Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

It's her THIRD child people. She's not going into some unknown territory, she's not on bed rest with some terribly high risk pregnancy, she's a grown woman who made a grown up decision to have a 3rd child knowing full well her husband might not be around.

It's okay to be disappointed that you didn't get you way, but it's time to buck up and stop expecting Mommy to drop her life altogether to tend to a decision that you and your husband made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned. For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that. It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want. When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house. She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it. She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges. I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM. SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that. I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired. She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen. She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day. Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks. She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time. I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time. In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer. She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that. SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section. She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home. She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help. When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one. But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved. SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me. SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled. I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, or she didn't care. I want her to have her own life and be happy. But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me. Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

It sounds like you may have asked for more than she could give one too many times. It sounds odd that a mom who was one way the first time would have been so different the next.

[Anonymous]

At least you don't have my mom. Not only does she not come, she likes to call me on the phone from afar and complain about how I'm raising her grandkids. She'll go to parties where her friends talk about their grandkids, and then call me and say, how come your kid doesn't do stuff like X? When I tell her that my kid has been doing exactly the same thing as X for years, and ask why she never asked about it until her friend mentioned it, she shuts up. Until the next party she goes to, of course.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at how hard people are being on you OP. Giving birth and having a newborn is exhausting enough without having your partner unavoidably away for an extended period (serving his country no less) and two additional children to care for. You wrote you have asked your mother for help just 3 times in the last 10 years, and that's not grounds for people to call you bratty. I hope that if I would volunteer to help a neighbor who had your level of needs--let alone helping my own daughter if I were physically able at that age.

Hugs to you OP-I don't blame you for feeling hurt--you know best whether you should air your feelings with your mother or let it fester--but at the end of the day everyone is right in that you have to accept people for what they are.

I'm glad you have the means to hire additional help OP (although I know it won't be the same as having the mom you love so much around) and hope that others in your community can help too. I wish you the best of luck with your new litle one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would expect my mom to help and my mom would volunteer to help even before I asked her. That's what family is all about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

PP you are tone deaf and will end up in a nursing home with no one visiting. I'm not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

Why is it that that only works one way--when kids want something from parents? Sounds like this mom built a life for herself after her kids left home and is not emotionally dependent upon her children (hoe often do we here bitching about clingy parents on this site!). Just as all of you adult children cannot drop everything to be everything for your parents, your parents cannot drop everything for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

PP you are tone deaf and will end up in a nursing home with no one visiting. I'm not OP.

Didn't say you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

Why is it that that only works one way--when kids want something from parents? Sounds like this mom built a life for herself after her kids left home and is not emotionally dependent upon her children (hoe often do we here bitching about clingy parents on this site!). Just as all of you adult children cannot drop everything to be everything for your parents, your parents cannot drop everything for you.

Well in my family it doesn't just work one way- it would sting a little going either way for something big in my life that I needed my mom for and vice versa. We have boundaries but also help when its needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

Oh you again! A person with no family who never gives anything and never expects anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

PP you are tone deaf and will end up in a nursing home with no one visiting. I'm not OP.

+1
I think this is the same person over and over again insisting that family is nothing more than a collection of polite acquaintances and
whenever anyone expects anything he is entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her how you feel, not to guilt her into coming, but to clear the air. Things like this can fester over time and it does no one any good.

I'm betting after she became an empty nester she had to figure out her life and her volunteering has become important to her. Not that she doesn't love you, but you have your own life and family. And once things get back to normal for you, she's left to go back to her volunteer activities ( the people she bailed on ).

This is simply the flipside of all of the posters who rant, bitch and complain when their aging parents need help and the posters have "their own lives," kids, jobs and can't be bothered by their parent's lack of planning and health issues.

Yes, it's a two-way street, for sure. OP, when you mother has a heart attack, tell her you have a prior obligation, like a PTA meeting, to attend to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

"freaking daughter" is right. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

PP you are tone deaf and will end up in a nursing home with no one visiting. I'm not OP.

+1
I think this is the same person over and over again insisting that family is nothing more than a collection of polite acquaintances and
whenever anyone expects anything he is entitled.

+1 million. Some people's priorities are totally screwed up.
OP, you have a right to feel pissed, I would be, too. It's one thing if you parent is elderly, or broke, or someone dear to them is sick.. but not coming to help your daughter when she clearly needs help, and you are perfectly able to, is extremely selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel OP. When I had baby #2, he was a preemie and in the NICU for a week. My mom went on a ski vacation and didn't even call for several days to see how the baby was.

No cell towers. Why should She call. She was on vacation. Her world does not revolve around you, your k u ds, or your problems.

Huh? You don't know there were no cell towers (why wouldn't there be?). It is absolutely outrageous that she didn't call.