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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned.  For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that.  It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want.  When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her  vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house.  She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it.  She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges.  I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM.  SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that.  I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired.  She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen.  She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day.   Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks.  She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time.  I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time.  In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks.  She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer.  She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that.  SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section.  She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home.  She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help.  When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one.  But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved.  SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me.  SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

[b]I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled.  I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, [/b]or she didn't care.  I want her to have her own life and be happy.  But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me.   Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

[/quote]

It sounds like you may have asked for more than she could give one too many times.  It sounds odd that a mom who was one way the first time would have been so different the next.[/quote]

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