Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.

I don't view it as making them responsible for your feelings. Instead, I think it is important for you to model productive behavior for them. So if their feelings are hurt, would you want them to or expect them to pretend that they aren't? And say something about how that's not a kind thing to say while masking how you really feel?

Maybe you do, but having been raised like that, I don't think that's a healthy way to treat other people. Instead I acknowledge when someone has done something that is hurtful to me (including my children) and model how to handle it -- i.e., talking about feelings, working things out and practicing how to communicate without being hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

You are raising kids who will feel that they have more power over you than they should. And you will believe that they are responsible for their mother's moods and happiness.

Like the other PP's, I correct my kids without making myself the martyr.

Martyr? We're not talking about storming off in a deluge of tears here! Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can a child hurt an adult's feelings? I have three - ages 10 thru 2 - and it hasn't happened yet. I correct them when they say something impolite or unkind but I certainly would never get my feelings hurt in the first place when my toddlers wanted their Dad to hold them instead if me!!!!


I am the adult. There are definitely things that I am "above" when it comes to being a parent!!!

The example about Dad holding instead of Mom was by someone being a bit sarcastic, I think. No one is using that as an actual example of when to tell their child that they hurt their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. I have no idea what to do here.

[Anonymous]

I have told my daughter (four years old) that some of the things she says are hurtful and then we talk about whether she would like someone to say that to her. I think it's an important step in empathy. I don't go around playing a martyr or saying my feelings are hurt, but there are times when I think it's appropriate.

Example: she recently told me I was fat in a very mean, deliberate way. She was mad at me for not letting her watch tv during dinner, and that was her response. Not sure where she got that from (I have made a concerted effort to be mindful about body image around her and, FWIW, I am not actually fat), but she was definitely saying it in a mean way. I told her that she should not say such things to people, it hurts feelings, and is not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

But there's a real difference between saying, "You hurt my feelings" and "You need to think before you speak, because words can be very hurtful."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

But there's a real difference between saying, "You hurt my feelings" and "You need to think before you speak, because words can be very hurtful."

I'm equally comfortable with saying "you hurt my feelings" when my toddler lashes out verbally, as I am with saying "you hurt my arm" when my toddler lashes out physically.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 2. If she hurts my feelings because she was mean, yes I tell her. This has only happened once so far. If she hurts my feelings because I'm moody (just had a baby so emotiions have been high for a while), I keep it to myself.

My parents never corrected me when I was mean to them when I was little. I often told them I hated them and I wished they would die. They never acknowledged any hurt feelings or even told me this kind of behavior was wrong. This caused huge problems when I got married and argued with my husband because I would say all kinds of mean, hurtful things (like "I hate you and I hope you die") because I didn't know any better. Sad, I know.

No, your kids aren't responsible for your emotions. But if you love your children then they DO have the power to affect you emotionally. It's crazy to pretend otherwise. You should teach them to express their emotions in a healthy way.

P.S. I think "You aren't my friend!" is a fine thing for an angry kid to say to a parent. It wouldn't hurt my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

I'm with you, PP. When my three and a half year old son yells, "NOT YOU, MOMMY, ONLY DADDY!" and then calls me a "bossy old boiler" (thanks, Thomas the Train!), we do have conversations about whether that's a nice way to ask for Daddy and that calling names is mean. I just this morning told him that the way he yelled at me hurt my feelings. He's old enough to express that his own feelings are hurt, and he knows that there are nice ways and not nice ways to say things, so it follows that he's going to need to learn that he can hurt other people's feelings.

Obviously, I'm the adult, and I'm going to love DS no matter what and I tell him that all the time, but how else are we supposed to model appropriate behavior towards others if we don't talk about the consequences of mean words?

[Anonymous]

My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

But there's a real difference between saying, "You hurt my feelings" and "You need to think before you speak, because words can be very hurtful."

I'm equally comfortable with saying "you hurt my feelings" when my toddler lashes out verbally, as I am with saying "you hurt my arm" when my toddler lashes out physically.

Me, too. I am baffled that people are not.

[Anonymous]

My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

[Anonymous]

This thread is ridiculous. All of you who think that explaining to a child that their words hurt, in a personal way, are "damaging" their children need to stop playing armchair psychologist.

What a bunch of pansies. Man up and parent. If your child's feelings get hurt because you've set them straight by telling them that their words personally hurt your feelings - good. They are learning something - that their words and actions have consequences. Teaching that lesson is not "making them responsible for your feelings."

What a bunch of psycho-babble bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

[Anonymous]

Please don't do this. My mother used to do this to me as a child. It messed me up big time and caused me to take on the problems of others, discounting my own.
Your feelings are yours. It's your job to address the behavior that caused the hurt feelings.