I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Please come back and let use know how this plays out.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all of this thread so if I am repeating someone, I apologize.

First, your sil is obviously very emotionally fragile and immature.

I think I would explain that you are not comfortable with her needs during this process. Moving in with you and then dictating how you can express yourself in your own home is unreasonable.

But most importantly you have children who will need some sort of explanation of this experience and she will interfere with that as well. Deal breaker. My kids, my body, my choice. She does not seem to feel this is coming fm a place of llove. She has not anticipated the confusion for your older children who are entitled to honest answers about a complex problem and she does not get to do that. You really need to bow out. I think they need to move one. She resents you enormously now and will only resent you more, I am afraid.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't accuse her of being unstable or difficult either. Keep it calm and reasonable in tone. "The list of terms that you have for doing this isn't going to work for me. I want to help you, but we aren't in the same place on this, and we aren't going to be able to make it work out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you could not afford a car but your neighbor pumped out a brand new shiny car every other year would you be jealous? What if he had four in the driveway? What if he offered to give you the next one? Would you be grateful? What if he wanted to come over and take it for a spin sometime? I know it's not the same but still I think you need to reflect on your abundance and how it contrasts with her emptiness. Take into consideration how much harder it is to factor in family dynamics. No one wants to be the poor sibling dependent on handouts from the successful. Clearly your SIL has a great deal of anguish over her perceptions of acceptance into the family. It's not just the SIL who has to step back and look at how this family functions but everyone. This takes time. Why not ask if everyone can do therapy for a while and then revisit the offer? A gift is only a gift if there are no expectations attached.

You are an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you could not afford a car but your neighbor pumped out a brand new shiny car every other year would you be jealous? What if he had four in the driveway? What if he offered to give you the next one? Would you be grateful? What if he wanted to come over and take it for a spin sometime? I know it's not the same but still I think you need to reflect on your abundance and how it contrasts with her emptiness. Take into consideration how much harder it is to factor in family dynamics. No one wants to be the poor sibling dependent on handouts from the successful. Clearly your SIL has a great deal of anguish over her perceptions of acceptance into the family. It's not just the SIL who has to step back and look at how this family functions but everyone. This takes time. Why not ask if everyone can do therapy for a while and then revisit the offer? A gift is only a gift if there are no expectations attached.

Not everyone has a jealous personality. I know lots of people in my life who can afford more than me and I don't focus on what they have and what I don't.

[Anonymous]

NP here. If I repeat any ideas/comments expressed above, I apologize. I made it through the first 5 pages before deciding to comment.

OP, I have been dealing with infertility for over two years, but my DH and I have had nowhere near the experiences your BIL and SIL have had. Through all of the procedures (IUI, IVF, etc) I have had, I've never once had a confirmed pregnancy, and I was supposedly an "easy case" (just PCOS here). On some of the message boards I frequent, I've seen the effects of infertility described as a sort of PTSD for some women, particularly those who have been through the multiple losses and emotional upheavals that your SIL has experienced. The feelings of inadequacy at what should be the most basic of human functions, creating life, are debilitating at times, and I have had lots of days where I doubt myself, feel like I'm "broken", and wonder if my DH would have been better off with someone else. I am generally an upbeat, positive person with a great career and supportive friends and family, so if I feel that way, I can't imagine how a woman in your SIL's shoes would feel. I'm sure it feels like everyone around her is popping out babies left and right, but her misplaced anger towards you is just not healthy. My BIL and SIL, whom I love dearly, had a surprise baby while SIL was on birth control. We gained a beautiful, sweet little niece, but I have to admit that situation really stung for a while. I certainly don't resent my SIL for providing the first grandchild, and I adore my niece. My heart goes out to both your SIL and your BIL, as well as you and your husband.

Nevertheless, her demands of you were completely uncalled for. It sounds like she and her husband have a major difference of opinion on how a child should come into their lives. I'm betting that she would prefer to live "childfree not by choice" if she is unable to carry and give birth to her own biological child. It is perfectly acceptable for couples suffering with infertility to find resolution in that manner, but I'm assuming that she and her husband don't see eye to eye on that topic. It sounds to me like she is being pushed into using surrogacy, and that is just adding to her overall resentment.

If she has not had counseling, both individually for herself and together with her husband, seems like this is an opportune time for it. Hopefully that would help her to make some sort of peace with her situation and move on. She has been dealing with years of disappointment and grief, and it is eventually going to destroy her if she doesn't find some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you could not afford a car but your neighbor pumped out a brand new shiny car every other year would you be jealous? What if he had four in the driveway? What if he offered to give you the next one? Would you be grateful? What if he wanted to come over and take it for a spin sometime? I know it's not the same but still I think you need to reflect on your abundance and how it contrasts with her emptiness. Take into consideration how much harder it is to factor in family dynamics. No one wants to be the poor sibling dependent on handouts from the successful. Clearly your SIL has a great deal of anguish over her perceptions of acceptance into the family. It's not just the SIL who has to step back and look at how this family functions but everyone. This takes time. Why not ask if everyone can do therapy for a while and then revisit the offer? A gift is only a gift if there are no expectations attached.

Not everyone has a jealous personality. I know lots of people in my life who can afford more than me and I don't focus on what they have and what I don't.

Exactly. Some people may struggle with jealousy, but certainly not everyone. The SIL may have suffered a lot, but from what the OP reports she said now and in the past, she seems like she always was very self-centered and narcissistic. You can't help people like that. All you can do is step away.

[Anonymous]

SIL is in pain. Pain makes people selfish. Lashing out at you is her choice. Hold her accountable - i.e., DON'T give her a pass for her actions just because she is in pain. Come on people, quit making excuses for the SIL.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your BIL did not discuss this with his wife ahead of time. Surrogacy is an emotional topic for some. My DH and BIL also made an insuation about me being a surrrogate for my SIL and she seemed very embarrassed and pissed when they made the comment about me carrying a baby for her. But there was no big blow out. It would be better if it were your SILs idea. She may want a child but maybe surrogacy is not something she is interested in. It sounds like BIL really wants a child though so maybe she feels pressured to produce a child to keep the marriage together. Either way you and your DH need to back away now and not further meddle in their fertility issues.

[Anonymous]

She is insane. Do not do this. At the very least, do not condemn a child to be raised by this woman. Seriously. She's just, nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's their journey and I think you have to let them take it. Tell them you aren't interested in the surrogacy offer anymore and give them space.

This . . . although I'd change the bolded phrase to something like "Tell them you can't agree to surrogacy under those conditions".

[Anonymous]

PP again, just read whole thread.

Look, I dealt with fertility problems/losses too. So I am sympathetic. But her reaction was just over the top. My jaw literally dropped several times reading OP's first post.

Tell SIL/BIL "We are so sorry. Given the upheaval our offer has cause for you, plus the requirements you would have for a surrogate, we are unable to follow through on the surrogacy."

And that's the end of it. Do not offer money, do not offer to be a surrogate under other conditions. Remove yourself from this problem. No good deed will go unpunished in this case.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with those posters who say your and DH's intentions were well reasoned and researched. However, when presented and followed up with DIL's demands, your offer necessarily could not move forward for the well-being of your family. Your son will be "10" at the birth of the baby, and even he will know that you were pregnant with a baby - and now "Where is the baby - my brother or sister?" This simple question and how you would handle it with SIL/BIL would have been almost top priority with a healthy pregnancy because for his mental health and your family, he would have every right to know and understand - assuming, too, that the child would be living closeby.

Your SIL wanted to monopolize not only your pregnancy, but your entire family's life for at least 9 months. Again, totally out of line for your family and never mind the added stress to you in pregnancy. By any measure, you are now in an at-risk category in getting pregnant in any case simply in terms of age, and you know you would not need to add any other stress factors. Finaly, you have 7 month old infant who needs a sound, sane and rational Mom to love him as you have the first three and not some crazy, harpie living in the household and tryng to control everyone's strings - probably including no sex for you and DH during the allotted pregnancy.

Your offer was made in love and consideration, but you and DH may not have considered carefully the direct impact of this woman's hurt and instability on your own children as well as yourselves. And, I would include such issues in any further clarification of your now change of mind. A 10 year old boy is not a 6 year old boy - he has eyes, ears and most of all "an inquiring mind and a mouth!!!" To not be able to inform him in an appropriate manner - if he could understand it - would be then telling him to lie and do you want that??

If you and DH and the In-Laws wanted to do anything, it might be to come up with a dollar figure that you would still be willing to pay to cover the cost of a surrogacy attempt, but nothing more. Sad you all had to go through so much turmoil, but perhaps you and DH had not fully considered the ramifications on your own four children. You have four kids who need you and DH and the family values you have and not SIL's "Don't Look/Dn't Touch/Don't Tell" mentality......You and DH might abide by it, but no way a 10 year old could be expected to do so.

[Anonymous]

A PP here. I would not bow out saying it's the terms, because that could open the door for attempts to negotiate. Have your DH talk to his brother and explain that it was a bad idea and it's not going to work out.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if someone already mentioned this, but what happens if there's something wrong with the baby? She's going to blame the OP for eternity -- it will be the OP's fault, she did something, etc.