Mom Too Busy to Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's her THIRD child people. She's not going into some unknown territory, she's not on bed rest with some terribly high risk pregnancy, she's a grown woman who made a grown up decision to have a 3rd child knowing full well her husband might not be around.

It's okay to be disappointed that you didn't get you way, but it's time to buck up and stop expecting Mommy to drop her life altogether to tend to a decision that you and your husband made.

To drop her life? What life? Nobody who has a life has time to do worthless library volunteering.

So what the mom does in her life is worthless? Volunteering is a worthless action and only those that have no life engage in it and they should be able to run to the beck and call of a grown adult daughter who is not in a life or death state because the mom's life is worth less than the wants of a spoiled adult child.

Got it.

it's not that the mom's life is worth less (??), it's that volunteering has little value. if it had value, it would be paid. OP's mom's life, like that of many retirees, is EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY. they travel, socialize and volunteer - ie they are of no use to anyone. helping family is an opportunity for those people to have some meaning in their lives.. this is why so many grandparents DO want to help.

(slow whistle) Nice to see how you view the parent volunteers who help out in your child's classroom.

At the end of the day, it does not matter that the activity is without value to you - it has value to OP's mom.

Way I see, I am thrilled that my parents are busy volunterring and such. Because they have full lives independent of me and my family. There are a lot of threads on here about how the elderly parents are always around, not giving space, etc. I do not have that problem and I am glad because of it.

Add to that, my mother was a ES teacher for 40 years. I would be very relectant to ask her to help me with childcare in a non-emergency situation.

.

I am not denying that it has value for OPs mom, just that it is in fact no value to society. When society values something it pays for it. I find it funny when people here live on ramen noodles, no cable, used clthes etc, their whole lives in order to be able to retire only to then start pursuing pointless pretend-work on order to feel valuable.

I don't believe that grandparents should be baby sitting regularly but this is pretty close to emergency situation. Certainly it's not something that happens every day. I am a working mom as my mom was before me and I absolutely do not think think that all parents' needs should be subservient to children. But people here leave important business meetings in order to attent some worthless kindergarten play (or stop working altogether) and then, 20 years later, can't be there for the birth of a grandchild because they can't skip their reading group meeting. Ridiculous.

Where on earth have you been living?

You've never known people to do something for free because they know the recipient can't pay for it? You've never thought to do something like that yourself? Sounds like you don't belong in a society at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's her THIRD child people. She's not going into some unknown territory, she's not on bed rest with some terribly high risk pregnancy, she's a grown woman who made a grown up decision to have a 3rd child knowing full well her husband might not be around.

It's okay to be disappointed that you didn't get you way, but it's time to buck up and stop expecting Mommy to drop her life altogether to tend to a decision that you and your husband made.

To drop her life? What life? Nobody who has a life has time to do worthless library volunteering.

So what the mom does in her life is worthless? Volunteering is a worthless action and only those that have no life engage in it and they should be able to run to the beck and call of a grown adult daughter who is not in a life or death state because the mom's life is worth less than the wants of a spoiled adult child.

Got it.

it's not that the mom's life is worth less (??), it's that volunteering has little value. if it had value, it would be paid. OP's mom's life, like that of many retirees, is EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY. they travel, socialize and volunteer - ie they are of no use to anyone. helping family is an opportunity for those people to have some meaning in their lives.. this is why so many grandparents DO want to help.

(slow whistle) Nice to see how you view the parent volunteers who help out in your child's classroom.

At the end of the day, it does not matter that the activity is without value to you - it has value to OP's mom.

Way I see, I am thrilled that my parents are busy volunterring and such. Because they have full lives independent of me and my family. There are a lot of threads on here about how the elderly parents are always around, not giving space, etc. I do not have that problem and I am glad because of it.

Add to that, my mother was a ES teacher for 40 years. I would be very relectant to ask her to help me with childcare in a non-emergency situation.

.

I am not denying that it has value for OPs mom, just that it is in fact no value to society. When society values something it pays for it. I find it funny when people here live on ramen noodles, no cable, used clthes etc, their whole lives in order to be able to retire only to then start pursuing pointless pretend-work on order to feel valuable.

I don't believe that grandparents should be baby sitting regularly but this is pretty close to emergency situation. Certainly it's not something that happens every day. I am a working mom as my mom was before me and I absolutely do not think think that all parents' needs should be subservient to children. But people here leave important business meetings in order to attent some worthless kindergarten play (or stop working altogether) and then, 20 years later, can't be there for the birth of a grandchild because they can't skip their reading group meeting. Ridiculous.

Where on earth have you been living?

You've never known people to do something for free because they know the recipient can't pay for it? You've never thought to do something like that yourself? Sounds like you don't belong in a society at all.

I am sorry, you seem kinda ignorant of basic economics. Prices reflect the need for a service, they are the most efficient way to allocate resources. Volunteering is very inefficient. If you want to help, do your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

Why is it that that only works one way--when kids want something from parents? Sounds like this mom built a life for herself after her kids left home and is not emotionally dependent upon her children (hoe often do we here bitching about clingy parents on this site!). Just as all of you adult children cannot drop everything to be everything for your parents, your parents cannot drop everything for you.

I do drop everything when my parents need something serious. The daughter isn't having a nervous breakdown because Neiman Marcus doesn't have the right dress in her size. She is having a child, the mother's grandson and she needs help. This is serious. Mom needs to help. If she was sick, that's fine but for the volunteering? VOLUNTEERING??? Who needs help more than daughter?

Don't understand this.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Call me entitled but I would feel shocked if my mom wouldn't want to come and help her freaking daughter who is birthing her third grandchild because..what? it's her shift at the community library? flower arranging class? WTH? What could she possibly be volunteering with that's more important than family?

I don't get that.

Why is it that that only works one way--when kids want something from parents? Sounds like this mom built a life for herself after her kids left home and is not emotionally dependent upon her children (hoe often do we here bitching about clingy parents on this site!). Just as all of you adult children cannot drop everything to be everything for your parents, your parents cannot drop everything for you.

I do drop everything when my parents need something serious. The daughter isn't having a nervous breakdown because Neiman Marcus doesn't have the right dress in her size. She is having a child, the mother's grandson and she needs help. This is serious. Mom needs to help. If she was sick, that's fine but for the volunteering? VOLUNTEERING??? Who needs help more than daughter?

Don't understand this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

So if the mother had a paying job and chose to work more than she had to instead of taking time off to help, is this a better excuse? People are getting hung up on whether she has a good enough excuse. Barring ill health, she wanted to be there, she would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

So if the mother had a paying job and chose to work more than she had to instead of taking time off to help, is this a better excuse? People are getting hung up on whether she has a good enough excuse. Barring ill health, she wanted to be there, she would be.

yes, it would be a much better excuse, and it could be a great "excuse" depending on what the job is, and what the particular event is... hilary clinton not babysitting chelsea's kids is a whole different game from some retiree with plenty of time on their hands prioritizing travel, classes, volunteering etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is Ill owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

So if the mother had a paying job and chose to work more than she had to instead of taking time off to help, is this a better excuse? People are getting hung up on whether she has a good enough excuse. Barring ill health, she wanted to be there, she would be.

yes, it would be a much better excuse, and it could be a great "excuse" depending on what the job is, and what the particular event is... hilary clinton not babysitting chelsea's kids is a whole different game from some retiree with plenty of time on their hands prioritizing travel, classes, volunteering etc.

Disagree. It's a matter of priorities. A pregnancy gives a parent a lot of advanced notice to take leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is Ill owe her nothing.

Sorry to hear that, pp. That's pretty unusual for an Asian mom, at least in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is I'll owe her nothing.

Did you and OP talk to your moms before choosing to have babies? If you didn't, why would your choice be even remotely their responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is I'll owe her nothing.

Did you and OP talk to your moms before choosing to have babies? If you didn't, why would your choice be even remotely their responsibility?

It's not their responsibility, obviously, but in normal families (something you are clearly unfamiliar with) it's a part of a give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the differences between grandmothers' involvement in their grand kids are culturally based. I'm guessing OP's mother is Caucasian American. Asian and middle eastern grandmothers wouldn't dream of putting a volunteer job over helping their daughter with their newborn. Its just a cultural difference in priorities.

I agree with this generalization overall but my asian mom was very resentful that she helped me out with my first fir a month for free. It all came out later. When I was alone with my newborn and 3 year old after csection and a second surgery, she made sure she was busy working a 2 month temp job during my maternity leave. That was the hardest time in my life when I was barely able to move around without some pain and she wasn't around even for a minute. I never asked bc of what happened with the first. Honestly tho, just let it go because everyone can choose whatever they want in his or her life. The good thing is I'll owe her nothing.

Did you and OP talk to your moms before choosing to have babies? If you didn't, why would your choice be even remotely their responsibility?

If you read, I never said it was her responsibility, and I never had an expectation for her to help. I was just stating what she did, that's all. I learned from experience to not have any expectations, family or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's her THIRD child people. She's not going into some unknown territory, she's not on bed rest with some terribly high risk pregnancy, she's a grown woman who made a grown up decision to have a 3rd child knowing full well her husband might not be around.

It's okay to be disappointed that you didn't get you way, but it's time to buck up and stop expecting Mommy to drop her life altogether to tend to a decision that you and your husband made.

To drop her life? What life? Nobody who has a life has time to do worthless library volunteering.

So what the mom does in her life is worthless? Volunteering is a worthless action and only those that have no life engage in it and they should be able to run to the beck and call of a grown adult daughter who is not in a life or death state because the mom's life is worth less than the wants of a spoiled adult child.

Got it.

it's not that the mom's life is worth less (??), it's that volunteering has little value. if it had value, it would be paid. OP's mom's life, like that of many retirees, is EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY. they travel, socialize and volunteer - ie they are of no use to anyone. helping family is an opportunity for those people to have some meaning in their lives.. this is why so many grandparents DO want to help.

(slow whistle) Nice to see how you view the parent volunteers who help out in your child's classroom.

At the end of the day, it does not matter that the activity is without value to you - it has value to OP's mom.

Way I see, I am thrilled that my parents are busy volunterring and such. Because they have full lives independent of me and my family. There are a lot of threads on here about how the elderly parents are always around, not giving space, etc. I do not have that problem and I am glad because of it.

Add to that, my mother was a ES teacher for 40 years. I would be very relectant to ask her to help me with childcare in a non-emergency situation.

.

I am not denying that it has value for OPs mom, just that it is in fact no value to society. When society values something it pays for it. I find it funny when people here live on ramen noodles, no cable, used clthes etc, their whole lives in order to be able to retire only to then start pursuing pointless pretend-work on order to feel valuable.

I don't believe that grandparents should be baby sitting regularly but this is pretty close to emergency situation. Certainly it's not something that happens every day. I am a working mom as my mom was before me and I absolutely do not think think that all parents' needs should be subservient to children. But people here leave important business meetings in order to attent some worthless kindergarten play (or stop working altogether) and then, 20 years later, can't be there for the birth of a grandchild because they can't skip their reading group meeting. Ridiculous.

Where on earth have you been living?

You've never known people to do something for free because they know the recipient can't pay for it? You've never thought to do something like that yourself? Sounds like you don't belong in a society at all.

I am sorry, you seem kinda ignorant of basic economics. Prices reflect the need for a service, they are the most efficient way to allocate resources. Volunteering is very inefficient. If you want to help, do your job.

Ayn Rand is in the house.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely feel hurt. My mom won't be able to come to help with baby 2 because she's also too busy. Though with my mom it's her work and she can't get out of it-but I still feel hurt and disappointed. Let it go and let her come when she's able - it will still be a help even when your DH is home. Can you hire a babysitter/housekeeper during those early days?