Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

You should hire someone to help you when your baby arrives and stop using your vacation time when she decides it's convenient to visit. I understand your desire to build a relationship between your kids and their grandmother, but you shouldn't bear the responsibility alone. I spent 6 years shuttling my kids on airplanes to visit their grandparents and cousins for holidays, birthdays, etc. I used all of my vacation time on visits to my family and my in-laws in the hopes that they would have the relationship I had with my grandparents. Shortly after my youngest was born I suggested that maybe my parents could come here for Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to travel with the kids (including a 1 month old). They declined, but sent a flower arrangement. I quickly realized that I was doing all of the work. My DH and I hadn't been on a "vacation" since our kids had been born that didn't involve traveling to visit relatives. They usually visit once a year for about 48 hrs.

It took me a long time to realize that they have grandchildren nearby that satisfy their needs and don't need mine except to show up once a year so they can get a photo of all of them together that they can use for the holiday card. When two of my kids were both graduating from their schools (one was asked to give a speech to the graduating class) it was particularly odd not to have any of their grandparents there. I was seated next to grandparents from far away places (Japan, India, etc.) but ours weren't able to make the 1.5 hour flight due to their schedules and commitments. They are all retired, healthy and travel regularly.

We recently traveled to attend a milestone birthday celebration for my mother - we stayed 48 hours and they were annoyed we didn't stay longer. It's okay to feel sad that your kids won't have the relationship you had hoped for with their grandmother, but it's best to come to terms with it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should hire someone to help you when your baby arrives and stop using your vacation time when she decides it's convenient to visit. I understand your desire to build a relationship between your kids and their grandmother, but you shouldn't bear the responsibility alone. I spent 6 years shuttling my kids on airplanes to visit their grandparents and cousins for holidays, birthdays, etc. I used all of my vacation time on visits to my family and my in-laws in the hopes that they would have the relationship I had with my grandparents. Shortly after my youngest was born I suggested that maybe my parents could come here for Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to travel with the kids (including a 1 month old). They declined, but sent a flower arrangement. I quickly realized that I was doing all of the work. My DH and I hadn't been on a "vacation" since our kids had been born that didn't involve traveling to visit relatives. They usually visit once a year for about 48 hrs.

It took me a long time to realize that they have grandchildren nearby that satisfy their needs and don't need mine except to show up once a year so they can get a photo of all of them together that they can use for the holiday card. When two of my kids were both graduating from their schools (one was asked to give a speech to the graduating class) it was particularly odd not to have any of their grandparents there. I was seated next to grandparents from far away places (Japan, India, etc.) but ours weren't able to make the 1.5 hour flight due to their schedules and commitments. They are all retired, healthy and travel regularly.

We recently traveled to attend a milestone birthday celebration for my mother - we stayed 48 hours and they were annoyed we didn't stay longer. It's okay to feel sad that your kids won't have the relationship you had hoped for with their grandmother, but it's best to come to terms with it now.

So what? Your decisions have nothing to do with your parents. Be happy they sent the flowers.

[Anonymous]

My mother had four children with a military spouse who was hardly around and never was much help with the kids when he was. They moved every few years to stations all over the world. Most of the time, she had no household help and her mother was unavailable. I hope you have designated several guardians for your two children who are willing to take a third if something should happen to you or your husband. Did you check with them yet? People assume someone will step up and take all their children and not split them up. Let me tell you--it is a LOT to ask and they can always decline when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had four children with a military spouse who was hardly around and never was much help with the kids when he was. They moved every few years to stations all over the world. Most of the time, she had no household help and her mother was unavailable. I hope you have designated several guardians for your two children who are willing to take a third if something should happen to you or your husband. Did you check with them yet? People assume someone will step up and take all their children and not split them up. Let me tell you--it is a LOT to ask and they can always decline when the time comes.

I don't get this- you should check with guardians before having kids? That seems extreme.

OP, FWIW I don't have the kind of boundary laden/ distant relationships with my family that a lot of people on this board seem to have. It would hurt me if my mom declined but I would also hope that she would tell me the reasons behind her declining, which I think she would if she ever did.

Its ok to be hurt when you see other kinds of relationships that you wish to have! But its best to move on and work with what you have rather than hold on to that hurt

[Anonymous]

OP- I would be friends with you but not many of the posters on this thread. I would find it incredibly hurtful and self absorbed too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your mom wants to talk the talk, but not walk the walk, and you're the one making more of an effort for her than she is for you. Try to appreciate that she still does love you.

FWIW, my in-laws are retired and are very busy with various volunteer things, but make it a priority to travel to see us and accommodate our work schedules. They're really great.

[Anonymous]

OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned. For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that. It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want. When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house. She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it. She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges. I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM. SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that. I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired. She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen. She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day. Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks. She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time. I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time. In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer. She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that. SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section. She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home. She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help. When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one. But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved. SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me. SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled. I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, or she didn't care. I want her to have her own life and be happy. But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me. Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your mom wants to talk the talk, but not walk the walk, and you're the one making more of an effort for her than she is for you. Try to appreciate that she still does love you.

FWIW, my in-laws are retired and are very busy with various volunteer things, but make it a priority to travel to see us and accommodate our work schedules. They're really great.

They are great because they accommodate YOU????
There are some truly selfish battle axes on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned. For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that. It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want. When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house. She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it. She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges. I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM. SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that. I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired. She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen. She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day. Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks. She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time. I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time. In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer. She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that. SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section. She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home. She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help. When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one. But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved. SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me. SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled. I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, or she didn't care. I want her to have her own life and be happy. But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me. Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

Wow -- my mom did the same for me when my baby was born. Which is why I would totally be over it if she declined this go 'round. Disappointed, yes, but not hurt.
Damn, do any of you have parents that did anything for them when they were kids? Do you your 60 and 70 yr old parents have the right to decline your requests?
Want them to be involved, disappointed when your desires and theirs don't always line up, yes. But, to feel so entitled as many of you do, is beyond the pale. It is everything I can do to try to do for my mom so that she can enjoy her golden years. Geez, your parents cannot be at your beck and call your entire lives.
I guess we should blame the parents for this spoiled behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your mom wants to talk the talk, but not walk the walk, and you're the one making more of an effort for her than she is for you. Try to appreciate that she still does love you.

FWIW, my in-laws are retired and are very busy with various volunteer things, but make it a priority to travel to see us and accommodate our work schedules. They're really great.

They are great because they accommodate YOU????
There are some truly selfish battle axes on this thread.

By which I mean if they want to come for 3-4 days, they do it over a weekend rather than smack in the middle of the work week like OP's mom so we can take a day or two off and see them for the whole visit. They're retired, we're not. We'd like to see them more than the 2 times a year we make the trip to their state and are glad they like visiting us. They love visiting, and we love having them. I was just saying that OP's instinct that the volunteering thing is just an excuse. No one owes a grown relative anything, but it hurts when you feel like you're not a priority for someone you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned. For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that. It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want. When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house. She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it. She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges. I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM. SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that. I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired. She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen. She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day. Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks. She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time. I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time. In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer. She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that. SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section. She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home. She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help. When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one. But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved. SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me. SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled. I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, or she didn't care. I want her to have her own life and be happy. But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me. Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

Wow -- my mom did the same for me when my baby was born. Which is why I would totally be over it if she declined this go 'round. Disappointed, yes, but not hurt.
Damn, do any of you have parents that did anything for them when they were kids? Do you your 60 and 70 yr old parents have the right to decline your requests?
Want them to be involved, disappointed when your desires and theirs don't always line up, yes. But, to feel so entitled as many of you do, is beyond the pale. It is everything I can do to try to do for my mom so that she can enjoy her golden years. Geez, your parents cannot be at your beck and call your entire lives.
I guess we should blame the parents for this spoiled behaviour.

PP here. Maybe so. But as a mom now, I can't fathom wanting to be anywhere BUT with my daughter after she has a baby, so long as she wants and needs me. It's not like I asked my mom to come be my nanny for 6 months. She spent maybe 3 weeks last time, helping some but also bonding and relaxing, and it meant the world to me. And her, or so she says. SHe doesn't owe me anything, but if you really wouldn't be at all hurt in this situation, you're pretty different from everyone I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I wonder if there is more that you haven't mentioned. For me, I am not disappointed because my mom has failed to live up to some idea of what a grandmother "should" be, or what I feel i am "owed" in terms of help, or anything like that. It's that she has failed to live up to the promises she made, and still makes, the example she has set before, and the type of relationship she claims to want. When my first DC was born 3 years ago, my mom was still working. She saved up her vacation time and spent the first 3 weeks after my DH went back to work staying at my house. She helped some with stuff like meals and laundry, but she spent a good deal of the time lying on the couch next to me while we both cooed at the baby, and holding my head while I sobbed because I just didn't think I could do it. She got up in the middle of the night to bottle-feed while I pumped, she drove me to the doctor when my stitches got infected, she brought me cottage cheese and fruit when I had no appetite for regular food, and she patiently helped me go over and over and over the pros and cons of trying to breastfeed in the face of many challenges. I have an amazing DH, but at that time I was so happy to have my MOM. SHe and I have had our issues over the years, but that period was like a time-out from all of that. I treasure those memories so much.

Since then, my mom has retired. She works out daily, does Pilates, and is as healthy and active as any 64-year-old you have ever seen. She and my stepdad spend a lot of time traveling, including spending most of the summer at their house in the mountains, hiking and kayaking every day. Still, she is totally enchanted with my 3-year-old DD, as she has been since those first weeks. She visits pretty often and they have a really nice relationship.

When I had my second child last September, I naively expected that my mom would come again for a similar length of time. I knew it would be different b/c we would need her help more with my older DD, but I was waiting for that "time out" feeling and the comfort she gave me last time. In May, she decided to plan an elective medical procedure, which was pretty routine but would cause her to be restricted from lifting over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. She decided to hold off on the procedure until late August, so that it wouldn't interfere wiht her kayaking over the summer. She didn't want to wait until early October because she had another "active" vacation planned right after that. SHe ended up having the procedure 3 days before my scheduled c-section. She came for a few days when the baby was born, but not suprisingly she didn't feel well enough to do much, and she wanted to be at home. She came back a few weeks later once she had recovered, but only for a weekend and it was very much a "visit," rather than to bond/help. When I asked her, for the first time ever, to come be with me while my DH traveled, so I could have some company for my first night alone wiht both girls, her response was that they were planning to be at their summer home for several weeks and ask if I was absolutely sure I couldn't find a sitter to help.

If my mom hadn't been so amazing with my first baby, I would have had no expectations for the second one. But since she was, it really felt like a loss not to have her be nearly as involved. SUre, she has a right to do whatever she wants, but I was hurt that she didn't want to be with me. SHe has said many times how much she enjoyed that time with me and DD1.

I have my theories as to why her attitude has changed so much, but she's not exactly easy to talk to, and every time I've tried I feel like I sound spoiled and entitled. I tried to tell her I missed her company more than anything but I don't think she believed it, or she didn't care. I want her to have her own life and be happy. But since her life consists of basically 100% recreation, socializing, and fun, I thought she would want to be wiht me. Also in the meantime my MIL has moved across the country, so I didn't even have teh small amount of help she gave us last time.

Wow -- my mom did the same for me when my baby was born. Which is why I would totally be over it if she declined this go 'round. Disappointed, yes, but not hurt.
Damn, do any of you have parents that did anything for them when they were kids? Do you your 60 and 70 yr old parents have the right to decline your requests?
Want them to be involved, disappointed when your desires and theirs don't always line up, yes. But, to feel so entitled as many of you do, is beyond the pale. It is everything I can do to try to do for my mom so that she can enjoy her golden years. Geez, your parents cannot be at your beck and call your entire lives.
I guess we should blame the parents for this spoiled behaviour.

PP here. Maybe so. But as a mom now, I can't fathom wanting to be anywhere BUT with my daughter after she has a baby, so long as she wants and needs me. It's not like I asked my mom to come be my nanny for 6 months. She spent maybe 3 weeks last time, helping some but also bonding and relaxing, and it meant the world to me. And her, or so she says. SHe doesn't owe me anything, but if you really wouldn't be at all hurt in this situation, you're pretty different from everyone I know.

I can understand being disappointed, but i can also understand being 60 something and wanting to take some time for me. IJS

[Anonymous]

OP what about your MIL? Or your sister?

[Anonymous]

Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your mom wants to talk the talk, but not walk the walk, and you're the one making more of an effort for her than she is for you. Try to appreciate that she still does love you.

FWIW, my in-laws are retired and are very busy with various volunteer things, but make it a priority to travel to see us and accommodate our work schedules. They're really great.

They are great because they accommodate YOU????
There are some truly selfish battle axes on this thread.

Not pp, but yeah it's not crazy or selfish to expect retirees to accommodate the schedules of people who are still working, having school schedules and limited annual leave. Life isn't fair.

God DCUM is feeling nasty today.