Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

I am due with number 3 this fall and it appears that my military husband will have to travel two weeks after baby is born. I asked my mom to come and help for the time that i would be alone with all three and she said that she was sorry she couldn't come then due to a volunteer obligation. I really feel hurt that she would think that something like that would be more important than a new baby and two small children and her daughter really needing help. She said she could come later in the year at a time that my husband will be home to help- so not nearly as needed. I feel really slighted- she is always saying "I love you so much" but this really makes me feel like I come behind her social life and a million other things. Am I right to feel hurt and should I say something or just let it go?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely feel hurt and say something. And if she still balks, you'll have to let it go and accept that your mom is not the mom you need her to be. But definitely say something.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go.

Did she describe what her volunteer obligation was? What if it is to help someone who is in a much more dire situation than you?

Then there are the moms who won't help anyway. My mom is one of those. I wouldn't dream of asking her to come in a situation like yours, because 1) she wouldn't want to come in the first place, and 2) if I said something, she'd come, but be resentful the entire time. I'm betting your mom isn't one of these types. Feel lucky that you have a mom that cares enough to come later, and find someone else to help in the time that she can't.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom doesn't want to come. Helping out a daughter with three small kids is a lot of work. Maybe she's being realistic about what she can actually do, and doesn't want to take on that amount of work. Maybe if you say something, she'll tell you the truth, instead of trying to evade nicely.

[Anonymous]

It is okay to feel hurt, but yo need to let it go. Aside from obvious times, it is the grandparents that get to decide the terms of their relationship with you and their grandchildren. It is their life to decide how to live it.

My parents decided to be the vacation and holiday parents, and visited 1 or two times per year. We visited them more often because I wanted my children to have more time with them, but it was always on their terms. I always wanted more, but that was what they were willing to give. It was a bit of a bait and switch at the time and caught me off guard, but it is what it is.

Since you are part of the military, is there a network you can access to get help while your DH is gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go.

Did she describe what her volunteer obligation was? What if it is to help someone who is in a much more dire situation than you?

Then there are the moms who won't help anyway. My mom is one of those. I wouldn't dream of asking her to come in a situation like yours, because 1) she wouldn't want to come in the first place, and 2) if I said something, she'd come, but be resentful the entire time. I'm betting your mom isn't one of these types. Feel lucky that you have a mom that cares enough to come later, and find someone else to help in the time that she can't.

A big +1 to the bold!

[Anonymous]

Also, I thank you for having a military spouse. I realize that that is a sacrifice you and your family make for us all.

Having a third is a big shift, though, and people who may have been willing to help out more when you had two may not be as up to, or interested, in being responsible for three.

As for your mom, it's already close to Fall. When did you ask her to come down? She might have been happy to come if she hadn't already made another commitment (I don't know how much of a commitment the volunteering is). Perhaps try asking her as far in advance as possible.

[Anonymous]

Your mom doesn't want to come help. These are your kids. She is not obligated to do anything. She had her time to raise children and now she wants to have some fun. If you couldn't manage three kids then you should have been using protection.

[Anonymous]

Tell her how you feel, not to guilt her into coming, but to clear the air. Things like this can fester over time and it does no one any good.

I'm betting after she became an empty nester she had to figure out her life and her volunteering has become important to her. Not that she doesn't love you, but you have your own life and family. And once things get back to normal for you, she's left to go back to her volunteer activities ( the people she bailed on ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom doesn't want to come help. These are your kids. She is not obligated to do anything. She had her time to raise children and now she wants to have some fun. If you couldn't manage three kids then you should have been using protection.

I knew you'd show up.

[Anonymous]

How dare she not cancel on an existing commitment because you want her to?

Can you even hear how entitled you sound? Your kids are your responsibility. Help from family can be asked for when needed, and should always be appreciated (even if not at the "right" time), but is not owed to you.

I get that you are stressed and were hoping that your mom would alleviate that, but you have a military husband, so it's not like his absence during the early days of #3 is an unforeseeable event. You knew this was a possibility (I'm military myself), so you should have a) talked it through with your mom before it came up ("I feel confident that I can't handle 3 kids by myself until the baby is X months old. If DH has to leave before then, would you be able to make helping out a priority?"), and b) sought out multiple backup plans (neighborhood teen mother's helper, classmate who is willing to handle carpools, friends from church, wives of DH's shipmates/whatever group is available, other friends or relatives). You had exactly one plan "If DH has to leave, my mother will drop everything and help me for several weeks."

Your mom is no obligated to justify her priorities to you. She has a committment during that time. She is not being a bad mom; she is keeping her word to the people in her life.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for the replies. I asked her a while ago and just talked to her again and she said, "I so wish I could be there!"- like she was SO concerned for me- and I wanted to say- you COULD- the volunteer thing is a writing group that SHE organizes and controls the schedule for. She is always talking about how busy she is- hosting dinners and company- and just doesn't have any time to visit but says she wants to see us more. I think it is her attitude that is bothering me- call a spade a spade- you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you. I know I should be glad that she even says she cares- and to the snarky poster- I am looking into hiring someone for the time I need help- I just wanted to believe that it is family you can count on- because you can be sure if someone in my family needed me and I was in her position I would drop everything and do what I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How dare she not cancel on an existing commitment because you want her to?

Can you even hear how entitled you sound? Your kids are your responsibility. Help from family can be asked for when needed, and should always be appreciated (even if not at the "right" time), but is not owed to you.

I get that you are stressed and were hoping that your mom would alleviate that, but you have a military husband, so it's not like his absence during the early days of #3 is an unforeseeable event. You knew this was a possibility (I'm military myself), so you should have a) talked it through with your mom before it came up ("I feel confident that I can't handle 3 kids by myself until the baby is X months old. If DH has to leave before then, would you be able to make helping out a priority?"), and b) sought out multiple backup plans (neighborhood teen mother's helper, classmate who is willing to handle carpools, friends from church, wives of DH's shipmates/whatever group is available, other friends or relatives). You had exactly one plan "If DH has to leave, my mother will drop everything and help me for several weeks."

Your mom is no obligated to justify her priorities to you. She has a committment during that time. She is not being a bad mom; she is keeping her word to the people in her life.

10000x this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I asked her a while ago and just talked to her again and she said, "I so wish I could be there!"- like she was SO concerned for me- and I wanted to say- you COULD- the volunteer thing is a writing group that SHE organizes and controls the schedule for. She is always talking about how busy she is- hosting dinners and company- and just doesn't have any time to visit but says she wants to see us more. I think it is her attitude that is bothering me- call a spade a spade- you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you. I know I should be glad that she even says she cares- and to the snarky poster- I am looking into hiring someone for the time I need help- I just wanted to believe that it is family you can count on- because you can be sure if someone in my family needed me and I was in her position I would drop everything and do what I could.

Yes, she COULD give up the things that are important in her day-to-day life to be at your beck and call, just like you COULD put the new baby up for adoption and avoid having to be inconvenienced. Just because something is technically possible doesn't mean that it's no big deal or a reasonable hing to ask. She expresses love and concern and offers help and you're pissed that she isn't willing to bail on her existing commitments because you have more kids than you can handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her how you feel, not to guilt her into coming, but to clear the air. Things like this can fester over time and it does no one any good.

I'm betting after she became an empty nester she had to figure out her life and her volunteering has become important to her. Not that she doesn't love you, but you have your own life and family. And once things get back to normal for you, she's left to go back to her volunteer activities ( the people she bailed on ).

This is simply the flipside of all of the posters who rant, bitch and complain when their aging parents need help and the posters have "their own lives," kids, jobs and can't be bothered by their parent's lack of planning and health issues.