I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

OP you tried to do a good thing but your SIL unfortunately cannot receive it. I think your instincts to back out now, before it's really too late, are right. Your SIL cannot handle you being a surragote for her, and honestly she may not be able to handle it from anyone at this point. Bow out of this situation. Sorry you are going through this OP.

[Anonymous]

Your heart was in the right place, but you cannot go through with this. She is a broken person. You can't fix her. Giving her a baby won't fix her. You can't win...it's a bad situation all around.

If it were me, I'd have your husband explain to his brother that after reviewing her list, you TWO simply can't deliver.

[Anonymous]

Wow! So glad you have your dh's support! You would just be the gestational surrogate, right? In any event, you need to take care of yourself and your nuclear family. The fact that she is begrudging you your 4 kids is completely out of line. SIL and BIL need therapy before you can even consider moving forward. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that from what you've described, SIL should never, ever be a mom or entrusted with a child - she sounds seriously unhinged.

It's sad. There are many infertile people who would make wonderful parents. There are also many people who have kids, who clearly should have never been allowed to have kids. Life is inherently unfair, unfortunately.

But this women should never be a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your offer is incredibly generous and one that was fraught with all kinds of emotional baggage. But the baggage isn't yours to deal with - it's your BIL's issue to deal with his wife. He knows the demands are unreasonable and it's up to him, working with her, to bring her around.

In a similar vein, it's up to your DH to tell his brother, "Look, we love you and want to help you, but what your wife is asking for is unreasonable and she needs to relax and deal with it now or we can't live with this."

Give your BIL a chance to actually deal with the issue.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think they should find a non related surrogate which takes the emotion out of some.of their expectations. I think it is so bizarre to ask anyone, including an unrelated surrogate to not find pleasure /pain in pregnancy. Wow.
Do not take upon yourself your husbands rship with his brother or they might divorce. Sounds like they were already at their breaking point and that resentments were being sent your familys way in heaps.
I dont completely fault her. It sounds like she has been suffering for a long time. The offer of yours, while generous, sounds like its just too close for comfort and is raising so many emotions and fears. Better to leave it alone.
You sound very kind op for even thinking twice. But move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your heart was in the right place, but you cannot go through with this. She is a broken person. You can't fix her. Giving her a baby won't fix her.

Well said. OP, she is truly hurting and broken and in need of some serious intervention and help. You can't help her. A baby won't help her. Her husband can't help her.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. She completely overreacted and was out of line.

She probably felt you took her "turns" by having baby after baby, while she had none. Not rational or fair.

Her infertility changed who she is. It's sad it happened to her, but you didn't cause it.

And bottom line is if you changed your mind about being a surrogate mom, that is your right. It's not your responsibility to make sure she becomes a mom.

Signed
A woman that suffered from infertility for 6 years (& had to have a hysterectomy after finally having a child)

[Anonymous]

"Sil and bil, you know we love you very much but sil you are rude and you must understand that not everyone has children just to spite you. Everything is not about you. I am sorry for your losses but your behavior shows that you are not mature enough to handle this. For that reason, I will no longer be your surrogate. I wish you the best of luck but our relationship cannot exist like this."

Why do you care what bil thinks? He needs to handle his domestic life and get his wife some help.

[Anonymous]

OP I am very sorry you have to deal with this. You sound like a warm, caring and generous person and under the right circumstances your offer would be a lovely gift.

Your SIL sounds mentally unwell, whether this is from years of IF or something else we have no way to know.

But you can't fix her. You want to, but you can't. There will be no final "action" that will be a salve to all her woes. By agreeing to surrogacy you will be putting yourself in the eye of her storm, certainly for the 9 mos of the pregnancy but also after. Her mental illness will not just disappear with the arrival of a beautiful baby.

I foresee much drama and conflict with this woman, holidays ruined, angry fits until eventually no one is speaking anymore.

Her complete lack of respect for you as an adult woman with her accusations and lists of demands demonstrates this.

Please send her love, support etc but DO NOT DO SURROGACY.

If you are in a financial position to make a loan, or if the IL are, that is a concrete way to show support.

GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would completely forgive her. She's been through hell. But I wouldn't be a surrogate. It sounds like she doesn't want you to but is saying yes with conditions because the husband made her say yes.

+1
I totally agree. Be gentle about how this is too much for you and DH and not unfortunately realistic. Give them some space. I imagine you are really mad but realize they are grieving too. Hopefully things will be more reasonable when they settle a bit.

[Anonymous]

She's batshit crazy and does not deserve a child. I'm serious. DO NOT give her a child. EVER.

[Anonymous]

She is an emotional wreck. Forgive her. But don't do it. At most, consider offering financial help to find a surrogate.

[Anonymous]

Could you offer some money to help them out in place of being a surrogate? Might soften the blow a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would completely forgive her. She's been through hell. But I wouldn't be a surrogate. It sounds like she doesn't want you to but is saying yes with conditions because the husband made her say yes.

Yep, that.