SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore the haters/trolls.

I just wanted to say that I completely understand. I was home with my 2 kids, and one was so much more exhausting to watch then the other one. I also found it hard to get chores done during the day, it's fine if you just do them at other times. Do what works for you.

As far as the family time, if you aren't getting any family time right now, that's ok. When things calm down in a few years and your toddler is easier to handle, it will be easier to do things with the 3 of you together.

As far as your questions about how to increase each of your alone time, I think sit down with DH and instead try to figure out which alone time you each prefer the most, and try to get more of that. For example, I don't know what it was about being able to get away for just 1 hour and go to a bookstore and have a cup of coffee, but when my son was a baby I loved that. (Compared to if I had alone time at home for 1 hour, it was just ok.)

OP here. Thanks for your response. I completely relate to all of this. When I asked my husband for specifics about how much more alone time he needs and when, he was unable to tell me. He just said he knows he needs more but doesn't know how much.

For me, I know that I need alone time in the evenings to go out--eat at a restaurant, go shopping, do errands. That is the most restorative alone time for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

I love how you think working professionals in high stress jobs get regular breaks. Dream world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

[Anonymous]

OP. I hear sirens. You are bean counting and it's going to screw your marriage up big time. As someone who's been there, done that, you have to bite a bullet and give your spouse space to decompress -- although come to think of it, the man basically wakes up before 5 a.m. every day, works 12 hours and helps you at home, and takes up a good amount of his non-working time participating in child rearing, so I don't see a problem as much as I see someone who is just over their heads, needs a break, and might need to look at another option beyond being home full time. Being a SAHP is hard. But working is harder and having to keep the family financially afloat is harder, and you are lucky but just don't see it likely because you are stuck in your head about how hard everything is (note to self -- it isn't).

OP you need to find a job. I mean that. Put that kid in a home daycare and go back to work. Because the choice to stay home is just that -- a choice. And it's a choice that comes with a lack of free time when your kids are awake (hence the naps).

I am more worried about your inability to deal with a toddler gym class. You might want to go to the doctor because there may be something more serious at play there. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, doesn't your child nap? Can't you do drop off playdates to get time to yourself?

OP here. A drop off playdate for a 14 month old? Seriously?

Yes, my son takes one two hour nap per day.

Ok not a dropoff, but invite one mom and one toddler over to your house. Have her keep an eye on both kids while you do some quick chores. Next playdate at her house, return the favor. Think creatively!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

OP here. I did mention that mealtimes are our family time--dinner during the week and most meals on the weekend when husband is not working. We also do a pancake breakfast on the weekend.

This thread made me realize that growing up, we had zero "family time" except for maybe a few times a year. My father was always tired from work, and spent his weekends relaxing and reading, and my mother took me places. We almost never had "family time" and I know it was the same with my husband's family. Is family time really that important?

Um, yeah. Are you each close to your families of origin, or not? I treasure our family times, and I have two teenagers.

No, neither of us is close with our families of origin. They also live very far away.

Okay I'll spell it out for you. If you want your 14 month old to be close to you and your DH, you need to make family time a priority. Clear enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

I love how you think working professionals in high stress jobs get regular breaks. Dream world.

Big law attorney turned SAHM here. When I was working, with the exception of the most crazy hectic crisis days, I managed to find ten minutes here and there to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen, close my office door and take a break away from my email. Those breaks would occasionally get interrupted with a phone call or someone knocking on my door, but not all the time. It's completely different being home with the kids, because even if I take that break, I always have my ears/eyes on the kid to make sure she doesn't get into something, or she interrupts every 30 seconds for various reasons (or just because she wants her attention). The interruptions are relentless at home in a way they very rarely were when I worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

What toddler classes are 1.5 hours? Specifically, what classes? The consistencies in your story are growing, and it's getting frustrating to try to help you when I don't feel like we're getting the real story here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, doesn't your child nap? Can't you do drop off playdates to get time to yourself?

OP here. A drop off playdate for a 14 month old? Seriously?

Yes, my son takes one two hour nap per day.

Ok not a dropoff, but invite one mom and one toddler over to your house. Have her keep an eye on both kids while you do some quick chores. Next playdate at her house, return the favor. Think creatively!

OP here. Okay, that's a good idea. I will think about who I could invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

Why do you choose to allow those classes and activities to take up that much of your time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

I love how you think working professionals in high stress jobs get regular breaks. Dream world.

Big law attorney turned SAHM here. When I was working, with the exception of the most crazy hectic crisis days, I managed to find ten minutes here and there to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen, close my office door and take a break away from my email. Those breaks would occasionally get interrupted with a phone call or someone knocking on my door, but not all the time. It's completely different being home with the kids, because even if I take that break, I always have my ears/eyes on the kid to make sure she doesn't get into something, or she interrupts every 30 seconds for various reasons (or just because she wants her attention). The interruptions are relentless at home in a way they very rarely were when I worked.

Another attorney mom here, and being at home is ever so much more relaxing than working. Then again, I only have two children, reasonably spaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

What toddler classes are 1.5 hours? Specifically, what classes? The consistencies in your story are growing, and it's getting frustrating to try to help you when I don't feel like we're getting the real story here.

The toddler classes that are 1.5 hours are church Mommy and Me classes. They are structured classes with snack time, play time, story time, music time built in. I find them a little long but I also really enjoy them. It's nice to socialize with other moms and my son loves the structured class.

We also do toddler gym class, that is only 45 minutes long. But we do the church Mommy and Me 3 days per week.

[Anonymous]

Biglaw turned SAHM here. But the point is that this is a choice. I remember getting breaks. I also remember getting told I needed to drop what I was doing, cancel plans, and put everything toward a client issue.

I actually enjoy being a SAHM. I just think it's not a good fit for someone who can't multi-task, and who struggles with the day to day drudgery. Yes, it's fun. Yes, even I take naps sometimes. But I still deal with the regular stuff, cleaning, laundry, meal prep, and keeping my kids alive. Because I can juggle. Those who can't aren't served by being home.

OP, you get you time. Your kid naps. Your DH takes the kid on the weekends for outings without you. You volunteer and have a sitter come. I just don't get what you want short of basically having your kid in someone else's care, which means you may need to find a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

Why do you choose to allow those classes and activities to take up that much of your time?

OP here. I really enjoy the classes and I love socializing with other moms. We do a variety of morning activities--one day is playgroup, one day is gym class, and three days usually are the church Mommy and Me classes. Playgroup usually runs for 2 hours. We live in the suburbs so there is a significant drive to most of these things--at least 30 mintues each way. Like I mentioned before, with breakfast and the drive, then yes our mornings are pretty full.