Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can a child hurt an adult's feelings? I have three - ages 10 thru 2 - and it hasn't happened yet. I correct them when they say something impolite or unkind but I certainly would never get my feelings hurt in the first place when my toddlers wanted their Dad to hold them instead if me!!!!


I am the adult. There are definitely things that I am "above" when it comes to being a parent!!!

The example about Dad holding instead of Mom was by someone being a bit sarcastic, I think. No one is using that as an actual example of when to tell their child that they hurt their feelings.

No, I was the poster of that comment and the mother actually said that to her child at the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

But there's a real difference between saying, "You hurt my feelings" and "You need to think before you speak, because words can be very hurtful."

You are imagining a conversation in which a parent states the first without stating the second, which I believe rarely ever happens. You must think that most parents act just like their children, and I wonder where you get such a ridiculous notion from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.

[Anonymous]

No way would I ever tell my young children they hurt my feelings!!! Way too much enmeshment and imbalance of power. My kids need to believe that I am capable of caring for them no matter what and above being hurt by their childish remarks.

I correct them and model behavior by how I treat them and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).


As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.

Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?

You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).


As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.

This. I would no more tell my child that she hurt my feelings than I would tell them that she shamed me or embarrassed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

+1. I mean, we'll have discussions about don't call people names, treat others how you'd like to be treated, but in the context of their friends and peers. Does my kid or any kid ever hurt my feelings by saying some dumb thing? Nope.

[Anonymous]

What about using the phrase "you were mean to mama"? My husband recently told my son that he was mean to me (and to be fair, he was a complete and total disaster) and I can't put my finger on why that makes me uncomfortable. It seems like it puts the power in the wrong place or something.

[Anonymous]

I potty trained my kids by showing them my honest reactions to changing their diapers. It was important to me to model behavior for them. So I actually gagged and let them know I felt it was disgusting. (Those were my true feelings - why would I hide that from my kids?). I said frequently, "It makes Mommy sick when you poop in your pull-ups".

I always told my kids when they hurt my feelings. That is because my feeling were what was important - not so much their behavior or meanness. They never learned to curb their emotions around others but they are so good around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I potty trained my kids by showing them my honest reactions to changing their diapers. It was important to me to model behavior for them. So I actually gagged and let them know I felt it was disgusting. (Those were my true feelings - why would I hide that from my kids?). I said frequently, "It makes Mommy sick when you poop in your pull-ups".

I always told my kids when they hurt my feelings. That is because my feeling were what was important - not so much their behavior or meanness. They never learned to curb their emotions around others but they are so good around me.

Best post on this thread.

[Anonymous]

My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.


+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).


As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.


This. I would no more tell my child that she hurt my feelings than I would tell them that she shamed me or embarrassed me.

I find this line of thinking very odd. I wouldn't tell a toddler or preschooler that they hurt my feelings, but now that my son is in early elementary, he sometimes says things that are intended to be hurtful and I see nothing wrong with telling him in a calm way that he hurt my feelings when he does so. He doesn't do it often, but occasionally. By the time a kid is 7, he is responsible for someone else's feelings - mom or not - if he intentionally says something mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.


+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).


As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.


This. I would no more tell my child that she hurt my feelings than I would tell them that she shamed me or embarrassed me.

I find this line of thinking very odd. I wouldn't tell a toddler or preschooler that they hurt my feelings, but now that my son is in early elementary, he sometimes says things that are intended to be hurtful and I see nothing wrong with telling him in a calm way that he hurt my feelings when he does so. He doesn't do it often, but occasionally. By the time a kid is 7, he is responsible for someone else's feelings - mom or not - if he intentionally says something mean.

Bingo!! I think the people thinking this way all have toddlers or preschoolers. Just wait until your child is old enough to deliberately say something hateful to you because they are hoping to hurt your feelings. Modeling a calm way of saying "your words hurt my feelings/are hurtful to me/however you want to phrase this and you need to find better ways to communicate when you are upset" is not only appropriate, it is essential. Come back in 3-4 years when you have a school-aged child and let us know how your thinking on this has evolved.

[Anonymous]

I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.


No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?

Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.

No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.

Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?

You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.

To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.

I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.