I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound like she is emotionally stable and therefore I would say back away from this any way you can. If she is acting like this now, before you are pregnant, who knows what she will be like when there is actually a child in the picture. Maybe she would calm down and the baby would bring her peace. But she also might get worse and it could end up being very painful for you, and your own children and DH. Not calling you "aunt" is not a good sign.

It may be that she made this list consciously or unconsciously to convince you to back out. She may just not want you to be her surrogate, and maybe her husband wouldn't turn it down. If that is the case, you really should not be doing this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible at all that somehow your SIL has the impression that her DH will be sleeping with you and that she doesn't understand the surrogacy process? Will you just be carrying the baby or will you also be an egg donor and carry the baby?

[Anonymous]

I feel very sorry for your SIL. But I think you should retract your kind offer.

As a couple PPs have noted, what if something goes wrong with the pregnancy? Or what if something's wrong with the baby? You will be blamed and you will be the target of what follows.

What do your in-laws say? And why does your SIL want to move in with you during the pregnancy? Especially if you're not allowed to talk about how you're feeling?

Sad situation all around.

[Anonymous]

OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible at all that somehow your SIL has the impression that her DH will be sleeping with you and that she doesn't understand the surrogacy process? Will you just be carrying the baby or will you also be an egg donor and carry the baby?

OP: I'd be a gestational carrier and she is aware. They are trying to figure out how to pay for surrogacy right now, because she doesn't want to adopt and they have depleted their savings and cashed in everything they can for their previous fertility treatments. Not having to pay me to carry the baby, would greatly decrease the costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

Your DH and his brother sound like wonderful men

[Anonymous]

Also, if this woman were to live with you for 9 months she would monitor your every move.... Everything you eat, any medicines, how much TV you are watching. Nightmare. Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying you should do this, but if you have the finances, you could offer to pay a surrogate to carry the child. I would not do it because there's too much emotion in it now. But you can still help if you are able.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound nice and that your heart is in the right place. But you also sound pretty naive about what can happen to a couple when they struggle with infertility as much as they have (all the heart ache not to mention the financial part) Anyways, I work with people who are going through infertility. I'd like to say a couple of things that I took away from what you've said

1. What your SIL is going through is something that you can never understand. A lot of women go through their lives expecting that they will have a biological child. Coming to terms with the fact that they won't is a grieving process. Add that into the stress that she's already experiencing with the loss each month of not being pregnant (as well as any actual miscarriages)

2. While it may seem irrational to you, it is completely common for infertile women to wonder if their husbands wish they had married someone else who could have babies. I'm willing to bet some of her hostility towards you stems from this. She has probably thought "well since OP can get pregnant so easily, I bet DH wishes he was the one who married her and not his brother. Then he'd have 4 great kids right now".

3. She may be happy that you're offering to be a surrogate. But that comes with another slap in the face of "Oh look at OP, look how easy it is for her to get pregnant. Now she can carry my baby. And I can't"

4. I'm not saying you come off as insensitive, but I think you're not really realizing what it must be like for her.

5. Regarding the demands. She likely wrote them when she was upset. But its also not uncommon for the moms to try to assert a lot of control over the surrogacy because that's their tie to the baby. There may be a baby shower but she won't be the one showing, etc. So controlling the pregnancy as if she was the one carrying the baby is pretty common. d

I agree with the PP's who have mentioned a group counselor would be very beneficial in this situation. Your SIL is grieving, angry, and hurt. You're hurt as well. You need a mediator to help you work these things out instead of just deciding she's unstable and in an unstable marriage and you are going to ruin your family.

+1. I have experienced infertility and I agree with all these points. I also agree with the PP who observed that SIL doesn't want to do this but is getting pressured by BIL. Sounds like SIL does not want to become a mother through adoption---which is what this would be, right? This would be the bio-child of OP and her husband---not a true gestational surrogacy where the surrogate is an "incubator".

If SIL doesn't want to adopt, but BIL had been pushing for it---then OP's offer has put her in a more difficult position---since BIL may be thrilled that he's at least getting some genetic component of himself replicated through his brother's DNA. OP needs to step back and realize that while she was well-meaning, she needs to be mindful and respectful of SIL's seemingly complicated feelings about whether she wants to be a mother to a child which is not biologically hers. It used to gall me to no end when my friends with children would suggest to me ---albeit with the best of intentions-- "why don't you adopt?" The answer is that some women simply don't want to. They may not feel like they will love an adopted child as much as a biological one. They may simply not want to do all the work of motherhood for a being with whom they do not share a genetic link. SIL may have all of these feelings, along with the burden of worrying that her marriage may fail if she does not agree to adoption, and she may be unable to articulate these feelings to anyone for fear of being judged for not embracing the adoption or "adoption through surrogacy" option.
She may very well feel like she is being forced by her husband to embrace a path to parenthood that she does not want to take.

OP---she may be too mad/jealous of you right now to be able to have a reasonable conversation---but my suggestion would be to approach her non-judgmentally with "I have not lived with this pain, but I am trying to understand it." Give her the space to admit that she doesn't want a child unless it is biologically hers, and do NOT judge her for having those feelings---as you thankfully never had to undertake that sort of self-examination.

And OP---you may have done or said many things that you may not even realize came off as insensitive. I remember coming off failed IVFs and a miscarriage and listening to a friend who had had no trouble getting pregnant complain about her baby and toddler. Typical "mom" stuff---but I finally just looked at her and said, "Do you realize that I would love to have your problems?"

OP---even if SIL was open to the idea (and it sounds like deep down she really isn't), I would still say this is a bad idea because you and your DH appear to be thinking far more about your BIL and SIL than you are about the potential ramifications for the child you would be creating. What will that child think of the circumstances surrounding his or her birth? What if the child never "clicks" with your BIL and SIL and grows up longing to have been with his or her siblings instead? What would you and your DH think if your SIL (or BIL) do not turn out to be good parents? Would this child always grow up feeling like he/she was somehow "less than" his/her bio sibs---because he/she was "manufactured" for someone else?

I have a friend who as a younger woman became an egg donor to her older, infertile sister. Ten years later she told me that she really regretted that decision because of all the complicated feelings it created in her as a result of living in close proximity to her biological child.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP---I missed the post where you said that the child would be SIL and BIL and you are the gestational carrier only. In which case ignore my long post above----had I been your SIL, I would have been elated to have someone offer to carry my bio-child for me. So I don't understand her reactions---unless she is now panicked at the thought that perhaps her difficulties are due to her faulty genetic wiring (e.g., AMA eggs) and that even with you as the carrier---she'd still have a roller coaster ride that could very well end badly.

Infertility is a dark, depressing tunnel and there is no perfect light at the end of it. (the perfect light being the capability to bear your own healthy biological child). So even though your SIL is coming off as crazy and seemingly ungrateful, dig deep into your well of compassion (which you obviously have or else you wouldn't have proposed this) and be kind to her.

[Anonymous]

OP, is SIL a different culture. In some cultures, adoption and surrogacy is a big NO. I would decline saying you are concerned about how it will impact her relationship with your kids as they value her as an aunt and the family dynamics overall. You are a wonderful person for offering but it sounds like a set up for disaster.

[Anonymous]

She is vulnerable, insecure, and immature. Her feelings are completely understandable, but you don't have to bear the brunt of her struggles. You don't have to be her punching bag. Know that her lashing out is not specifically about YOU, but rather a projection of a lot of issues she herself has. Step back and wish them well, but try not to intertwine too much in their lives during this juncture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you should do this, but if you have the finances, you could offer to pay a surrogate to carry the child. I would not do it because there's too much emotion in it now. But you can still help if you are able.

Do not do this OP. You owe this woman nothing and she's been a total ass to you. Also you mentioned helping pay for fertility treatment before. If you could offer this again that would be wonderful but I wouldn't spend a ton, just show you care. Your family is your number one priority.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read every page, but I did read OPs whole post.

OP, you have to do what is best for you, and it sounds like the answer is that you should rescind your offer. If she is like this now and has given you this list of unreasonable-sounding demands, then imagine how stressed you would be living with this woman for the ENTIRE pregnancy... almost a year. You'd be on ten ALLLLL the time! And if anything happened to you or the baby during gestation, SIL would probably go nuts and blame you. And I can see an accusation about your being the surrogate as a way to continue flaunting your flawless fertility coming from miles away.

SIL has been through a lot, and I'm sure it would unravel my head too. But I really hope she seeks therapy to deal with the trauma of her losses and also help her marriage. This is something you do not need to be in the middle of.

It's great that you and DH are on the same page. And since you are in agreement, then do that choice and don't feel guilted into being the stressed-out surrogate.

[Anonymous]

I've been dealing with infertility for 4 years, did DE and had a stillbirth. So I know the pain of IF and dealing with different types of grief. That being said, this is what I think...

On one hand, due to delicate family dynamics, saying "You are nuts. I'm totally not going to do GC for you anymore" might not be plausible. So you might have to say, "It seems like our offer has stirred up some emotions. I can't agree to the conditions you have laid out. I understand they are very important to you and it would be unfair to you (internal eye-roll) if I agree then aren't able to comply."

If you have to, go to group counseling to see if you can come up with a compromise. But I see any competent counselor seeing that she is not a good candidate for a familial GC.

Honestly, I have a feeling she will never be okay with you being her GC. In therapy she will just learn how to cover her feelings and make it seem like everything is okay and that she accepts the situation. But underneath she will be a writhing ball of anger and blame.

What I would want to say is, "Nope, not going to lie to my kids. Not going to have you live in my house. Not going to distance myself from my niece due to your insecurity. Not going to NOT complain about pregnancy (because let's be honest, I was thrilled to finally be pregnant, but the actual pregnancy sucked). "

Just remember, if things blow up, it's not your fault. You did something nice, kind and generous. If things blow up, it's because she is in lots of pain and is taking it out on everything around her.