Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially.

This is ridiculous. There are PLENTY of people who have three or four kids in 3BR houses. Two kids to a bedroom is not an impossible situation.

Just love all the other posters who earnestly advise you to tell the girl to murder her child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't blame you for not wanting to take her in, and if you don't feel you can do it, then it is actually better to make that clear now instead of guilting yourself into a responsibility that you can't handle and will blow up later. Your niece needs stability and if you can't offer her that, then so it goes. But so think this through a bit. It seems like you may have some justified, underlying anger toward your brother here. Don't let your anger towards him make the decision for you.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are amazing and your niece is lucky to have you and your husband. This is an incredibly complicated situation and I don't have any advice, but I think it's great that you guys have stepped in and are doing the best you can. I hope you are getting the support you need because obviously this young girl needs love and support, but your life has just been changed as well and I can imagine it is very difficult. I hope answers become more clear with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

I think there are two issues here. One is your niece and the predicament that she is currently experiencing. The second is that you think that life goes on as planned.

1) It is great that you and your DH are able to provide immediate support for this child. She is lucky to have family willing to do so. If she was raised in very conservative Christian household- OF COURSE she will not look to have an abortion right away if at all. It would add to the guilt she already has. She is in crisis and needs help- not just yours but counselors who are experienced in dealing with teenage pregnancies of all shapes and sizes. They can counsel her and allow her to make the decisions she needs to make. They are also aware of the various programs available to a teenager.

2) Life does not go as planned. Let me say it again, life does not go as planned . You are very lucky to have lived so long and not learned that lesson. To keep replying "but we only planned for X number of children spaced exactly x months apart and bought our house for that exact number of children with the perfect number of bedrooms" sounds whiney, entitled, and very naive. It is a slap in the face of most of the rest of the population who did not get the number of children for which they planned, did not get the spacing, did not get the very best perfectly sized house for the exactly perfectly spaced perfectly planned number of children and/or have children who have any number of special needs for which one parent has had to severely curtail/leave their career, or............... Plus, I cannot tell you of anyone I know that plans for a niece to become pregnant at 15 and arrive on her doorstep. So, step back, count your numerous blessings, put on your big girl panties and continue to help this poor girl figure it out. You have a chance to give back some of the excellent luck you have received in your life thus far.

Woah. PP, do you just have a crappy life? Had some terrible luck lately? You sound very bitter. I think OP has been VERY generous. Her niece is NOT her responsibility, yet DH spent time and money to fly to Boston, pick her up and fly back with her. They are letting her stay with them while trying to communicate with the girl's parents. I think OP has done everything RIGHT. No one, NO ONE has any right to demand that OP take the girl in and let her live with them for as long as she needs to. The girl's parents need to take responsibility, and if they don't, I don't really see OP throwing the niece out. I have two small children of my own and if this happened to me, I don't see myself taking in a pregnant runaway who may impact my family and children's' happiness.

I had a few friends in high school who were pretty wild, and there is now way in hell I would let anyone like them live with me now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially.

This is ridiculous. There are PLENTY of people who have three or four kids in 3BR houses. Two kids to a bedroom is not an impossible situation.

Just love all the other posters who earnestly advise you to tell the girl to murder her child.

Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible?

I reject the premise that kids "suffer" when they have to share a bedroom. Plenty of kids do that - including in several houses on our street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

I think there are two issues here. One is your niece and the predicament that she is currently experiencing. The second is that you think that life goes on as planned.

1) It is great that you and your DH are able to provide immediate support for this child. She is lucky to have family willing to do so. If she was raised in very conservative Christian household- OF COURSE she will not look to have an abortion right away if at all. It would add to the guilt she already has. She is in crisis and needs help- not just yours but counselors who are experienced in dealing with teenage pregnancies of all shapes and sizes. They can counsel her and allow her to make the decisions she needs to make. They are also aware of the various programs available to a teenager.

2) Life does not go as planned. Let me say it again, life does not go as planned . You are very lucky to have lived so long and not learned that lesson. To keep replying "but we only planned for X number of children spaced exactly x months apart and bought our house for that exact number of children with the perfect number of bedrooms" sounds whiney, entitled, and very naive. It is a slap in the face of most of the rest of the population who did not get the number of children for which they planned, did not get the spacing, did not get the very best perfectly sized house for the exactly perfectly spaced perfectly planned number of children and/or have children who have any number of special needs for which one parent has had to severely curtail/leave their career, or............... Plus, I cannot tell you of anyone I know that plans for a niece to become pregnant at 15 and arrive on her doorstep. So, step back, count your numerous blessings, put on your big girl panties and continue to help this poor girl figure it out. You have a chance to give back some of the excellent luck you have received in your life thus far.

Woah. PP, do you just have a crappy life? Had some terrible luck lately? You sound very bitter. I think OP has been VERY generous. Her niece is NOT her responsibility, yet DH spent time and money to fly to Boston, pick her up and fly back with her. They are letting her stay with them while trying to communicate with the girl's parents. I think OP has done everything RIGHT. No one, NO ONE has any right to demand that OP take the girl in and let her live with them for as long as she needs to. The girl's parents need to take responsibility, and if they don't, I don't really see OP throwing the niece out. I have two small children of my own and if this happened to me, I don't see myself taking in a pregnant runaway who may impact my family and children's' happiness.

I had a few friends in high school who were pretty wild, and there is now way in hell I would let anyone like them live with me now.

The OP doesn't need a white night, the niece does. Nice compassion for a 15 year old child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about the fact that it sounds like no matter what, she cannot go home? That her parents have basically disowned her? She is homeless, and is her baby-to-be.
Her parents are wretched to throw her out on the street without any resources to help her get on her feet or at least find a safe place to stay. To me, that is child abuse and they should be reported. I don't think what they're doing is on the right side of the law. They can't just abdicate all responsibility of their minor child.

I agree. They still have a legal obligation to this child. And she needs to be in school. They could get in serious trouble when you bring her back if they don't take her.

And if you keep her, you have no ability to get her medical care or make decisions and she is a minor who cannot do it herself.

You need to make some decisions very quickly.

Also, who is going to pay the hospital and dr bills when she has the baby? Prenatal care? I had complications with my first child and the bill was over 20K. Luckily, we had insurance and only had to pay the copay. With the second child, things went perfectly fine but the insurance changed and we had to pay more out of pocket. I think you will be liable for the hospital bill since she is a minor. Or perhaps the parents will be liable and they will turn around and sue YOU for the cost of hospital care.

Also- most women in the US do not die of birth complications. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. What will you do then? I strongly believe children should not be having children. Too risky, not mature, can't afford it. She should terminate the pregnancy. However, it is her choice. She needs to come up with a plan (and that includes what to do about father of the baby.)

[Anonymous]

I would consult a lawyer. You have good intentions, but that won't protect you in a lawsuit...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

This is the best advice I've seen so far. Undermining her brother's authority or enabling her niece's behavior is not going to help the situation. SInce the niece wanted to make adult decisions, she needs to face adult consequences.

+1000 When you act like an adult, you need to accept the consequences.

But adolescents aren't adults. There are good reasons why we as a society treat minors differently than we treat adults and this example should be no different. Research on brain development has pretty clearly established that teenagers are less able to regulate their behavior, more sensitive to external influences, and less able to make decisions that require future orientation. That doesn't mean they should be excused from all consequences for their behavior, but is it appropriate to turn a pregnant 15-year-old out on the street to care for and support herself? Hell no. The parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Kudos to you, OP, for stepping in and trying to help. Hopefully there is a reasonable solution to this issue that ensures appropriate support for your niece without overburdening your family. Maybe your brother and his wife just need a little time to cool off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it's illegal in most states to kick a minor out. Parents are obligated to support their children until they're 18.

Yes! I wonder if the parents realize that this could be grounds for CPS involvement.

[Anonymous]

You know of course that it's illegal for your brother and SIL to abandon her. They don't have a right to throw her out. She has a right to support.

Child abandonment is child abuse. Call a lawyer to get her some support. Consider calling Child Protective Services. Remember child abandonment is covered under the Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act.

[Anonymous]

I find it ludicrous to kick out a child for being pregnant; if they are that religious, you'd think they would have been angrier if she got an abortion.

Does she have other aunts/uncles/grandparents that might be more equipped to take her in?

Another route could be to contact their church home; I'm betting the church will shame them into realizing their folly. Threatening to do this could be enough for them to reconsider, even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it ludicrous to kick out a child for being pregnant; if they are that religious, you'd think they would have been angrier if she got an abortion.

Does she have other aunts/uncles/grandparents that might be more equipped to take her in?

Another route could be to contact their church home; I'm betting the church will shame them into realizing their folly. Threatening to do this could be enough for them to reconsider, even.

She is going away to have the baby. You want the whole world to find out she is pregnant. Call the home church? some wacky right wing church? Are you always this dramatic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially.

This is ridiculous. There are PLENTY of people who have three or four kids in 3BR houses. Two kids to a bedroom is not an impossible situation.

Just love all the other posters who earnestly advise you to tell the girl to murder her child.

Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

LOL ... WHAT? Citation please.