Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is I'll owe her nothing.

Did you and OP talk to your moms before choosing to have babies? If you didn't, why would your choice be even remotely their responsibility?

If you read, I never said it was her responsibility, and I never had an expectation for her to help. I was just stating what she did, that's all. I learned from experience to not have any expectations, family or not.

I didn't say you said that. Why are you complaining then if you had no expectation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is I'll owe her nothing.

Did you and OP talk to your moms before choosing to have babies? If you didn't, why would your choice be even remotely their responsibility?

It's not their responsibility, obviously, but in normal families (something you are clearly unfamiliar with) it's a part of a give and take.

I guess you're right. In my family, if we want someone to do something, we ask, and if they can't, we don't whine about it.

[Anonymous]

My parents abandon me when I was an early teenager, so my sister came to help me for three days when my first was born. It was a great help and comfort to me. I had no help for my second and third. I really didn't expect any. My MIL never expressed any interest in helping us. I put a lot of energy into bringing my kids to their house so they could establish a relationship.

Now my children have grown up and I have a large number of grandchildren. They are the lights of my life. I was there when each was born and stayed as long as I could (I was still working then). Now I am retired and I see helping my kids with my grand kids to be my "job." I can't imagine putting volunteering in front of time with my grandkids. I get so much satisfaction from being with them. I think it may only be people like me who have had to make it without parental support who understand how important it is!

[Anonymous]

I find this topic so fascinating. I was recently discussing the subject of family help with my younger sister- neither of us have kids yet, but she lives in the same city as my parents, whereas DH and I live away from both my parents and ILs.

She 100% expects my mom to be the primary babysitter for her future kids. My mom still works herself, so depending on when sis plans on having these kids (errr, convinces her immature boyfriend that it's time to get married) my mom is likely to either still be working or newly retired. Who knows, she may want something to do, but she also does a lot for my grandma (who's in a retirement community). But the assumption on my sister's part was interesting to me. But it may just be because I don't even remotely have that option that it is foreign to me.

FWIW, when our mom was pregnant with me, her mom told her straight up not to expect her to be my babysitter. My mom still feels slighted by this (and somehow my sis feels slighted by association, lol) but I completely understand why my gram felt that way: 1) my mom was the oldest of five kids, 2) her youngest brother was 10 when I was born, 3) therefore gram was still raising kids herself!! Why would she want to take on a baby too. I love my gram and have always had a good relationship with her, and she did many things for us over the years (my mom SAH upon having my sis a couple years later). And when circumstances changed years later and my grandfather passed away, she did become the primary sitter for my then newborn cousin, and confessed not long ago how much that helped to fill the void. But to this day, my mom still feels slighted that my gram did this for my aunt and not her! So I suppose my sis just assumes my mom will do for her what she didn't get from her own mother.

[Anonymous]

PP, your sister probably interpreted your mother's strong feelings of being slighted as an indication of her belief that mothers should be available to their daughters and grandchildren. Makes sense, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I'm actually floored at the responses. I think your request is quite reasonable. I wouldn't ask my parents to help as they are too selfish but I hope my kids will ask me for help.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

BABY BOOMERS!!!

[Anonymous]

These replies are insane. My husband was deployed when my first was born. My mom hopped on a plane that night and was with me before I was discharged from the hospital. OP's mom is selfish and doesn't know the meaning of family.

OP, check into a postpartum doula.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BABY BOOMERS!!!

Actually, the pre-boomer/late WWII generation (now in their late 70's and early 80's) can be a pretty selfish bunch, too.

[Anonymous]

Ummm no. It sounds like you have a whole bunch of history and entitlement with your mom. How did the last visit to? Did you spend the whole time wanting things exactly your way? Maybe mom checked out because she doesn't have the stomach for your nonsense this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BABY BOOMERS!!!

Actually, the pre-boomer/late WWII generation (now in their late 70's and early 80's) can be a pretty selfish bunch, too.

As can the millennials. Perhaps, selfishness is just a human trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BABY BOOMERS!!!

Actually, the pre-boomer/late WWII generation (now in their late 70's and early 80's) can be a pretty selfish bunch, too.

This is the "Silent Generation", which came after the "Greatest Generation".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is Ill owe her nothing.

I never asked my Asian mom to come help me after the birth of my two kids, because I knew she would never want to come. She'd rather watch movies on her iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BABY BOOMERS!!!

Actually, the pre-boomer/late WWII generation (now in their late 70's and early 80's) can be a pretty selfish bunch, too.

As can the millennials. Perhaps, selfishness is just a human trait.

Speak for yourself. Gen X is flawless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is Ill owe her nothing.

I never asked my Asian mom to come help me after the birth of my two kids, because I knew she would never want to come. She'd rather watch movies on her iPhone.

Haha. My mom would rather watch chinese soap operas on the computer too. Actually one time, I had to leave my infant son with her and I left him in the carseat since he was sleeping at the time. When I came back a few hours later, he was still in there and she was rocking his carseat with her foo while watching some chinese tv show. That was the last time I left him with her. I just hire someone now to babysit. I recently told my friend's mom that not everyone wants to take care of her grandchild, and she had to most puzzled look at her face.