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I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.
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Anonymous
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I know this is DCUM and this is a wall of text but if you don't want to read it just move on. I can't handle a bunch of tldr, you need therapy, troll and asshole for the sake of being an asshole responses right now. Please? I don't even know how to start this, I've spent three days working myself through a rainbow of emotions and I just feel like I need some outside advice.
My SIL (husband's brother's wife) has spent the past 9 years dealing with infertility. Infertility that has involved some horrible loss, strain on her marriage and a scary depletion of finances. They are down to adoption or surrogate as their choices to have children. She and I have been close over the past 12 years that we have known each other. When she was first dealing with infertility she was very open about her issues then I noticed she'd talk about it less and less until we rarely talked about it at all. I knew about what was going on because DH's brother would tell him. They also suffered through two fairly late losses and one 34 week stillborn. Over the past few years I've spun the idea of offering to be her surrogate if it ever came to that. My youngest (I have and wanted four) is 7 months now and we are done having children. So my husband and I spoke with our lawyer and we spoke with a fertility specialist. We wanted to be sure we could and we wanted to before we offered. We know that they have depleted all of their savings and they simply cannot afford surrogacy. My husband had told me that they had had a huge nearly marriage breaking fight over adoption. So we felt that this was the best option. We felt that between us and DH's parents we could help with any other expenses that came up too. We were also aware that they may say no and that there may be some awkwardness but we felt we were prepared. I was not prepared. Soon as my husband got the words out of his mouth his brother started crying and hugging him. I looked at her and she was shaking her head. She finally said "no, absolutely not." I knew they would need time to process the offer so I said, "You two know we are here for you and the offer stands. We love you." DH's husband said "Of course of course this is a blessing, thank you, of course we will. How perfect, keep it in the family." At that she absolutely flipped. The things she said were so hurtful and without basis that I was in shock. My husband started to step in and she told him to shut up. Her husband tried to cut her off and she told him to shut up too. There was so much she said it would take a wall of text but there were two points that honestly, pissed me off. First that I had four children to spite her, I should have been sensitive to her infertility and stopped at two. If I had stopped at two she could have been a mother years ago. Second that MIL/FIL loved me best because I could give them grandchildren and here I was being the "savior" giving them another. Her and her husband got into it and started screaming at each other, DH and I left, not sure when they noticed. It was crazy and sad. My DH was livid but I reminded him about the advice that we had gotten, that likely she was venting her frustrations and would come around. It was taking everything I had though to be understanding and keep calm. The next day she wanted to talk, just her and I. She came over, gave me a big hug and apologized. Wonderful, I felt so much better until she handed me a bullet point list of what I had to agree to to be her surrogate. I expected this, our lawyer talked about the gestational surrogacy agreement and new I could also make requests. All I was hoping for was for the least medically invasive birth as possible and for my midwife to be present (as my support) even though I knew she wouldn't be in charge of the birth. My only "demand" I guess, not sure that is the right word was I didn't want to carry more than twins. I feel her list was bitter, unreasonable and kind of mean. Again it was long but some points were, the child would call me by first name only, never aunt. We were never to tell the child or anyone else I was the surrogate (good luck with that I think my 9 year old son might figure it out). I was never to complain about anything concerning the pregnancy, never to show any pain or discomfort or on the flip side express happiness about being pregnant. I was not to "rub being pregnant in her face" She and her husband would move in with us for the duration of the pregnancy. As soon as the child was born I was not to touch or look at the child until told I could, which she noted might be months. I am never to show any motherly tendencies towards the child, ever, as an aunt this would be hard. Since MIL/FIL had spent thousands on gifts for my children she expected the equivalent for hers. (Not sure why this was directed at me) It went on and on but it was crazy. I told her I would take it up with my DH and she said "You know your offer almost caused a divorce so don't think about backing out now, you wanted this." Neither DH or I want to do this anymore. I honestly don't want to speak to her for a long time. DH's brother begged DH on the phone to please accept this, that she would relax and it would all be fine. I don't know what to do. I've spent a few days reading infertility boards (including here) and while this was an extreme case it seems it is a common sentiment. Bitterness, lack of gratitude, jealousy. Maybe I'm just really raw and pissed off but wtf? What do I do? My husband wants to be out but this will ruin his relationship with his brother. I am putting this here in offtopic for a couple of reasons. I don't think it belongs in "infertility support" and right now I'm the one needing support so it wouldn't fit. Also I'd like more perspective than just the family relationship. How do I repair this with my SIL who is/was my dear friend? Is this beyond repair? Anyone been there with a friend who just flipped and did a 180 in personality? |
Anonymous
| I think you are making the right decision not to do this. |
Anonymous
| I don't get why they almost diviorced over the adoption question. They seem very shaky. |
Anonymous
| OP again. Sorry I forgot to add that I have been trying to look back and see if I had been insensitive to her being infertile and sure I guess I have been, not outright but you know maybe not always thinking of her feelings. I know it had to be hard to always see me pregnant or with a baby. I know holidays are especially hard on her, but I am really blindsided by her rage towards me all of a sudden, we did have a great relationship before. |
Anonymous
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Your offer is incredibly generous and one that was fraught with all kinds of emotional baggage. But the baggage isn't yours to deal with - it's your BIL's issue to deal with his wife. He knows the demands are unreasonable and it's up to him, working with her, to bring her around.
In a similar vein, it's up to your DH to tell his brother, "Look, we love you and want to help you, but what your wife is asking for is unreasonable and she needs to relax and deal with it now or we can't live with this." Give your BIL a chance to actually deal with the issue. |
Anonymous
| It's their journey and I think you have to let them take it. Tell them you aren't interested in the surrogacy offer anymore and give them space. |
Anonymous
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I don't even know what to say except:
1. She does not appear to be in a position to be a good mother 2. She does not appear to be in a marriage stable enough to bring a child into 3. She does not appear to be stable enough to handle having you as a surrogate You need to back out, No guilt. This is not about you, she is obviously struggling and needs help |
Anonymous
| I would completely forgive her. She's been through hell. But I wouldn't be a surrogate. It sounds like she doesn't want you to but is saying yes with conditions because the husband made her say yes. |
Anonymous
OP here. She didn't want to adopt, she especially didn't want domestic infant adoption which her DH thought was the best choice. |
Anonymous
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Do not under any circumstances be a surrogate for your SIL and BIL. I think you should have never, ever offered to do this. I think it might work in some situations, but clearly they are people who are not emotionally mature to handle this. Some people are - these two individuals are clearly not.
You can and should be empathetic to their infertility issues, but you cannot save or fix other people - including their desire to have children (ESPECIALLY their desire to have children). If you do anything, have a sit down and apologize for even putting this subject on the table. Tell her you and your DH were not ready to deal with the emotions of it, and that it was wrong to offer it in the first place. Tell her that being a surrogate is simply impossible. Offer to be supportive and to offer an ear to listen to her, and that you would like to be open to being her friend again. I think that's all you really can do. |
Anonymous
I get that, but nearly divorcing over it? My DH and I disagreed about those choices too, but it didn't nearly break us up. |
Anonymous
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Wow...just wow.
I would be LIVID and extremely hurt by SIL's reaction. That she had the audacity to give YOU a list of demands is outrageous. And, quite honestly, those speak to her being entirely too unreasonable and I would bail. While I've never been a surrogate (I was an egg donor twice), I would imagine that being a gestational surrogate can be extremely emotionally taxing. To then be faced with not being able to show any affection towards a child who will be in your life forever (and not just handed off to a couple where contact will be minimal) will be very challenging. And what about your children? Will she forbid them from playing together unless she gives the go ahead? It will be confusing for them, as well. If this will all be in secrecy (which is a terrible idea), how will you explain your pregnancy and then the absence of a baby? I know you want to help your SIL, but you need to think of your emotional health, as well. This is NOT a healthy situation. This should be a time to bond over the pregnancy and she's going so far as to say she doesn't even really want to talk about it! And why move in with you? That will be hell on earth. OP, you and your DH had great intentions. But, I would pass, entirely. If his brother distances himself, given the outrageous behavior of his wife, good riddance. She's treating this has if she's doing YOU a favor and not the other way around. Unacceptable. It's time for you to show some backbone. From your post, I suspect that you do feel a little guilty about your success with fertility. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT...and don't let her make you feel guilty. That's bullshit. Damn, this pisses me off. The entitlement... |
Anonymous
| There is no way that accepting that list of insane conditions could be a good idea. She sounds seriously unhinged right now. Could you possibly see a therapist together (all 4 of you) so she could hear from a professional what you can of demand of a surrogate? |
Anonymous
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You can't do this. You just can not. Her demands are unreasonable and are likely to get worse not better. I know she is in an awful place, but her behavior is ugly.
Is there any way that you and DH could help pay for an independent surrogate? Even then, I think she will make your life miserable. Why not tell her that her behavior was upsetting and that you need time to consider her list of demands. You don't have to decide anything right away. So sorry that your offer was thrown in your face like this. Glad to hear that your husband had your back, though. |
Anonymous
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When someone shows you their true self, believe them. In your opinion, OP, was your SIL always this narcissistic? Perhaps she hid it well? My mother is like this. Everything always has to be about her. Nothing is ever her fault and she always needs to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even if it's blatantly irrational and crazy. However, she does a wonderful job being charming to strangers and only goes haywire with close family members. The minute you offered to be a surrogate you sealed your doom, poor OP. So, you definitely don't want to offer such a service to someone who will not be properly grateful for it. Say you want to think it over because the demands are irrational and disrespectful. Then allow a good long time before you finally regretfully decline. Take comfort in the fact that you are not responsible for the family break-up that will inevitably follow. Actually, I'm sure BIL will forgive you. SIL may leave the family, which perhaps wouldn't be so bad... |