Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Yes, since DS was 3 or so and had sufficient vocabulary to communicate. However, it is not about my feelings on wether he wants his Dad to do something or prefers someone else. I say "I am disappointed in your behaviour" or "I am upset because you said XXX". I think it is a good tool to teach emapthy

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.

Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?

You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.

To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.

I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.

Wow. Okay. Our children should never think we have feelings. Yep, that seems healthy.

I've got to check out of this thread now b/c there is no way to have a discussion with people who think that showing your children your own humanity is "weak."

I agree with the PP. Children need to know that their parents are there for them 100% in all circumstances and that we are strong. I would no more tell my three-year-old that he hurt my feelings than I would tell him that I was terrified and wanted to cry when I took him to the ER to get stitches.

I want my kids to know that they can depend on me.

I'm pretty sure my child knows he can depend on me, and he trusts me precisely because I do show him that I too am human and have feelings and make mistakes. I think that giving them the idea that you are all powerful and omnipotent is a mistake but hey badass, have at it. I guess I am weak.

Not PP but I guess you are weak, too. No child under the age of six should be made to feel responsible for an adult's feelings of hurt. It isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

This thread is really weird. Maybe I'm overly sensitive bc I have a disabled sibling, but I sure as hell point out to my kids when they say things than can be perceived as harmful. (Karla is stupid. Response: we don't call people stupid in this house. How would you feel if someone called you stupid? I bet Karla felt sad). And if they do something that hurts my feelings I tell them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.

Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?

You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.

To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.

I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.

Wow. Okay. Our children should never think we have feelings. Yep, that seems healthy.

I've got to check out of this thread now b/c there is no way to have a discussion with people who think that showing your children your own humanity is "weak."

I agree with the PP. Children need to know that their parents are there for them 100% in all circumstances and that we are strong. I would no more tell my three-year-old that he hurt my feelings than I would tell him that I was terrified and wanted to cry when I took him to the ER to get stitches.

I want my kids to know that they can depend on me.

I'm pretty sure my child knows he can depend on me, and he trusts me precisely because I do show him that I too am human and have feelings and make mistakes. I think that giving them the idea that you are all powerful and omnipotent is a mistake but hey badass, have at it. I guess I am weak.

Well that's a very adult view you believe your young child has. As we get older we all come to see our parents as fallible people with their own foibles and fears. We can see the missteps they made but forgive them because they're adult and human. But kids NEED their parents to be rocks, to think nothing can shake them. I would not tell my kid they made me sad any more than I would tell them I'm worried about a bill because both imply that they need to help me with the problem. My kids can see me for a flawed human when they're older but my belief is when they're young they need to know that their petty insults don't hurt me, bugs don't scare me, I am calm in an emergency and I can handle anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).


As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.

-1 I'm a PP whose parents never expressed hurt by the mean things I said. But they still expressed plenty of disapproval over other things- an unhealthy amount. I've had major eating disorders too. And -- no lie-- I have nightmares about my mother's controlling behavior several times a week. There are healthy ways for parents to express hurt feelings. Neither of ours got it right.

[Anonymous]

8:27 again. There's a fine line here. Kids (and adults) should think before they speak and take responsibility for their actions. However, kids also need to learn that when a peer says something unkind to them, they have a choice of how to feel and react. That power is theirs; they shouldn't cede it to others. So I try to model that for my DC too.

[Anonymous]

It's definitely situational -- but I have no problem letting my kids know when something they have done has affected me. They need to learn that their words and actions have impact and subsequently, consequences.

And while I am my children's 'rock' -- I am human too and showing my frailty and foibles --- and how I handle those weakness -- is just as informative as them seeing me in my best moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.

This.

+2. I will tell them when they have said something unkind, but not that they "hurt my feelings."

[Anonymous]

It all boils down to what is "unkind". A toddler choosing to go with his father instead of his mother should NEVER be told that he hurt Mommy's feelings. Like wise a preschooler saying that he hated Mommy should not be shamed or given power over the parent but rather corrected as to express his true feelings.

Once they are in school (around seven - depends on the maturity of the kid), I definitely tell them when they have hurt my feelings and when they need to keep their feelings to themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have never told my child that they hurt my feelings, but I do let them know if they say something that is unkind. There is a big difference between letting a child dictate your happiness and letting them know that some actions are not alright.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.

This.

Huh. That's interesting. I will say that when there is an insult - like "this dinner is yucky." I say, Larla, it hurts my feelings when you say mean things about the food I make. You don't have to eat it, but please be nice. ' Literally within a day the negative comments about the food stopped. I think my 4 year old is old enough to know why things aren't acceptable. You're not supposed to be rude because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, right? Otherwise it's just an arbitrary set of rules.

Larla, you're being rude and ungrateful. I spent a lot of time and effort to put this food on the table. Tomorrow you're responsible for making dinner for the family.

And let her go to bed hungry.

You don't ask to "please don't hurt feelings" - she is supposed to respect her parents and act like it.

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I'd make a 4 year old responsible for making dinner (cooking is not a punishment, and besides, she'd probably just serve ice cream and jelly beans anyway...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.

Weak? What kind of f-ed up power game are you playing with your kid?

"Being an adult" doesn't mean you don't have negative emotions or weaknesses. Why would you think that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can a child hurt an adult's feelings? I have three - ages 10 thru 2 - and it hasn't happened yet. I correct them when they say something impolite or unkind but I certainly would never get my feelings hurt in the first place when my toddlers wanted their Dad to hold them instead if me!!!!


I am the adult. There are definitely things that I am "above" when it comes to being a parent!!!

My two year old hurts my feelings daily. He says "You're not my friend mommy", "I love daddy but not mommy", "No mommy go home", "I want daddy" pretty much every time I interact with him. I tell him that it's not nice to say things like that and that while I will always love him, his friends may not always like him if he says things like that. This may make me seem like an immature idiot who is unfit to be a mother, but a couple of times him saying things like that has made me cry at the end of already bad days at work. Those times he has apologized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's definitely situational -- but I have no problem letting my kids know when something they have done has affected me. They need to learn that their words and actions have impact and subsequently, consequences.

And while I am my children's 'rock' -- I am human too and showing my frailty and foibles --- and how I handle those weakness -- is just as informative as them seeing me in my best moments.

+1

I don't see in any way how letting your children know you have feelings--and that their actions can affect those feelings--indicates that you're not their "rock" or that you won't be there for them. My mother certainly let me know when something I had said had hurt her feelings, but I never questioned whether she was there for me. How are kids supposed to know why something is "unkind" if you don't explain WHY it's unkind? The whole reason saying something mean is unkind is because it has the capacity to hurt someone. That's like telling them not to stand on the coffee table or not to touch the hot stove, but failing to tell them the reason--that they could get hurt.