Should I Tell Him Abt My Friend's Violent Past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the friend was a guy with a domestic assault in his past about to marry some wonderful woman, would posters be giving the same advice to let bygones be bygones? http://time.com/2921491/hope-solo-women-violence/

If the guy had one episode ten years ago (where it wasn't even clear he injured someone, was convicted, etc.) and nothing since, I wouldn't be insisting that everyone know about it. Sometimes people actually do change.

I don't know about this. I mean, obviously I don't know you, PP, or what you'd say about it personally, but when I was dating a guy who revealed his ex got a restraining order against him during their divorce 5 year earlier, PLENTY of people stepped up to tell me I was taking a chance on him, that he might be fine when a relationship was casual or going along swimmingly, but there was evidence that he apparently didn't take serious relationships ending well.

where those people his closest friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, if I were your friend, just for that question alone I would have told you not to come to the wedding party, I would have erased your number and considered you dead. Bye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend that I know and love dearly. Years ago When she was struggling I allowed her and her children to move in with my DC and me. (We were both single moms.) She'd gotten Into some legal trouble when she attacked a guy she was dating. Things got so bad she Left the state to get away from it all. Fast forward 10 years and she's completely reinvented herself in this new state: luxury car, kid in private school (the other two off to college) and getting ready to marry an impressive guy who seems to be loaded (put her up in a fancy home).

Me and some other mutual friends were invited to her engagement party in two weeks. I asked her if she'd told him about her assault case from 10 yrs ago. She said no and was shocked I thought he should know about an 'old situation'. I said it's not the guy but the CASE he should know about in case anything comes up later on in the marriage, as I believe in TOTAL honesty in relationships-especially when the person's going to be a life partner. She said 'Well that's DONE!' and claims she doesn't remember the guy's name.

My friends and I are wondering if I/we should tell her fiancé about this when we go up for the party. It wouldn't be done AT the actual party but at some point during the weekend.

Thoughts?

Is it possible you feel your friend doesn't deserve the luxury car and the fancy house because of her past and you are trying to get her to unravel it?

Bingo. Plus it sounds like the friend is actually getting married while OP has a "Fiance" in name only. Sour grapes, bitterness, and jealousy abounds. She knows no details of the case, just wants to tell the fiance that her friend smacked someone once for cheating on her. OP wants the friend to grovel forever because she lived with her for a little while. I hope the friend catches wind of this and completely cuts OP off.

I highly doubt OP is even actually engaged. Probably more like she's waiting for the guy who calls her on Saturday night for sex to give her a ring. If she actually had any kind of relationship she was secure in, she wouldn't be so focused on this.

[Anonymous]

OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.

huh? just because you were probably her friend when she was at her lowest doesn't mean that you are her friend NOW, when she appears to be doing much better.

you are obviously extremely jealous and want to ruin this for her. maybe then you would be her friend again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.

Yep, you were there for her when she was in a bad place and you could feel better about yourself by looking down on her. Now that she's doing well, you can't tolerate it and are looking to tear her down.

Do you actually believe that you'll have a friendship with her after this? It's not like you can look her in the eye and tell her you were looking out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.[/quote


Then you're a foul weather friend, happy to be there when your friends are on the low side, but not able to celebrate when they make it,mostly because it allows you to be a rescuer or feel superior.

Also, you're so concrete in thought. So she had three kids. It does not change a one time thing that is unusual given circumstance and time. It's been 10 years, what do you want?

My ex and I were like sodium and water. He assaulted me, I needed hospital treatment, the police were involved. All this said, I do not consider him a violent person. Our conditions, over YEARS were so emotionally volatile, it came to a head in one less that proud moment for him. He wasn't the better person, nor in any way the person he was or truly IS. What happened at the time needed intervention, but I don't agree that is or was his pattern of behavior, and especially not 10 years later. We are better and older and both have lived a new path. We can say hello and I feel no fear for myself, his new wife, or daughter. YES, HE HAS A VIOLENT ACT in his past, but he did his "time" and I like to think as someone I loved once, he learned.

If y are this woman's friend,my oh will believe in the better in her. Thank your stars you haven't had to live this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.

Then you're a foul weather friend, happy to be there when your friends are on the low side, but not able to celebrate when they make it,mostly because it allows you to be a rescuer or feel superior.

Also, you're so concrete in thought. So she had three kids. It does not change a one time thing that is unusual given circumstance and time. It's been 10 years, what do you want?

My ex and I were like sodium and water. He assaulted me, I needed hospital treatment, the police were involved. All this said, I do not consider him a violent person. Our conditions, over YEARS were so emotionally volatile, it came to a head in one less that proud moment for him. He wasn't the better person, nor in any way the person he was or truly IS. What happened at the time needed intervention, but I don't agree that is or was his pattern of behavior, and especially not 10 years later. We are better and older and both have lived a new path. We can say hello and I feel no fear for myself, his new wife, or daughter. YES, HE HAS A VIOLENT ACT in his past, but he did his "time" and I like to think as someone I loved once, he learned.

If you are truly this woman's friend, then you will believe in the better in her. Thank your stars you haven't had to live this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your fiancé deserves to know what kind of person you are OP. At least your "friend" had an incident 10 years ago and has now straightened out her life. I'd rather be marrying her than you, That's for damn sure.

Nahhhh, OP and her friend sound equally deceptive.Friend is keeping a huge secret and her so-called friend thinks it is her place to tell the fiance.
These 2 chicks deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your fiancé deserves to know what kind of person you are OP. At least your "friend" had an incident 10 years ago and has now straightened out her life. I'd rather be marrying her than you, That's for damn sure.

Nahhhh, OP and her friend sound equally deceptive.Friend is keeping a huge secret and her so-called friend thinks it is her place to tell the fiance.
These 2 chicks deserve each other.

Someone filed a restraining order against her 10 years ago after she smacked him because she found him with another woman- that's a HUGE secret? It's not something I would hide but it's hardly like serving time in prison. OP is just mad her "friend" didn't stay downtrodden and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were your friend, just for that question alone I would have told you not to come to the wedding party, I would have erased your number and considered you dead. Bye

If OP is so very honest, she should tell her friend her plan to report the matter to the fiance, so the friend can decide whether she wants OP there. That would be the honest thing, right OP? Give your friend all of the information about you so she can make a decision about whether she wants to stay in a friendship with you. You wouldn't want your friend to be in a relationship (with you) without having all of the information about things that might bite her in the ass later. Would you?

[Anonymous]

OP, if what you're really focused on is honesty, the best thing to do is to tell your friend that you think this is information her fiance should have, and you can't stand by and support the marriage as long as she isn't being honest with him so you won't be going to the party. Realistically, you don't think she's likely to kill him or leave him in the hospital, her history just doesn't support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To clarify-

She was an adult, not in college. She had 3 kids already for goodness sake.

He got a restraining order and something legal DID happen. I was the one who picked her up from court the day she was taken there after her arrest.

I don't understand how you can question my friendship when I was there for her at her lowest.

Some people like keeping "friends" around so that they can feel superior to someone and participate in drama second-hand.

My husband is a recovery alcoholic. He has a ton of "friends" from college who were perfectly happy to pick him up from jail and participate in his dramas while he was still drinking. After he got sober, got healthy, and got a good job, they had a lot less time or use for him. They actively undermined everything he did or tried to do. They were actively pissed when things went well for him.

They loved the sick version of him, not the well version of him.

I think you are like that. You are a sick bitch who gets off on other people's trouble. When there is no trouble, you'll make some.

[Anonymous]

I am seriously wondering what people would say if this was about a man having assaulted a woman and now getting married to another woman. Would you tell that woman about the mans violent past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously wondering what people would say if this was about a man having assaulted a woman and now getting married to another woman. Would you tell that woman about the mans violent past?

If it were 10 years earlier and there had been nothing since, no, I wouldn't think there was anything to tell.