I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you are very sweet and caring. As someone who has been through infertility, I am worried your SIL is having a serious psychological crisis that could lead to serious consequences for her. I would treat it like a crisis situation and involve a professional immediately. Maybe her husband could focus on that first also and then deal with the long term marriage question later (or maybe a therapist could help him navigate that.)

[Anonymous]

Please report offensive posts to the administrator.

I have never seen suck awful posts on DCUM, and I've been here for about six years.

OP, please ignore ALL the crazies here. They are far sicker than your sister!

OP, You did everything right, acted out of the goodness of your heart. You have a right to your own pain.

Best wishes for healing for your entire family.

[Anonymous]

x 1,000,000! OP you have a good heart. Peace to you and your husband. As the poster whose husband was chastised for buying a homeless man food, I am astounded at some of the posts on this thread.

I hope that your SIL can find peace too. Infertility does mess with your hormones and your emotions but obviously she has major issues which need to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

OP. I am very sorry for what has happened. You seem like a very kind and sensitive person. Your SIL is in terrible pain and unfairly put that all on you. I hope everyone can find some peace over this.

[Anonymous]

OP, best wishes to all of you. I'm so sorry that your wonderful offer was met with such a chaotic response, I'm sorry for your BIL and MIL, and I'm so very sorry that your SIL has been traumatized to this point of self-destruction. She's burned so many bridges so suddenly - it all sounds quite scary, honestly. And now her husband moving out - I hope she has someone keeping an eye on her.

I hope she gets the help she needs and can salvage her marriage and her emotional health. I can't imagine what she's gone through. You and your DH sound wonderful, btw.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone, your support and comments mean the world to me. I know that seems silly, but they really do. My SIL is going to be getting some therapeutic treatment. I reached out to SIL's mother and explained the situation and she is going to fly out here when she can. I just thought she needed an actual blood family member for support. Things are easing up here a bit because we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again, I'll update again when something changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, your support and comments mean the world to me. I know that seems silly, but they really do. My SIL is going to be getting some therapeutic treatment. I reached out to SIL's mother and explained the situation and she is going to fly out here when she can. I just thought she needed an actual blood family member for support. Things are easing up here a bit because we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again, I'll update again when something changes.

You called her mother? You just really cant butt out can you. Pkus, didnt you say earlier she was going to arizona ...?

OP: Yes, I called her mother, no I will not turn away from a family member when they are in a desperate situation and need help. SIL and her mother were both grateful I did so. No I did not say she was going to Arizona, I said her husband was worried she would go back to arizona without getting any help or marriage counseling, because she doesn't have the best support system there.

I think part of the problem here is people read bits and pieces or only "read" into the situation what they want to and that is why they believe things have happened or are happening that have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, your support and comments mean the world to me. I know that seems silly, but they really do. My SIL is going to be getting some therapeutic treatment. I reached out to SIL's mother and explained the situation and she is going to fly out here when she can. I just thought she needed an actual blood family member for support. Things are easing up here a bit because we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again, I'll update again when something changes.

You called her mother? You just really cant butt out can you. Pkus, didnt you say earlier she was going to arizona ...?

OP: Yes, I called her mother, no I will not turn away from a family member when they are in a desperate situation and need help. SIL and her mother were both grateful I did so. No I did not say she was going to Arizona, I said her husband was worried she would go back to arizona without getting any help or marriage counseling, because she doesn't have the best support system there.

I think part of the problem here is people read bits and pieces or only "read" into the situation what they want to and that is why they believe things have happened or are happening that have not.

Actually OP, I think posts like the PP's post are maybe not about reading at all; I think some people like that PP are triggered by your situation and it doesn't really matter what you write, they want to attack you. Which is why this thread got really toxic at points, but hopefully you've been able to see through those posts and onto the ones that were really trying to offer useful opinions, even if those opinions were critical. But some people, like PP, obviously have an axe to grind, and that's not even about you even when it's directed right at you.

All that said, I'm glad your SIL was glad you called. I bristled a bit when I read that line, because your SIL obviously has a lot of issues going on and one of the first sources of "stuff to be resolved" is of course our parents, so... I was worried there "What if her mom is a major source of her emotional turmoil?" But if that's not the case, very glad you called. I'd also agree with another PP, definitely talk to BIL and SIL about pulling in a professional. If BIL and SIL had been able to resolve this on their own, they wouldn't be in the turmoil they're in now (infertility stress insanity aside). Hope an objective counselor can be included. Good luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Actually OP, I think posts like the PP's post are maybe not about reading at all; I think some people like that PP are triggered by your situation and it doesn't really matter what you write, they want to attack you. Which is why this thread got really toxic at points, but hopefully you've been able to see through those posts and onto the ones that were really trying to offer useful opinions, even if those opinions were critical. But some people, like PP, obviously have an axe to grind, and that's not even about you even when it's directed right at you.

All that said, I'm glad your SIL was glad you called. I bristled a bit when I read that line, because your SIL obviously has a lot of issues going on and one of the first sources of "stuff to be resolved" is of course our parents, so... I was worried there "What if her mom is a major source of her emotional turmoil?" But if that's not the case, very glad you called. I'd also agree with another PP, definitely talk to BIL and SIL about pulling in a professional. If BIL and SIL had been able to resolve this on their own, they wouldn't be in the turmoil they're in now (infertility stress insanity aside). Hope an objective counselor can be included. Good luck to you all!

OP: Thank you. I agree with the bolded above. Most of the mean comments made me incredibly sad and also helped me to understand a bit more why my SIL lashed out. I should have added, but forgive me I'm still a bit wiped out, that my SIL and I have been in contact back and forth all morning. I last asked her to send me a list of anything she needed, so I can run some errands for her later. I believe she is doing as well as can be expected in this situation. She is very strong, I think the years of infertility have attributed to that.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Thank you for your update - it was written from a place of compassion and wisdom. Clearly you handled things well from day 1.

I am glad your BIL is separating from her, yet still getting her the help she needs. Clearly she is not herself right now, and your poor BIL has suffered enough.

Good luck with everything, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we all got hooked and this story is made up. Really entertaining though. So much identifying info, can't believe anyone would post all that if its true. I stand by what I said though, the OP character in this novel is a good person.

Right, and we should believe it's made up just because you, random anonymous person, has the opinion that it is. You're funny! But your opinion is not really worth paying attention to. There are many things on DCUM with identifying info, but unless the whole family lives in DC and reads this board, there's not much reason to assume the other people will read it.

And, as I can attest to myself, sometimes the question on your mind is so pressing, you don't care if people will recognize you. You just want advice.

So no, you saying it's fake doesn't make it fake. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, your support and comments mean the world to me. I know that seems silly, but they really do. My SIL is going to be getting some therapeutic treatment. I reached out to SIL's mother and explained the situation and she is going to fly out here when she can. I just thought she needed an actual blood family member for support. Things are easing up here a bit because we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again, I'll update again when something changes.

You called her mother? You just really cant butt out can you. Pkus, didnt you say earlier she was going to arizona ...?

OP: Yes, I called her mother, no I will not turn away from a family member when they are in a desperate situation and need help. SIL and her mother were both grateful I did so. No I did not say she was going to Arizona, I said her husband was worried she would go back to arizona without getting any help or marriage counseling, because she doesn't have the best support system there.

I think part of the problem here is people read bits and pieces or only "read" into the situation what they want to and that is why they believe things have happened or are happening that have not.

Why are you so enmeshed, OP? Why are you so involved not only in your SIL's reproduction and marriage, but now in controlling where she goes and how she gets support? Your BIL is going to move out, yet you are trying to keep her from moving back to her family in another state because you deem them "not supportive enough" ... except for when you decide to call her mother to come. So you are setting yourself up to be her sole support. I think you need to step back and see a therapist yourself before you interfere any more. It's one thing to provide support but another to get overly involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you so enmeshed, OP? Why are you so involved not only in your SIL's reproduction and marriage, but now in controlling where she goes and how she gets support? Your BIL is going to move out, yet you are trying to keep her from moving back to her family in another state because you deem them "not supportive enough" ... except for when you decide to call her mother to come. So you are setting yourself up to be her sole support. I think you need to step back and see a therapist yourself before you interfere any more. It's one thing to provide support but another to get overly involved.

OP: Oh my, please try to read more carefully, because you are upsetting yourself with things that are not there. I'll try to help out here:

"Why are you so involved not only in your SIL's reproduction and marriage, but now in controlling where she goes and how she gets support?"
I am not involved in my SILs marriage and I am not sure where you might have gotten that idea from any post I have made. The only involvement I have had in her reproduction was offering to be her surrogate, because she needed one. I am not controlling where she goes, can you explain why you think that? Also her husband made the appointments for her to see her doctor and therapist, so I had no hand in that.

"Your BIL is going to move out, yet you are trying to keep her from moving back to her family in another state because you deem them "not supportive enough" ... except for when you decide to call her mother to come."

Yes, my BIL has moved out, but he is spending all day with her today, so she is not alone. I am not trying to keep her from moving back to her distant family. My BIL, as I stated, was concerned she might move back, before getting marriage and other counseling because he feels they are not supportive, considering he is married to her and loves her I believe he can feel that way. I did call her mother and as I stated SIL was in agreement that I called, as I have said time and again, she and I were as close as sisters (and I hope we still can be) and I knew she would want her mother in this situation but at the time she couldn't reach out.

"So you are setting yourself up to be her sole support."

She has her mother, her husband, her MIL and FIL, my husband and myself. She has her fertility specialist, her doctor and two therapist. How have I set myself up to be her sole support? Especially because I called her mother to come and stay with her and support her? Again, as others have said, I really think you are projecting here and not actually listening to the facts/

"I think you need to step back and see a therapist yourself before you interfere any more. It's one thing to provide support but another to get overly involved."

Thank you for the advice. I'd also like to ask you a question, are you the same poster that keeps insisting I am in the wrong here? I only ask because it reads the same over and over, not because I think there could only be one dissenter. If you are I am very sorry if our story has somehow touched a nerve or triggered you. I think it might be healthy for you to step back a little. I understand that you do not approve of me in any way and think I am causing harm to my SIL, I assure you I am not, but I am thankful as I said before that there are people who would defend my SIL.

As for the amount of detail I have posted pointing to my story being fake, I expected that since this is on DCUM and explained why I posted the details I did. I am grateful I did post and get advice, because I don't think we would be on the path to healing that we are now on if I had not.

As for an update, all the same. SIL has asked if I would come by for a little tomorrow night and I will, she says she is swinging between sobbing and sleeping which with all that has gone on, I think is pretty much to be expected.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore the negative posters. Any normal person can see you're a good person just trying to help someone in a difficult situation. These posters will not be swayed by logic. On the plus side, they seem to be toning down their responses now that their more ghoulish replies have been deleted by the mod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you so enmeshed, OP? Why are you so involved not only in your SIL's reproduction and marriage, but now in controlling where she goes and how she gets support? Your BIL is going to move out, yet you are trying to keep her from moving back to her family in another state because you deem them "not supportive enough" ... except for when you decide to call her mother to come. So you are setting yourself up to be her sole support. I think you need to step back and see a therapist yourself before you interfere any more. It's one thing to provide support but another to get overly involved.

OP: Oh my, please try to read more carefully, because you are upsetting yourself with things that are not there. I'll try to help out here:

"Why are you so involved not only in your SIL's reproduction and marriage, but now in controlling where she goes and how she gets support?"
I am not involved in my SILs marriage and I am not sure where you might have gotten that idea from any post I have made. The only involvement I have had in her reproduction was offering to be her surrogate, because she needed one. I am not controlling where she goes, can you explain why you think that? Also her husband made the appointments for her to see her doctor and therapist, so I had no hand in that.

"Your BIL is going to move out, yet you are trying to keep her from moving back to her family in another state because you deem them "not supportive enough" ... except for when you decide to call her mother to come."

Yes, my BIL has moved out, but he is spending all day with her today, so she is not alone. I am not trying to keep her from moving back to her distant family. My BIL, as I stated, was concerned she might move back, before getting marriage and other counseling because he feels they are not supportive, considering he is married to her and loves her I believe he can feel that way. I did call her mother and as I stated SIL was in agreement that I called, as I have said time and again, she and I were as close as sisters (and I hope we still can be) and I knew she would want her mother in this situation but at the time she couldn't reach out.

"So you are setting yourself up to be her sole support."

She has her mother, her husband, her MIL and FIL, my husband and myself. She has her fertility specialist, her doctor and two therapist. How have I set myself up to be her sole support? Especially because I called her mother to come and stay with her and support her? Again, as others have said, I really think you are projecting here and not actually listening to the facts/

"I think you need to step back and see a therapist yourself before you interfere any more. It's one thing to provide support but another to get overly involved."

Thank you for the advice. I'd also like to ask you a question, are you the same poster that keeps insisting I am in the wrong here? I only ask because it reads the same over and over, not because I think there could only be one dissenter. If you are I am very sorry if our story has somehow touched a nerve or triggered you. I think it might be healthy for you to step back a little. I understand that you do not approve of me in any way and think I am causing harm to my SIL, I assure you I am not, but I am thankful as I said before that there are people who would defend my SIL.

As for the amount of detail I have posted pointing to my story being fake, I expected that since this is on DCUM and explained why I posted the details I did. I am grateful I did post and get advice, because I don't think we would be on the path to healing that we are now on if I had not.

As for an update, all the same. SIL has asked if I would come by for a little tomorrow night and I will, she says she is swinging between sobbing and sleeping which with all that has gone on, I think is pretty much to be expected.

Sorry, no, I'm not your only critic here. What's amazing is that you STILL don't seem to feel any regret or remorse about your role in creating this blow-up. I find it extremely, almost impossibly, hard to believe that you did not sense that your offer would trigger an overly emotional response ... or that it would add fuel to the fire of an existing breach between your SIL and BIL about how to deal with their infertility. You are completely invested in this story of yourself as the organizing hero, and your SIL as messed up. It may be that your SIL needs help, but you also need to tread extremely carefully.