounds like a good guy in a horrible situation -- will not continue to plead for you to do this, once you and husband have been crystal clear that there is no surrogacy offer. Please take care to leave no possible opening where BIL might have (false) hope you'd change your mind again. It's really key that your husband and BIL keep in close touch, because it sounds as if BIL may really need his brother's support and help, especially if the marriage frays or ends. I'm so sorry for everyone in this situation, including SIL, who sounds like she is truly damaged and needs very serious help. I hope your DH can convince BIL to work to get SIL into some intensive therapy for what is, after all, grief; she is grieving the loss of the family she pictured in her mind, and is unable to see past that grief. |
Anonymous
| A baby should not be brought into this mess. There could be two divorces looming. |
Anonymous
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OP, other posters have pretty much nailed it. Don't do it.
Sadly, although I know this is a gift you'd really like to give them, in either circumstance (you do it or don't), I'm sorry to say, either way is going to rip the family apart. If you do become the gestational surrogate, she will always be pissed that you had her child(ren). It's pret obvious from her "conditions" that she will do her best to drive a wedge deep enough that there is no questions that she is the one and only mother. Surrogacy in itself is not always a perfect path either- what will happen if gosh forbid, you miscarry or get injured or ill? You or I know that this is simply the horrible part of life... She will likely spare no wrath in making it your "fault". And if you don't do it for them, your family hurts too. I can't imagine the pain of infertility, but SIL needs some serious grief counselling before you should even consider this. OP, whatever you decide, as hard as it will be to swallow, know that none of this is your fault or responsibility. SIL may try to deflect it that way, but it's not. Not bringing a child that you've carried, into the kind of situation you're describing is the healthiest and most responsible choice you can make. |
Anonymous
Sorry meant- your "fault" that she can't have children now (or maybe ever). She will turn it to you trying to undermine her again. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't. Given the SIL's reaction, I would simply stay out of their infertility issues. Completely and utterly. I understand that SIL is in a lot of pain, but that does not give you license to be so cruel and unkind to others. And she clearly has major issues surrounding surrogacy that she needs to work on before embarking on that course of action. I would stay out of it. |
Anonymous
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Some people here are being unbelievably harsh on SIL, but as the pp who called her an unstable person in an unstable marriage, I think a distinction needs to be made here. Just because someone is in incredible pain, pain that makes those who love her want to help, doesn't mean that the people who reach out need to take on that person's pain for her--which is what OP would be doing under SIL's restrictions. When the pain is this great that it spills over into everyone else in the family, the other family members really must have good boundaries to keep it from becoming their problem. Because this is not the MIL/FIL's problem or OP's family's problem, despite BIL and SIL's efforts to mitigate their own pain by engaging them in it. This is exactly exactly what therapy is for. I can't imagine that a couple that's been through this much infertility and loss would NOT be familiar with therapy.
While I think what OP has done is laudable, I think she did make one tactical error here, and that's springing the offer on BIL and SIL when all 4 were together. The suggestion should have been made brother to brother and rolled out more slowly "we're considering this but need to check with professionals," weeks later "we talked to a lawyer and think we can do it if XYZ," weeks later "we talked to a doctor and they say it's possible, do you want to get together and discuss how to proceed," etc. This would have given both families time to adjust independently to the idea before coming together to discuss. A lot of mess could likely have been avoided. Hindsight is 20/20 and OP shouldn't beat herself up over this, but honestly, what a shock that must have been for BIL and SIL. |
Anonymous
| Nothing to add here, except overwhelming support for you. You have already received well-thought out advice which, for the most part, has been consistent in its support of you. Pray for them, but know that this is not yourS to own. |
Anonymous
Agree. Your instincts are right on with wanting to back out. This is going to be an untenable situation. |
Anonymous
| You came to her with love, and she came to you in anger. Imagine how she is going to act once the baby is born. She will isolate you from her family. Your family will be torn apart regardless. Do not do this! |