I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

She sounds extremely unstable and on the verge of a divorce. Of course the demands are unreasonable, cold-hearted, and in some cases impossible to uphold. It's like you want to hate her but at the same time, all those awful losses must have taken their toll. Which one of them is against adoption? I'm guessing it's her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a very kindhearted person, and I agree with most of the previous posters that you should definitely withdraw your offer. You would never, ever satisfy her list of conditions because she is trying to set you up to fail.

[Anonymous]

I think there should definitely be individual and group therapy before progressing- even if her reaction had not been this awful. I would wait 3-4 months before doing anything drastic... Either way. Ask them to seek counseling about this. It may work out- it may not. But at least you will l have professional help to work through the various emotions.

[Anonymous]

We may have our first 2015 DCUM consensus.

No, no and no. For all reasons above.

Oh btw if you do go through with it, she'll hate you for it. She'll find a reason to hate you for it. Doesn't take much, she thinks you had four children to spite her; wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When someone shows you their true self, believe them.

In your opinion, OP, was your SIL always this narcissistic? Perhaps she hid it well? My mother is like this. Everything always has to be about her. Nothing is ever her fault and she always needs to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even if it's blatantly irrational and crazy. However, she does a wonderful job being charming to strangers and only goes haywire with close family members. The minute you offered to be a surrogate you sealed your doom, poor OP.

So, you definitely don't want to offer such a service to someone who will not be properly grateful for it. Say you want to think it over because the demands are irrational and disrespectful. Then allow a good long time before you finally regretfully decline. Take comfort in the fact that you are not responsible for the family break-up that will inevitably follow. Actually, I'm sure BIL will forgive you. SIL may leave the family, which perhaps wouldn't be so bad...

OP here, thank you everyone for this support, I really needed it and I am glad I made the decision to post. I am emotionally wrung out right now. I like the idea of offering to help financially, we have in the past here and there with IVF costs. There is so much good advice here, I want my DH to read it too.

As for my SIL, if this is her true self, she did indeed hide it well. Though I remembered when DH's cousin was struggling getting pregnant, it had been about 6 months of trying, she said something like "you aren't pregnant because you are fat, this is what infertility looks like" and she pulled her shirt up to show bruising from shots and her stretch marks. She said "these are from a dead baby, not big macs" and she started crying hysterically. Everyone wrote it off as hormones. Even cousin forgave her even though they have a somewhat frosty relationship. Oh and cousin does have pcos but has had two children with, I think its IUI?

[Anonymous]

Please, please do not do this. It's not enough for her husband to say that she'll get past these insane demands. That is too big an "if." And being her surrogate will tie you and her together for life -- that is one thing she deeply, profoundly fears, hence the many conditions about not expressing pain or even happiness at carrying a child, or not telling anyone you are a surrogate (by the way-how does she expect you to explain it to people when one day you are nine months pregnant, the next you are not, and there is no new baby in your home? Would she have you lie and say you lost your baby at the 11th hour? Seriously? Or are you never to go out into public from the moment the pregnancy shows? That one request alone is evidence she is out of all touch with reality.)

OP, don't involve yourself in this exceptionally intimate way with a person who is this upset, angry, unreasonable and in deep need of long, long years of professional help. She may be a lovely person in every aspect of herself except this one issue of children. But her reaction is so very extreme that you just cannot trust that she might come around, might be more sensible, etc.

And consider: How would you and your husband explain all this to YOUR kids? Not the idea of surrogacy itself -- that is explainable and can be fine for kids to understand. I mean how would you explain it if you carry this child and then your own kids see you being treated like dirt by SIL before the birth and treated like a pariah afterward? Kids DO pick up on stuff like this. If your pregnancy is fraught with tension because SIL is monitoring your adherence to her demands, the kids will know, believe me.

Even if SIL backs off the written list -- she is going to be watching you like a hawk and ready to snatch that baby and run. Not an atmosphere conducive to a good pregnancy.

Your husband needs to deal with BIL; that is not your role here. The brother is, sadly, so in pain wanting a child AND probably feeling he must please his wife. He may see the baby as the last shot at keeping his wife--and a child should never be conceived just to keep a marriage together. I don't have a good feeling about the future of their marriage -- with or without your acting as surrogate. She so clearly needs help.

I hope you won't feel like "We said we'd do it and now we're bad people for backing out." No. You didn't know when you offered that she was so very controlling, and I hope BIL's tears and pleas don't make you cave and do something that has so many red flags all over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's batshit crazy and does not deserve a child. I'm serious. DO NOT give her a child. EVER.

Amen. Whether she deserves a child or not, she is NOT in the right place mentally to have one. OP, I suspect, from all her bizarre conditions and huge resentment of you, that she would not be able to love a child that grew in your womb. Hell, I'm not sure any surrogate would be acceptable to someone who obviously has issues about the child being "hers," and only "hers."

[Anonymous]

Neither DH or I want to do this anymore

You don't do it.

Stop having heart-to-heart discussions. Drop the subject. Give them space.
Be pleasant, but no more discussion of this.
Eventually the relationship should level-out and return to something more stable.

[Anonymous]

I think you're more likely to lose the relationship if you go through with the surrogacy. You would never be trusted and the secret would be just too big to cover up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When someone shows you their true self, believe them.

In your opinion, OP, was your SIL always this narcissistic? Perhaps she hid it well? My mother is like this. Everything always has to be about her. Nothing is ever her fault and she always needs to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even if it's blatantly irrational and crazy. However, she does a wonderful job being charming to strangers and only goes haywire with close family members. The minute you offered to be a surrogate you sealed your doom, poor OP.

So, you definitely don't want to offer such a service to someone who will not be properly grateful for it. Say you want to think it over because the demands are irrational and disrespectful. Then allow a good long time before you finally regretfully decline. Take comfort in the fact that you are not responsible for the family break-up that will inevitably follow. Actually, I'm sure BIL will forgive you. SIL may leave the family, which perhaps wouldn't be so bad...

OP here, thank you everyone for this support, I really needed it and I am glad I made the decision to post. I am emotionally wrung out right now. I like the idea of offering to help financially, we have in the past here and there with IVF costs. There is so much good advice here, I want my DH to read it too.

As for my SIL, if this is her true self, she did indeed hide it well. Though I remembered when DH's cousin was struggling getting pregnant, it had been about 6 months of trying, she said something like "you aren't pregnant because you are fat, this is what infertility looks like" and she pulled her shirt up to show bruising from shots and her stretch marks. She said "these are from a dead baby, not big macs" and she started crying hysterically. Everyone wrote it off as hormones. Even cousin forgave her even though they have a somewhat frosty relationship. Oh and cousin does have pcos but has had two children with, I think its IUI?

Money? No and no again. You have 4 children and the oldest is only 9. If you have mega millions that's another story but then it also would never stop. Your SIL is an angry nasty person. I have adult children now but had difficulty conceiving. Was I mean? No. I enjoyed my nieces and nephews and hoped to be an active participating auntie. Go to some sports events, buy nice gifts, see them at holidays. I do have a miserable SIL who waited to try then developed issues.

They B and SIL resented my parents love for my children and resented them wanting to spend time....Don't give this woman anything-that attitude she had with the list will continue your entire life.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but her losses do not excuse her for acting like a bag of assholes. She needs to get some perspective and understand that other people do things that aren't a personal affront to her. She is not owed a baby because she decided she wants one. Tell her to shove it.

[Anonymous]

My BFF struggles with infertility. We were talking about options and she freaked out when I suggest surrogacy ( not me as a surrogate just getting a surrogate) she said she couldn't deal with that idea. Same reaction to adoption. So maybe some women really just dislike the idea of surrogacy.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH were incredibly generous to offer to be a surrogate for your SIL and BIL. However, given the circumstances, I would take back your offer. If they want total control over a surrogate, they need to pay for one and deal with all the legal stuff separately. One day, your SIL might regret how she treated you, but given her personality, it sounds like she will continue blaming you for any problems she has. If she thinks you were insensitive to have 4 kids when she was infertile, if she doesn't want you to be called "Aunt --" which you are of course, and if she wants to keep the surrogacy a secret, she is too emotionally immature to be a parent. This may be crass, but I think the world is better if she does NOT raise kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Do not do it.

Based on your story, I wonder if there is an unhealthy dynamic between BIL and SIL. Although your offer is wonderful and generous, it is still bittersweet and I can see how BIL's immediate reaction and acceptance may have set SIL off.

Also, SIL is either getting pressure or perceiving pressure from BIL/your ILs about having a child - her feelings of envy and competitiveness re grandchildren are indicative of much deeper issues.

Either way, your SIL is in a whole lot of pain. She is envious of you. Don't give her control over your body. It will only end badly.

[Anonymous]

OP I was a gestational carrier for my brothers husbands wife (my SIL)! I had 3 kids and was done (but 4 pregnancies,we had one still birth as well) and offered it after watching them struggle for over a decade. Lets put the emotions out of it for a second...it was physical HELL. I ended up carrying twins and it RUINED me. A fifth pregnancy (a multiple one at that) in my late 30s was no picnic. Comparing it to my singletons in my late 20s/early and mid 30s is impossible; it was its own beast. So if you have ANY reservations about it emotionally please decline because you may be over estimating what it can do to you physically.