Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

if he says something mean I do correct him - "that wans't nice". But that is all. Really the mom's job is to love and correct and give. Anything we "get" from our kids comes through our own act of loving and correcting and giving. My feelings don't (and shouldn't) depend on how my kids feel about me. I'm not putting that burden on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

if he says something mean I do correct him - "that wans't nice". But that is all. Really the mom's job is to love and correct and give. Anything we "get" from our kids comes through our own act of loving and correcting and giving. My feelings don't (and shouldn't) depend on how my kids feel about me. I'm not putting that burden on them.

But the whole reason it "wasn't nice" is because it causes (or at least has the potential to cause) hurt feelings. That's the whole reason not to say mean things...to avoid hurting others. I absolutely feel that my child should know that the things she says and does have an impact on people. Encouraging my child to be nice to me, and not say hurtful things, isn't putting a "burden" on her. I think the very idea that I'm "burdening" by teaching her that she should not say hurtful things to me is really bizarre...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

Exactly. People are blowing this approach out of context with their hypersensitive psychobabble.

Wow. Just wow. Someone opens up about her near fatal eating disorder and emotional abuse by her mother and you call it "hypersensitive psychobabble"? You are a terrible human being. and FWIW I think that telling a kid that she hurt your feelings when she insults you is perfectly fine.

I don't think that the PP was talking about the woman with the abusive mother.

No, I wasn't. I was talking about all of the other hyperventilating women on here calling people "weak" for daring to show their children that they are humans with emotions. If PP's response is any indication, methinks they doth protest too much. Maybe they are so focused on controlling their emotions because at the core they are big flaming drama queens.

[Anonymous]

My almost 9 year old has been saying some really hurtful things when he is in the throws of a major tantrum. He has problems managing strong emotion, and when he's really mad he lashes out and I am the usual target. So, yes I do tell him when he has hurt my feelings. I wait until the tantrum has passed and we are talking about what happened, but he he needs to understand that words have power and that saying mean things to people, even when you are really angry, isn't acceptable. I think he is old enough to understand how his actions effect others. A toddler, however, isn't ready for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 9 year old has been saying some really hurtful things when he is in the throws of a major tantrum. He has problems managing strong emotion, and when he's really mad he lashes out and I am the usual target. So, yes I do tell him when he has hurt my feelings. I wait until the tantrum has passed and we are talking about what happened, but he he needs to understand that words have power and that saying mean things to people, even when you are really angry, isn't acceptable. I think he is old enough to understand how his actions effect others. A toddler, however, isn't ready for that.

A toddler is absolutely ready for that. A toddler can be taught that verbal acting out is hurtful just as they can be taught that physical acting out is hurtful. They may not quite understand the depth of the situation, but they also don't really understand other people feeling physical pain that they don't feel (and yet, again, you can still teach them to not hit).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky because those who have had BAD experiences with this as a child probably had the kind of parents that did other things that made for unhealthy emotional dynamics in the hone but its kind of impossible for those who suffered in those homes as kids to tease that out- its one big mess.

If you had loving, kind, nonmanipulative stable parents that used the personal "my feelings" instead of the 3rd person "people's feelings" when teaching this lesson, my guess is it probably wasn't that big a deal or scarring.

Things like this don't happen in a bubble. If your kids are feeling responsible for your feelings and happiness then you are doing more than just saying "when you call me dumb that hurts my feelings". Just like if you are parenting in a way where the kids feel safe and stable emotionally, uttering that phrase instead of saying "words can hurt people's feelings, we don't say those things" isn't going to saddle the kid with baggage, they will learn and move on.

+1. I had supportive, stable, emotionally healthy parents who set good boundaries, and if my mom had told me that I hurt her feelings because I said something mean to her, it would have meant nothing more than exactly that, which is the truth and a valuable lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

if he says something mean I do correct him - "that wans't nice". But that is all. Really the mom's job is to love and correct and give. Anything we "get" from our kids comes through our own act of loving and correcting and giving. My feelings don't (and shouldn't) depend on how my kids feel about me. I'm not putting that burden on them.

Why wasn't it nice? Because it was intended to be mean and make someone feel bad. Why isn't that ok? Trying to make someone feel bad/hurt their feelings is not ok. Why not? Trying to hurt someone's feelings is not ok because no one should ever knowingly or purposefully do something harmful or unpleasant to another person without that person's consent.

I don't want my kid to just learn *which specific phrases* are not nice and therefore not ok for him to say, I want him to learn the general principle that *saying anything with the intent to make someone feel bad* is not ok, and why. That way he can apply that standard to new situations and use it as a guide to make his own choices, not merely remember which things we don't let him say.

If we have a rule, I give my child the specific ethical reason behind the rule so he knows why his behavior is being limited and can learn to exercise self control in line with our basic ethics. If "don't say X" is going to be an expectation I have of him, the reason that is the expectation is because X is something used to hurt feelings. Of course I'm going to explain that to him. Otherwise I'm placing a limit on his behavior without helping him understand deeply and completely *why* that was necessary, and that won't make sense to him, feel right to me, or be as productive as it could be if I truly helped him grasp the basic ethics behind the rule.

I know he's not going to get this completely at 3, but children are growing and developing all the time, and their moral development is an ongoing process. I can at least start from the beginning laying a foundation of how I want him to look at the world and approach deciding whether or not something is ok to do. Hopefully some of it sticks as he grows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 9 year old has been saying some really hurtful things when he is in the throws of a major tantrum. He has problems managing strong emotion, and when he's really mad he lashes out and I am the usual target. So, yes I do tell him when he has hurt my feelings. I wait until the tantrum has passed and we are talking about what happened, but he he needs to understand that words have power and that saying mean things to people, even when you are really angry, isn't acceptable. I think he is old enough to understand how his actions effect others. A toddler, however, isn't ready for that.

A toddler is absolutely ready for that. A toddler can be taught that verbal acting out is hurtful just as they can be taught that physical acting out is hurtful. They may not quite understand the depth of the situation, but they also don't really understand other people feeling physical pain that they don't feel (and yet, again, you can still teach them to not hit).

Agreed. The other day my two year old told her dad that she didn't like him. I told her that it makes Daddy sad when she says things like that, because Daddy loves her very much. She then hugged her daddy and told him she was sorry. He gave her a big hug and thanked her for apologizing. Then they read some books.

Now, pardon me if I don't think that interactions like that are going to scar my child forever...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

if he says something mean I do correct him - "that wans't nice". But that is all. Really the mom's job is to love and correct and give. Anything we "get" from our kids comes through our own act of loving and correcting and giving. My feelings don't (and shouldn't) depend on how my kids feel about me. I'm not putting that burden on them.

Why wasn't it nice? Because it was intended to be mean and make someone feel bad. Why isn't that ok? Trying to make someone feel bad/hurt their feelings is not ok. Why not? Trying to hurt someone's feelings is not ok because no one should ever knowingly or purposefully do something harmful or unpleasant to another person without that person's consent.

I don't want my kid to just learn *which specific phrases* are not nice and therefore not ok for him to say, I want him to learn the general principle that *saying anything with the intent to make someone feel bad* is not ok, and why. That way he can apply that standard to new situations and use it as a guide to make his own choices, not merely remember which things we don't let him say.

If we have a rule, I give my child the specific ethical reason behind the rule so he knows why his behavior is being limited and can learn to exercise self control in line with our basic ethics. If "don't say X" is going to be an expectation I have of him, the reason that is the expectation is because X is something used to hurt feelings. Of course I'm going to explain that to him. Otherwise I'm placing a limit on his behavior without helping him understand deeply and completely *why* that was necessary, and that won't make sense to him, feel right to me, or be as productive as it could be if I truly helped him grasp the basic ethics behind the rule.

I know he's not going to get this completely at 3, but children are growing and developing all the time, and their moral development is an ongoing process. I can at least start from the beginning laying a foundation of how I want him to look at the world and approach deciding whether or not something is ok to do. Hopefully some of it sticks as he grows up.

PP here. I was trying to say just this in my post above (about explain WHY the words aren't nice) but you said it better. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

You have a 4 1/2 year old.
Wait until you have a 10 or 11 or 12 year old. Wait until you have a teenaged girl. Then get back to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 9 year old has been saying some really hurtful things when he is in the throws of a major tantrum. He has problems managing strong emotion, and when he's really mad he lashes out and I am the usual target. So, yes I do tell him when he has hurt my feelings. I wait until the tantrum has passed and we are talking about what happened, but he he needs to understand that words have power and that saying mean things to people, even when you are really angry, isn't acceptable. I think he is old enough to understand how his actions effect others. A toddler, however, isn't ready for that.

A toddler is absolutely ready for that. A toddler can be taught that verbal acting out is hurtful just as they can be taught that physical acting out is hurtful. They may not quite understand the depth of the situation, but they also don't really understand other people feeling physical pain that they don't feel (and yet, again, you can still teach them to not hit).

Agreed. The other day my two year old told her dad that she didn't like him. I told her that it makes Daddy sad when she says things like that, because Daddy loves her very much. She then hugged her daddy and told him she was sorry. He gave her a big hug and thanked her for apologizing. Then they read some books.

Now, pardon me if I don't think that interactions like that are going to scar my child forever...

I'm the PP you quoted. I meant that a toddler isn't ready for the kind of in depth discussions I have with my 9 y/o. I agree that a toddler can understand in basic terms that saying unkind things (or hitting) is harmful to other people and not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

You have a 4 1/2 year old.
Wait until you have a 10 or 11 or 12 year old. Wait until you have a teenaged girl. Then get back to us.

You're not allowed to say that here. This forum, according to the DCUM police, is exclusively for the parents of 0-5 year old children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

Exactly. People are blowing this approach out of context with their hypersensitive psychobabble.

Wow. Just wow. Someone opens up about her near fatal eating disorder and emotional abuse by her mother and you call it "hypersensitive psychobabble"? You are a terrible human being. and FWIW I think that telling a kid that she hurt your feelings when she insults you is perfectly fine.

I don't think that the PP was talking about the woman with the abusive mother.

No, I wasn't. I was talking about all of the other hyperventilating women on here calling people "weak" for daring to show their children that they are humans with emotions. If PP's response is any indication, methinks they doth protest too much. Maybe they are so focused on controlling their emotions because at the core they are big flaming drama queens.

Did you even read the post that I think you are responding to? Note the bolded part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

You have a 4 1/2 year old.
Wait until you have a 10 or 11 or 12 year old. Wait until you have a teenaged girl. Then get back to us.

Yeah, I'll head on over to the older kids and teens board when that happens.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a good idea to make it clear that the kid hurt your feelings but not to make a big deal of it until a later age. Like with a 2 YO: "That made me feel bad! That's not nice... hey, let's go drive these trucks together!"