Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

You asked, she said no. It's time to move on and find someone to help out instead of whining on a public forum. I know this is very harsh, but sometimes it's necessary.

You know she loves you, she's not perfect, she accepts you flaws and all, you should do the same. Sure it may hurt your feelings initially, but have you never hurt hers either unintentionally? You both love one another, you both have one another, she's not the help.

Signed,

A motherless daughter who would love to have a Mom around whether they are helping or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked, she said no. It's time to move on and find someone to help out instead of whining on a public forum. I know this is very harsh, but sometimes it's necessary.

You know she loves you, she's not perfect, she accepts you flaws and all, you should do the same. Sure it may hurt your feelings initially, but have you never hurt hers either unintentionally? You both love one another, you both have one another, she's not the help.

Signed,

A motherless daughter who would love to have a Mom around whether they are helping or not.

Me too. I'm amazed at the grown women, who expect their mothers to still take care of them. My mom died when I was quite young - I'd just love my mother to be around - she needn't ever lift a finger for me. Love and appreciate people for who they are, not for what they do for you. Unfortunately, many people only realize this when it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How dare she not cancel on an existing commitment because you want her to?

Can you even hear how entitled you sound? Your kids are your responsibility. Help from family can be asked for when needed, and should always be appreciated (even if not at the "right" time), but is not owed to you.

I get that you are stressed and were hoping that your mom would alleviate that, but you have a military husband, so it's not like his absence during the early days of #3 is an unforeseeable event. You knew this was a possibility (I'm military myself), so you should have a) talked it through with your mom before it came up ("I feel confident that I can't handle 3 kids by myself until the baby is X months old. If DH has to leave before then, would you be able to make helping out a priority?"), and b) sought out multiple backup plans (neighborhood teen mother's helper, classmate who is willing to handle carpools, friends from church, wives of DH's shipmates/whatever group is available, other friends or relatives). You had exactly one plan "If DH has to leave, my mother will drop everything and help me for several weeks."

Your mom is no obligated to justify her priorities to you. She has a committment during that time. She is not being a bad mom; she is keeping her word to the people in her life.

Wow! I am shocked by your response. OP has a real need here. She is not asking mom's help because she is going on a cruise. Yeah, eventually she will survive, with a messy house and junk food - but I hope the mom will have no expectation of her DD and son-in-law helping her when she is old and gets a stroke.

My mom and dad came and helped out for a whole year and my DH and I will always be thankful for that. What kind of a cold fish is your mom?

[Anonymous]

OP again- so my questions were:
1. Am I wrong to feel hurt?
It looks like the majority of people think that I shouldn't feel slighted that she said no she couldn't help because it would interfere with a volunteer social plan that she could change.
2. Should I talk to her about how her choice made me feel?
No, because I am being a brat for wanting my mom with me at what I believe will be a tough time.
I guess I will just move on an say, "Ok, we will be happy to see you when you are able to come". I do a lot on my own and have asked for help from her exactly 3 times in the last 10 years- the birth of my first- she did come for a week- a time when my sister had a real emotional trauma and I asked her to come and help me support her through a really difficult tragedy- she was on a two month trip and said she couldn't change her travel plans and this week that I asked for help after delivering #3. I didn't even ask her to help after number two because I had a nanny at the time- she came to see baby after about a month when she didn't have anything going on. I CAN hire help and will do that- but I hope when my children have a need that I will do everything possible to be there for them and will treasure those times where it isn't just about helping out it is about showing someone that you value them and WANT to the be the person that they can count on no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked, she said no. It's time to move on and find someone to help out instead of whining on a public forum. I know this is very harsh, but sometimes it's necessary.

You know she loves you, she's not perfect, she accepts you flaws and all, you should do the same. Sure it may hurt your feelings initially, but have you never hurt hers either unintentionally? You both love one another, you both have one another, she's not the help.

Signed,

A motherless daughter who would love to have a Mom around whether they are helping or not.

Me too. I'm amazed at the grown women, who expect their mothers to still take care of them. My mom died when I was quite young - I'd just love my mother to be around - she needn't ever lift a finger for me. Love and appreciate people for who they are, not for what they do for you. Unfortunately, many people only realize this when it's too late.

Both PPs, since your mothers have already passed away, there is no way they can help you, right?

OP would have the same reaction if she was a motherless child.

[Anonymous]

Good for your mom!

[Anonymous]

OP again- I also think it is related to overall priorities. We always welcome her anytime- she usually visits for about 3 or 4 days twice a year- and usually those days are during the week- like- ok- I am going to come visit Tuesday and leave Saturday morning- so I take off work to spend time with her when it is convenient for her to come. I always take vacation time off work to take the kids to see her when I can and when she says she is available for us to visit. I think I just wish she cared more about family relationships- when my sister had a baby this spring- I was the one there helping her and doing all I could to help and I know that when my mom does end up needing me- I will do all that I am able to do to help. I guess I need to accept the fact that we are different people and have different priorities in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's completely fair for you to feel hurt. As you know, there are moms/grandmas out there who are much more available than she is making herself, and I think it's OK for you to wish that she was otherwise.

I also think it's fair for you to let her know how you feel. If she says she wishes she could be there? Tell her you do, too. If she says she'd like to see you all more? Tell her you wish that, too.

--DD whose mom dropped everything to help out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How dare she not cancel on an existing commitment because you want her to?

Can you even hear how entitled you sound? Your kids are your responsibility. Help from family can be asked for when needed, and should always be appreciated (even if not at the "right" time), but is not owed to you.

I get that you are stressed and were hoping that your mom would alleviate that, but you have a military husband, so it's not like his absence during the early days of #3 is an unforeseeable event. You knew this was a possibility (I'm military myself), so you should have a) talked it through with your mom before it came up ("I feel confident that I can't handle 3 kids by myself until the baby is X months old. If DH has to leave before then, would you be able to make helping out a priority?"), and b) sought out multiple backup plans (neighborhood teen mother's helper, classmate who is willing to handle carpools, friends from church, wives of DH's shipmates/whatever group is available, other friends or relatives). You had exactly one plan "If DH has to leave, my mother will drop everything and help me for several weeks."

Your mom is no obligated to justify her priorities to you. She has a committment during that time. She is not being a bad mom; she is keeping her word to the people in her life.

Wow! I am shocked by your response. OP has a real need here. She is not asking mom's help because she is going on a cruise. Yeah, eventually she will survive, with a messy house and junk food - but I hope the mom will have no expectation of her DD and son-in-law helping her when she is old and gets a stroke.

My mom and dad came and helped out for a whole year and my DH and I will always be thankful for that. What kind of a cold fish is your mom?

She may have a real need, but not a real need that can only be filled by the OP's mom. It is a few weeks. It will probably be more help to hire a short-term babysitter or nanny who is a professional and is trained in taking care of three kids at once. That is a lot for anyone, and probably too much for an elderly parent.

[Anonymous]

OP it's ok, and understandable to feel hurt. Then you need to get over it, accept your mother for who she is, and figure out how to run your life without depending on her.

Being your mother doesn't mean you don't have to "man up" and handle the realities of caring for the three children you've chosen to have with someone who is on active duty.

I'm not trying to be unkind - just pragmatic. You have to grow up and stop relying on your mother or hoping she will be there for you in a way she is either unable or unwilling to be.

I get that you're hurt. Fine. Deal with that, and separately deal with the realities of figuring out how to get the help you need.

FWIW, it is often INFINITELY easier to manage childcare help that you hire, than to handle family dynamics involved in all that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Oh - and you do sound awfully judgmental about her choices. I can't believe that goes unnoticed by her or that it feels particularly great on her side. She is allowed to have a life and not be at your beck and call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- I also think it is related to overall priorities. We always welcome her anytime- she usually visits for about 3 or 4 days twice a year- and usually those days are during the week- like- ok- I am going to come visit Tuesday and leave Saturday morning- so I take off work to spend time with her when it is convenient for her to come. I always take vacation time off work to take the kids to see her when I can and when she says she is available for us to visit. I think I just wish she cared more about family relationships- when my sister had a baby this spring- I was the one there helping her and doing all I could to help and I know that when my mom does end up needing me- I will do all that I am able to do to help. I guess I need to accept the fact that we are different people and have different priorities in life.

Did your mom put in a lot with you when you were young? My parents were great, active parents. They are now active, social retirees with their own lives and own commitments. They did come for a few days when our son was born, but I knew that they couldn't stay longer and put their lives on hold. They visit when they can and we visit when we can, but I want them to be having a fun, social retirement. They put in a lot of time as parents and they get to be grandparents on their own terms. Hire some help and FaceTime with your parents as often as you can so that they can get to know your kids without the burden of traveling.

[Anonymous]

My brother's wife did this. She does this a lot. Wouldn't go with my SIL to her first baby's first ultrasound; then my SIL had to have a scheduled C-section, and the mom was busy "taking a class in flower decoration." I kid you not.

My mom jumped in to fill the void. Unfortunately, with every slight from her own mother, it brought out the grating contrast between her own mother and my (very happy, generous, kind) mother. And my SIL started not liking my mother.

So I just want to say, OP, that I'm sorry about your own mom. Please don't do what my SIL did. Please see who is around that can assist you, and who want to assist you, and be thankful for what you have. And at least, you have clarity about your mom. And I know that's not what you wanted and for that I am truly sorry. : (

[Anonymous]

It is OK to feel hurt, but you have to let it go, otherwise your relationship will be damaged. I think it is OK for your mother to say she can't help. She is allowed to live her life, and while it would be nice of her to help, she doesn't have to.

I guess the part of your post that bothers me most is your reference to your military husband, as if that makes him special in some way, and the fact that you simply say he has to travel, not deploy, and there is no mention of how long he has to travel.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. My Mom told me if I had a second child she would not help me and she kept her word. LOL. I couldn't really be upset with her, she raised me and her job with babies is over. Im trying to get my house on the market and she did offer to come over and help DE-clutter so at least that is something.